A life story
by JuliaJoyBell
Summary: Mainly Julia Ogden. Warning, William Murdoch comes only at chapter 15. So be patient, this story is about Julia Ogden first. ;) Summary: Sometimes in life events mark you forever, a detail touches you so deeply that it dictate all your decisions in the future, and forever. Translation from" L'histoire d'une vie" wrote in April/July 2013
1. Freedom

**"A life story"**

Title: A life story

Author: Julia R.

Category: Drama

Characters: Mainly Julia Ogden. Warning, William Murdoch comes only at chapter 15. So be patient, this story is about Julia Ogden first. ;)

Summary: Sometimes in life events mark you forever, a detail touches you so deeply that it dictate all your decisions in the future, and forever.

Disclaimer: The Murdoch Mysteries series is not my property. I'm just borrowing the characters .I receives no money for this story.

* * *

1. Freedom

_There is one thing that has always soothed me, something that made me forget who I was, as if it was enough to close my eyes to get away from this place and fly away, far far away. _

The tree is up, this is the highest of the property. Many times I wondered what could be the view from the top, and often a voice calling me to get me to stop dreaming, to resume my lessons and my cross stitch.

But this day is too good to stay locked with Claire, my nurse, or Mother, always immersed in a thick book. Martin, the son of our gardener gave me one of his shirt and pants that I am eager to put to climb this tree that has always fascinated me. I stood there for many minutes, down the trunk, looking up at the majestic branches. I took a deep breath, I had to be brave because I finally have the opportunity to achieve this feat. Now or never.

The bark is hard under my fingers, my palms are burning, my legs trem aggregated, I bit my lip as the climb is difficult. I feel falter, but I continue again and again, a panel after another, finally to arrive on that one that I consider pretty solid and high-pitched.

The summit is still far away, but I have enough fear of not being able to get down. I gently glides over the branch, barely noticing that my pants was hooked. Sharply enough to release it, tearing on my thigh.

Well, I don't care, the game was well worth the effort. The view is great. Our property is on a hill, so I can see the city spread to my feet. The wind blows a little, but July is very hot and I close my eyes, imagining flying with him, discovering the world. Meet wild animals in Africa. It is said that there are men as black as night and they carry big self bone as neck collars. Claire also tells me that across the ocean are people with small eyes if they are mere slits on their face, and that women are afraid of the sun and hides behind huge screens.

My dream is to see the world and see all these things on the back of a bird.

-JULIA ELIZABETH OGDEN.

This voice bode well and I can only imagine the angry face of my mother who is in the bottom of the tree.

-Mother?

-Get off immediately.

I should have known at one time or another someone was going to notice my getaway. I do not know, my father or my mother, who is more conciliatory toward me, but I'm about to know because I see him, approaching too.

I go down painfully to come stand in front of them, yet not daring to look.

-Can I know what you were doing up there miss?

-I watched the city and clouds.

-This required you to put your life in danger? My father whispered in his deep voice.

-I was not in danger.

-Do not look up at the sky, my mother scolded, look at you a little miss, you are like a boy.

I do not have time to answer that she already slides her hands in my hairs to remove leaves and try to discipline strands escaping from my mat.

-And you have torn Martin's pants.

-We will buy him another, I sighed.

-Certainly not, shot my father, you are going to sew yourself.

-I am unable to sew, this is a total boredom.

-Well, you will learn and understand that every action has consequences.

I simply nodded. What could I answer? I know that when he uses that tone, nothing to add.

My mother took my hand and sighed before turning to him.

-And do not think of getting on this tree, you could break your neck.

-But I do not think of that,he said, smiling.

-You are a bad liar, I know exactly who our daughter holds this adventurous character.

-Let's hope that Ruby is wise as you are, dear.

-A the age of two years Ruby does not walk alone exploring the attic of the house, my mother sighed looking at me, then she should not climb the highest tree of property just after her seven years as Julia does .

-Forgive me, Mother.

I see anger disappear from her eyes before finally seeing a smile on her lips.

-Let's go inside and let you put clothes more suited to a young girl.

-Yes Mother.

I follow obediently in silence before finally turning one last time to see my father's watching the tree, hands behind his back.

MY tree, the one who taught me a word that I will remember all my life: Freedom.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	2. Farewell

2. Farewell

_Sometimes in life events mark you forever, a detail touches you so deeply that it dictate all your decisions in the future, and forever._

* * *

The day was beautiful. It had been a week that the sun had not pierced the clouds. In this interminable winter, the sun shines enough to warm the body and soul. Yet this is not enough to bring peace to my family. And that day in March 1878 will forever be remembered as the darkest of our lives.

My mother was sick since weeks now, and although they wanted to save Ruby and I, I had understood that the outcome could only be fatal. Our father avoids us since several days. Sometimes I see him get out of the bedroom of our mother, but often he does not give me a look from my side before returning to his office where he locked up for hours. I confess that I have to arm myself with courage to dare go in that room and see her suffering again.

The ride to the big bedroom always seems to take forever and it is with a trembling hand I open the door. Again the room seems to be empty, except this headlong into the sea of the white sheets still swallowing a little more. The body of my Mother that rises barely low breath as she breathing. A small ray of sunshine through the window and touched her motionless body. I slowly walked towards the bed to come and take her cold hand. Her face is as white as sheets and long blond hair rest gently around her.

-Mother?

I see her struggle to open her eyes and give me a tender look and a shy smile.

-Julia, how many times did I say do not come to me, the disease is contagious.

-I do not care, you are my mother and you need me.

-I despair of seeing you one day obey the orders that people give you.

She laughed softly a few moments before being taken by another coughing fit. It takes me no more to approach her the porcelain bowl and see blood staining the white background. The crisis lasts several seconds before stopping gently. I hand her a clean cloth and wipe using her mouth before taking another and dip it in water and place it on her burning forehead.

-You are a good lady, you know?

-I am only twelve.

-I am confident that you will become an amazing young woman, considerate, sweet and intelligent. You will find a wonderful husband, if you will obey orders, she said, smiling.

I just nod, but it is stronger than me, I can not help but look up to the sky. Obey. Anything but not obey.

-Yes Mother, I said.

-Julia, I ask you to be strong, no matter what. You are pretty independent, to always getting up from shots that the life will give you but don't never become bitter and cold. Still the one you are today, although can be the event.

-I will try.

-And take care of your father and Ruby, they need you. Today you become the woman of the house. So always remember what I told you, head up, looking straight, but the heart always filled with love and compassion. Always love your neighbors and always stay honest with them and yourself and your feelings even though they may be. If you listen to your heart, you will always make the right choices.

-I will, I answered crying softly crying as I understood that these recommendations are nothing more than a farewell.

In a last ditch effort, I see her slowly raise her hands to my face to wipe the tear bead on my cheek.

-What could I do without you?

-Everything will be alright, I do not doubt for one second, you will get there.

I do not answer her and throws me against her to take her in my arms. Words fail me, I do not know what to say more except that I love her and I will miss her. That despite our differences, she remains important to me and that I always will follow her advices. All my life I will try to become such a woman and a mother as she has been for us.

* * *

My mother died in the night. I had heard the racket that had caused her death in the whole house, but I have not left my bedroom. Ruby joined me, frightened by so much commotion, but she soon fell asleep in my arms. The night was long. I cried for hours, holding in my arms my little sister who did not know what was going on, or who pretended to ignore it. I knew that the days, weeks, months would be tough, and I was not far wrong.

The day we inhume my mother was a Friday. A cold and rainy Friday. With the help of Claire, our nanny, Ruby and I put our darkest clothes. We remained silent for hours, bending obediently sitting dressing and styling.

We joined the church in a black carriage, our father sat on the bench in front of us, not looking at us during a moment. Then we entered the large building, we have walked along that endless aisle to get past the coffin in which lay our mother forever. At that moment, I had the feeling of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, that the whole church was just fixing my sister and myself. I felt so much sadness that have taken much so that I would leave her, running at full speed and without looking back. But I felt the hand of Ruby slip shyly in mine. It was inconceivable that I leave without her, she needed me, and I promised to my mother that I always watch over her. So that's what I did. When my father walked away from the coffin and that is was our turn to place a rose on the dark wood, Ruby let out a sob. Not me. I had to be strong for her, for my father, for my mother.

-Goodbye Mother, was the only words I uttered that day.

As if those two words were enough to tell all; thank you, I love you, I will try to make you proud, I will never forget you, I will miss you, I will keep my promise may be sure.

* * *

_That day marked my life. It still scored more than my father, who just wiped a tear from his cheek and at the cemetery he became man cold, distant and bitter, more authoritarian than he had ever been before. He had just lost the love of his life. I can not imagine such woman I will become if this would happen to me._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	3. Wedding

3. Wedding

_Throughout my childhood, I was raised to become a strong, intelligent woman, a perfect wife and a perfect mother. My parents always made sure we lacked nothing, that the Ogden daughters are simply : perfect in every way.__But there was something that they had not thought about our characters, our dreams and desires, which we defined to be what we were._

* * *

Yet another day sitting on the swing in the middle of our garden. The summer is here now and the sun this August is burning. But under this tree, MY tree, I am at peace with a book in hand. I enjoy the shy wind, sometimes stopping my reading simply take the time to immerse myself in my thoughts. However, I do not notice the arrival of my father, I feel his hand on my shoulder, making me jump and drop the book on the floor.

-Still lost in your reading, he whispers softly.

-Yes, I nodded, lowering me to pick it up.

-Poems By Oscar Wilde, he read slowly, looking at the cover, I have never heard of this author.

-It is his first collection of poems, but I have no doubt he will become a great writer in the future.

-Mmmh probably, grumbled my father before putting his hands in his pockets and look at the tree under which we are, you always appreciate what is avant-garde and a bright future.

I do not answer and observed him a moment.

That is three years since my mother passed away and there are few times that my father gives me, alone. Also, I notice a wrinkle his brow bar, a sign that something is bothering him, but I remain silent, because far too wary of what he had to tell me.

-Julia, I came to an important matter.

-I will listen to you, I replied, however faintly.

He turns to me and looks at me long and closely before speaking hesitantly.

-You are my daughter and you know I have always wanted the best for my girls. Despite what you may think, my decisions were always made with care, and it is equally so.

-About what do you talk?

-Of ... Your wedding.

My wedding?

I am speechless during a second, feeling my heart sink in my chest and the air coming to miss. I do not take his eyes, just waiting to resume the floor for me to say more, but my father does not move and he also remains silent for a few moments. So I approached him, anchoring my look in his deep blue eyes not leaving mine.

-My wedding? You thought about my wedding?

-It is time that you find a man who ...

-I am only fifteen! I shouted. I am not old enough to get married.

-Of course you do not marry now, we will wait until you have the required age, but you are promised to him. He asked me your hand and I accepted.

-Who is that?

-Clark.

-Clark Thompson, your friend from Hamilton?

-Indeed.

-Father, I say stronger feeling anger overwhelm me a little more, it is twenty years older than me, how can you tolerate such a thing?

-I am doing this for your own good.

-My good? I do not like this man and ...

-He has a good situation.

-I do not care. I want to marry a man I love, a man with whom I will wish to finish the rest of my life, a man who will share my ideas with which I can see the world and know what is good for me. A man who will take care of me and our children.

-Clark will do, you will live comfortably.

-I do not marry him for anything in the world, do you hear me? Never.

-It is over about your childish, when you were a little girl and your mother was still alive you could afford to think that way, but not today. In a few years you will become a woman and it is time to get married and start a family. You can not escape it.

-I refuse and you can not force me.

-And what will you do? Consent to become an old maid, you, as the half of the young men of the city covet?

-They do not covet myself, Father they do for your money. I will not give them any satisfaction to marry any of them.

-And there is no way that I am giving you my consent to marry a man who is not your position. Can you imagine the wife of a lumberjack? He said, laughing.

-I don't care about his property and if he has money or not, love can ...

-Love has no place in this world, my father cut me in taking a step towards me, and if you do not agree to obey me, Julia, you will find another place to live because I would not tolerate your presence here more than necessary.

-You would throw me out?

-There you have five years if the day of your twenties you have not made a decision, I will do for you and I lay you the man I would have chosen.

-How can you do this to me? I said, feeling tears slide down my cheeks.

-I want to make sure you have the life you deserve.

-Then let me choose.

-You have it ... until your twenties, he added softly.

I did not answer him and crosses his eyes one last time before he leaves me. Then he goes to the house and I drop on the swing again, looking at the book I always keep my fingers.

-Are you alright Jules? Said the voice of my little sister who was behind the trunk of the tree.

-What are you doing here Ruby? I sighed.

-I stayed hidden to prevent him to asks me to go do my math. It is true that you are marrying Clark Thompson?

-No, I will not marry him. He will drag me to the altar for me to do.

-Pity, you could finally have told him that his mustache smells like rotten eggs.

We shared a look before laughing both.

* * *

_Ruby has always cheer me up. Despite appearances and the wishes of our parents, she has never been disciplined, much less than me. Sometimes I smile, thinking that our poor father endures with us, but he must love us enough to be resigned._

* * *

to be continued ...


	4. Dream

4. Dream

_The day your life can totaly change, is often a day like an other. We get up, we go about our normal activities without knowing that an event will turn everything upside down._

* * *

The snow fell since days already. Toronto's streets were covered with a thick sticky layer, impregnated clothing and hats and chilling fingers. Christmas was coming and once again I bent racing gifts. Still, I am not complaining. This time of year is that I enjoy the most. The downtown streets are decorated, the shop windows are welcoming, people have arms full of packages, smiling and cordial. The smells of honey and spices that rise into the air and snowflakes that seem to dance above our heads. While I am pleased at this time of celebration, except the painful thought that I am going to spend the evening at home, surrounded by forty guests.

Anyway, I have two days of tranquility, two days that I want to move away from home to avoid any annoying preparations and binding so that I face.

So I enjoy again a pastry and a fragrant tea in a living room that I particularly like to attend. I enjoy watching these rich women talk about their husbands, all bankers, doctors, lawyers or politicians. And soon, I imagine in twenty years, sitting with them, caring simply finding the right color for my tapestry coordinated with the curtains in my living room. The thought chills my blood. I have only three months, three short months before my birthday, and every day my father tells me that the time has come for me to find a husband; "One that will bring you all the comfort you need," as he likes to say so. I know the list of contenders continues to grow and yet none of them satisfied me. I believe that my father did little anxious if I do not quickly found a way to escape this doom, I fear finding myself sitting with these women a little further soon.

The afternoon almost at an end and there are only a few minutes before the night falls gently on the town. The time has come for me to go and I made against heart.

I still savor the few minutes I have left of my trip, walking on the crowded sidewalks before asking a carriage to take me home.

Yet a little further a man cry, indeed, he calls the whole street. A young man was hit by a carriage started fast. The shock was severe, but not fatal and the cry of pain froze with dread. Just a few feet away, I saw the blood soak the white snow in a second. The look of the man paralyzes me without realizing I head towards him.

-Please, he said softly before screaming again, help me.

-What should I do?

I crouched beside him and looked into every detail, unable to do anything at all.

-Put your hand on his leg and did not let go of the pressure, if not he will bleed to death.

I look up to the man who had come with me. His gentle gaze, paralyzes me again and his voice gives me shivers. Panic, fear, emotion, I didn't know, but I never felt this before.

-Miss, do what I told you, he said trying to calm the young man.

I just nod and do it in silence. I try to not look at the mutilated body of the wounded. But it is much stronger than me, I can not help but observe the man next to me and tries to calm him who is lying on the ground. He seems so calm and confident. His blue eyes are so gentle and caring, her blond hair appear to be sunlight as they are clear and flamboyant. This man is very attractive, I can not deny it, and when he put his hand on mine to help me to keep the pressure on the wound of the wounded young man, a pleasant warmth through my whole body.

We remain there a few minutes before an ambulance arrives and takes charge of the man. I stand up and the carriage looks away absently.

-Does he will survive? I asked timidly to the man who was still beside me.

-Thanks to you, he will, miss, he replied softly smiling.

-I have only done what you asked me.

-And you have very well done, he replied, handing me a tissue, take it to wipe your hands.

I take it shyly and look at my bloody hands before wiping gently.

-I have never seen a woman keep her calm before such an event, he said, looking at me with interest.

-Women are more used to seeing blood than men.

He spent a few seconds in silence before he laughed.

-You are a woman of character Miss ...

-Ogden, I say simply slipping my hand in his that he tending me.

-Nice to meet you Miss Ogden, he said before laying a kiss on my palm.

-And what is your name sir?

-Doctor Edward Lowen.

-I understand better, I say, laughing softly.

We even shared glances before I hold out his handkerchief again.

-There I must go home.

-Of course, but before that, let me give you my card.

-I am not sick, I retorted.

-I am a Doctor but I am also a professor at the University of Toronto and I think you should come to one of my classes.

-For why?

-I think you are perfect to medicine.

-And can you judge it so quickly?

-I see many things in a short time, adding he giving me a wink.

-Well, I replied, feeling the red rise to my cheeks, I will consider your offer, Mr. Lowen.

I grab his card back and I see him take my hand again before speaking again.

-Goodbye Miss Ogden, have happy holidays, he said before placing another kiss.

-You too, goodbye, I replied simply.

Then I walk away without giving him a single look, too whack with this meeting for daring to look again. I called a carriage and goes inside. Through the window, I still see the doctor give me a soft smile before the carriage gets under way. I auscultates this card that is in my hand for several minutes, lost in thought. Maybe he was right. Medicine has always intrigued me and I think it would suit me. So I will find a loophole allowing me not to marry a husband that my father would have chosen, and I can be live my dreams.

* * *

_The day that will change your life, begin like any other. For me it was. An event, a look, a meeting. Everything changed that day, the day I found out what my dream was._

* * *

_To be continued ..._


	5. Meeting

5. Meeting

_Sometimes we make meetings, some are just passing through and are quickly forgotten, others are part of the way with you before leaving, and others are designed to stay connected with you whatever you do._

* * *

The holiday season came to an end. Christmas and New Year anthologies and excess of every kind. Finally the house fell softly in a quiet calm as I love it, as was not the case when we go to family parties and be surrounded by ten guests.

I'm about to go out to face the cold hard winter, the cold wind and wet flakes. That is when I set my hat on my head that my father arrived in the entrance.

-You have made a strong impression to Mr. Lemey at New Year Eve.

I sigh deeply. Another one, he would like me to marry.

-I am delighted, I said, smiling gently, he is a man with whom it is interesting to converse. And a good dancer, I must admit.

-And he comes from a respectable family, continued my father, he is only four years older than you. And he seems to appeal to women.

-Father, I said calmly, Henry is a good man, I readily concede, but I do not want to become his wife. I do not love him.

-What will you become, my father sighed, shaking his head from side to side more to himself than to me, you are too stubborn to finally listen to the advice that we can give you. What do I do for you to make me confident about your future?

-I trust you Father, I just do not agree with you. I made a decision. I am going to study medicine.

-Do you want to become a midwife? He launched in amazement.

-Doctor.

Silence falls softly. I see him looking at me in detail before his mustache gently moves, sign a disapproving grimace is emerging on his lips.

-You have always had the provisions to do this, he simply whispered, I would have guessed, since a long time. Since the day you wanted to treat your sister who had broken a leg following you on a tree, or when your mother was ill.

-Really? I threw smiling, hopeful that he finally understood me perfectly. Do you really think that I can do?

-Able? I do not doubt it. However, this is not because of this, that you will become Doctor.

-Why?

-You are a woman, Julia, and the women in your position do not work. Women do not become Doctor, they leaves it to men. They just stay at home for care for their children and support their husbands. This is the true role of women.

-Well, I will not be a woman like any other that you want me to look like. I will go and at the University of Toronto to meet a Doctor who wants to teach me his knowledge.

-Please do, but when you will understand where your true place is, you forget all that nonsense. I do not give you two days before you see come back to reality. Life is cruel to those who do not follow the "rules", be aware.

I do not have time to answer, as it already turns and leaves the room, leaving me alone without even giving me a look.

I stand there motionless a few moments as Mary, our hostess, did approach me and speak.

-The carriage awaits you, Miss.

-Thank you, I replied, smiling tenderly before closing my coat and run to the door.

I go out to face the cold, I almost ran down the steps that lead me to the car and I quickly rises. The horse starts immediately after I closed my door. My decision is made, and no one can make me change my mind.

* * *

The University of Toronto is not very big, but yet it takes me several minutes to figure it out myself and finally find the room in which the Professor Lowen teaches Lowen. I enter the auditorium through a small door creaks when opened. I owe the honor to be noticed by all people, only men in dark suits. Yet it seems that I do not disturb the Professor who continues his speech after giving me barely a glance. I stand there motionless near the door, not even daring to sit for fear of not being in my place. Men seem to have already forgotten that I am here only a few seconds. It was at that moment that I realized I was in the exact spot where I had to be, everything was clear, as if there was only waiting for me all these years, as if, finally, I found myself at home. Like when we go back at home after a long journey. I always had the feeling of having to find what is my place in this world, and it is here, in this room, trying to understand how the muscles of the forearm works.

A bell rang, making me back foot in reality. Immediately, everybody moves around me and I differ a little from the door to let out all these students. Then, slowly, I head to the office of Professor at the center of the room, a few steps down. But I remain at a safe distance from the office because I see him conversing with a young man.

-Of course Isaac, bring me your report in my office late in the day and I would be happy to have a look.

-Yes Sir, thank you, replied the student before moving next to me and give me a simple look to continue his journey and leave the room.

-Miss Ogden, launches Professor, taking my hand to kiss it, what a nice surprise to see you here. I really thought you would not come.

-I really thought not to do, I confessed with a smile, the University is a maze.

-And the dean is the Minotor, he added, laughing in turn.

I did the same and when the silence fell, he spoke again gently.

-Then, what do you think of medicine?

-From what I have seen, this seems fascinating, I said, casting a glance at the blackboard on which were detailed anatomical diagrams.

-And there, it is just the beginning. This is by no means that there are more interesting. The question is: do you want to take part in this great find of science?

-Absolutely, I threw with an enthusiasm that I could not contain.

-Amazing, so let's get it now. There are many things you need to learn.

I leave the heated building, after long hours, not noticing that the time had spun so fast. Professor Lowen and I talked for minutes before he gave another class just as exciting as the first. Sitting in a corner of the room, I listened religiously. Then, once the students left, he gave me a list of books to get me to go to the University Library. Again I spent long minutes, marveling at all the books around me.

* * *

Once all my books under my arm, I finally leaving this place. The cold wind had hardened and aggressive snow flakes did not allow to see very far ahead. Crumbling under the weight of books , I swayed when a man apparently in a hurry hit me full force. It does not take more than that I found myself sitting in the deep snow, surrounded by all the books lying on the ground next to me.

-Oh, forgive my clumsiness Madam, I had not seen you.

I see a hand reach up to me and the friendly smile of a young man crossed earlier in the day.

-This is nothing, I replied, slipping my hand in his to face to him.

-You are very overload, he said, helping me pick up my books, which Professor may ask you to carry so many books in one trip, it is inhumane.

-Oh no, I have borrowed then to me. I am about to start my studies.

- Medicine, I suppose.

I watch with amazement and he refers me the cover of the book he had in my hands.

-Yes, indeed, I want to be a Doctor.

-Here that is why you were with Professor Lowen earlier.

-I will attend to be his student in the future, as soon as I caught my tardiness and read it all.

-I wish you great courage.

-Thank you, I replied shyly.

-We will therefore have to meet again, Miss ...

-Ogden, Julia Ogden.

-Isaac Tasch, nice to meet you.

-Me too, although it was somewhat brutal ... I said, laughing before he would do the same.

Then, after a last smile, he greeted me and I did everything the same. I quickly found a carriage and asked him to take me home. I could not break the smile of satisfaction on my lips. The day was beautiful despite the bad weather. I was happy.

* * *

_Some fates are linked, whether we want to , and if we are ready or not._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	6. Youth

6. Youth

_Life requires taking risks sometimes. But we must go through these moments of doubt, make rash decisions just to remember that life is short and you need to enjoy every moment. And do not miss our chance, ever._

* * *

This June was stifling, the sun shone constantly during three weeks and there was no indication that the clouds were going to replace it.

I took refuge inside cool buildings, but dark and deserted. I, who as a child could not bear to stay locked inside while the sky called constantly, now I preferred to stay there for hours; Diving in my books, trying to learn again and again more things. Ever.

I found myself sitting at a long table in the library that I rarely leaving. I was reading a book on medicinal plants in Asia when a low breath danced in my neck.

-Isaac, I grumbled without looking up from my reading.

He continued, until I turned to glare at him.

-Can you stop, please?

-Want you finally leave this place and your books to enjoy the weather? He said coming to sit on the edge of the table.

-I can not, I still ...

-The exams are over, cut my friend, and you have quite humbled everyone by being the best of the entire promo. So I think it is time you got a little fun.

-Next year will be even harder, I said, looking up to ceilling.

-The shool year begins in two months. So it is all your honor to get ahead, but still get out of this place if you do not want to become an old maid, decrepit and alone with piles of dusty books around you.

-Oh, do I look decrepit? I said, smiling.

-You are beautiful Julia, but too pale. The sun will be good to you and you give you color because then you look like a corpse my dear.

-Thank you for the compliment, I grumbled a bit miffed.

-Don't tell me that I am wrong, you know I am right.

-Well, so what are you offer me? I threw a sigh.

-We are all going to the lake for a picnic and a swim perhaps too. Oh, I should mention that there will be French wine?

-A swim? I said, frowning.

-And wine, insisted my friend, we will be in a quiet place Julia, calm down. And Elizabeth and Amy come with us. You will not be the only woman, and it is not like we have never seen naked women.

-Alive, I think it is not yet the case, I said, laughing, Elizabeth and Amy are not in class with us, I am the only one, how can I keep a little respect if ...

I do not have time to finish my sentence when I see him look at me and to shake the chair in which I sit to make me get up.

-Isaaaaac, I cried laughing.

-It is a library here, growled the old man who was in charge of keeping silence there and had already sent assassins eyes throughout our conversation, I ask you to leave immediately.

-You no longer have a choice now, he said, smiling proudly.

I shared glances with Isaac before taking my books under my arm and together at the same walk we left the building, could not help but laugh out loud once through the door.

* * *

We were there since hours already. Dinner was almost completely engulfed but the wine still plenty filled the glasses.

I must admit that I didn't regret having left the library because this little parenthesis makes me the best time. I enjoy the fresh air from the lake, a glass of wine in hand while my friends already heckle a little further.

-I admire your courage, Elisabeth gives me sitting next to me.

-About what are you talking? I replied with a smile, feeling my cheeks burn me some have already drunk.

-How do you support them every day? My friend continued, pointing to the young men a little further.

-Well they accept me as I am, this is not the case for everyone.

-These old rats from the University still does not tolerate a woman to be as intelligent as a man? Says Amy.

-It seems not, I sighed.

-Prove it to them that we are, Julia, all our hopes are in you, many of us support you, she said before drinking another sip.

-S=You have to know Amy, whispered Elizabeth, that Julia is not as intelligent as a man, she is more. David told me that you were arriving Major of the promo.

-Yes, I confess softly.

-My best Congratulations my dear, you gave them a good thrashing, I am proud of you.

We raise our glasses again by hitting laughing before drinking another sip.

-Let's stop talking about me, I threw my turn, tell me Amy, are there any new with Robert? I think you are really ... very close lately.

-He has not asked me to marry if that is your question, Amy said with a sigh, but what is holding him back, dammit?

-Perhaps he expected graduation first, Elizabeth replied with a shrug.

-Dear God, do not talk about troubles, I would not wait until then.

-Oh, I am sure it will happen much sooner.

-Do you know something? Gives me my friend, approaching closer to me. If this is the case, tell me I am begging.

-I know nothing, I say with a laugh, I am sorry. But he speaks only of you, and for this reason I am sure he will soon make his proposal. He probably wait for the right time.

We even shared a glance before we focus on the young men who are at the edge of the water, trying to put one dressed all inside. Laughter broke out when Isaac fall in the water. Then comes the turn of Robert, David and James, who eventually goes to us and soaked us beg to join them.

-We will die if we just drowned, Amy answered, the weight of our clothes will lead us to the bottom.

-Well, simply remove, retorted James.

And it does not take more that they undressed and all four running in the water again. My two friends exchanged a look and did the same.

-Are you not serious anyway? I said them stunned.

-Don't be shy Julia. You still see a lot of naked bodies.

-But ... I ... but it is against the law.

-Who cares?

I stay still for a few moments before they heading to the water, completely naked and join other men having fun a little further.

-You are crazy, and you drank too much.

-So, we don't even remember in a few hours, call Robert.

-Go Julia, says Isaac, come on.

-It is very good, insists Elizabeth, you will not have another opportunity like this in the future.

I hesitate a few seconds, knowing that they are all right and that eventually, I too am dying to go swimming.

-Alright.

I began to undress myself, fearing other people's eyes on me. But I realized that ultimately they did not give me any importance, too busy trying to run David. I then joined them, discovering with delight being able to swim without the clothes.

-Then, do you regret to come? Isaac gives me arriving at my side.

-Not yet, it is very nice ... I said, blushing.

We still exchange a look before we headed out to others and to take part in games, during long minutes.

* * *

It was the whistles of police officers who gave us back foot in reality while the night was already falling. Seeing three men on the shore in front of us, Amy, Elizabeth and I were trying to hide the little honor that while we all remained still and we were nervous.

-Young people, said the first officer, what are you doing here?

-We ... we ...

-We freshing up, answered one of my friends.

-Oh, that is the word you use.

-It is the way it is called, continues Robert.

-Although, then as you are "refreshed" I will ask you to follow us to the police station.

-What had we done wrong? David replies.

-Well you are completely naked, with women, and apparently intoxicated. That makes two charges against you. Now I ask you to go out, get dressed and follow us without question if you do not want to worsen your case.

We all cooperated before Isaac takes the floor in turn, holding one arm in front of me so I did not another step.

-Officiers, he said quietly, save the honor of the ladies, let's get dressed to the shelter of the trees. And have the decency to don't watch.

The police officer looks at us all in turn and agrees. So our friends left the water and went pants, took their business and turned away, such as police. We left the lake and we also get dresed quickly. Once done, it was bluntly that the police took us to the police station, ensuring lock us into two separate cells, as the worst criminal.

They spent long hours we stayed in these cells. Shameful. Then, suddenly, Robert got up in a jump and headed bars where Amy was leaning against.

-Amy, I have to tell you something important.

-I am listening to you, she grumbled, but speaks very least please, my head is spinning.

-Amy, it is been months since I have had to say and then, seeing you naked today, I understand that in fact ... I want to see you naked every day.

I see my friend recover and glare at him, ready to flank him a slap for daring to say things like that.

-Amy, will you marry me?

At that time, there was calm all around us. We looked at all the couple a little further, anxious to know if the young woman was about to strike or respond favorably to its unwelcomed request.

-I do, she sighed, taking his hands through the bars, of course I want to, idiot.

They tried to share e a kiss while we all smile.

For my part, however, the smile did not last.

The door opened on a tall man, thin, graying hair and icy stare; my father.

* * *

Everything was resolved quickly and it was only when the carriage passed the gate of our property that he finally spoke.

-You have brought disgrace on the family Julia, he said quietly, you refuse to get married, you get an education, you frequent a gang of thugs ...

-And these men are from the most affluent families in the region, I was cutting.

-Don't answer, he continued without considering my remark, and you will get arrested by the police.

-We have done nothing wrong.

- Indecency and drunkenness, it will always be recorded in your criminal record. And I think that is enough is enough.

The carriage stops on the gravel of our driveway and my father opened the door.

-You are going to leave this house as soon as possible.

-But where will I go?

-Ask your friends, but I do not want an off-the-law under my roof. I give you a month and you leave this house.

I do not have time to answer that he already leave me alone, indicating that once again the interview is over and once again I have nothing to say in my defense. I have to accept this unfair, simply.

* * *

_Regret, we all have and we always will. Sentence such as "if I did not say that, if only I had not been here, if I had not done that" often haunt us. But we forget to ask ourselves what have said, done, seen or heard something brought us. And sometimes, regrets are no longer, when we understand that a "wrong" could happen "right"._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	7. Heart

7. Hearts.

_There comes a day when we say that everything is "perfect." Every word, every gesture, every look is perfect. That this moment will remain etched in our memory forever, that nothing and no one can get such a great moment of fulfillment. Until, slowly we lose memory, and that this moment is replaced by another, who will be in our heart forever._

* * *

The summer was spent speed and without realized it, we were already in September.

The university deserted during the last two months was alived again, finally, and for the first time, I experienced the joys and hazards of a new school year with all the students of medicine, friends and others.

The first day was challenging, I must admit, and if my friends were not with me, I do not believe that was so "easily". Having already spent five months studying nights and days, unfortunately was not enough to make me accept and the battle would be even longer. Today our adventures this summer at the lake, is known by all our class, and now I can not go home and try to forget a little tough competition that exists all around me .

I returned to my little room located on the last floor, under the roof. My heavy steps, due to the latest books I holded since the library, thoughts lost in all revisions that I have to do tonight, I did not notice until the last moment the young woman who was in front of me in the dark hallway outside my door.

-Ruby? I said in amazement. What are you doing here?

-I came to see how you my dear, it's been almost two months since you are no longer passed to the house and you barely answer to my letters.

-I am sorry, I had much to do since I left, I sighed.

-Will have the honor to visit your brand new neighborhoods? She gives me mischievously.

-Of Course.

I pulls out of my pocket the key to my room and inserts it into the lock before opening and let my little sister enter. Then I immediately follow her.

-Oh what a horror!

I sighed, looking up at the ceiling. This is Ruby, I will have expected such a reaction. Yet I do not answer and walked to the tiny desk located in a corner of the room, desk already invaded by too many books he could not stand much longer.

-So, you live here, said my sister turned to me.

-There seem so.

-Julia, there is no door to your closet, you do not have a bathroom, the window is barely big enough so you can see the roof that is below, your desk is about to s' crumble and your bed is tiny.

-I was planning to sleep alone anyway, I added, smiling.

But I see the bewildered look of Ruby and I take the floor immediately.

-This is only temporary, until I finish my studies, I plan to put curtains at the window what do you say?

-It would improve this minimal decorative effect.

-I was thinking more that it would allow me to keep the cold out this winter, but you are right, it could also improve the place, make it more ...

-Fit to live, grumbled my little sister.

-Oh I beg you, it is not that bad, do not exaggerate.

-I do not exaggerate, retorts Ruby scraping the wall which pulls some tapestry.

-When I have time, I will improve it.

It spent a few seconds in total silence, where I see Ruby give a look around my room before she spoke again.

-Come back at home, Jules.

-Father put me at the door, should I remind you?

-He is sorry, he wants you back.

-It is him who asked you to come see me?

-No, I missed you but ... it is true that he wonders how you live here. And from what I just saw you ...

-I do not come back at home Ruby, I said dryly, you can say that to Father. I decided to do these studies, I like to learn what I do and I intend to become a Doctor. If this means I have to live in this room devoid of any comfort for a few years, I will. But I do not get home to wisely obey his orders and marry a wealthy man he has chosen for his stock portfolio rather than for the love he would bring me.

-You are wrong, Father wants the best for you. That's it.

-Ruby, I sighed, shaking my head from left to right, Father is a good man. But all his life he wanted to control everything and this will be the case forever. He can not stand to hold me in his hands. He refuses my independence and the choices I have made. And if you are not careful, he will control you too.

-He knows what is good for his daughters.

I sigh loudly, looking at her with interest.

-Do not let sim stop you from living your dreams Ruby, that is all that I can say.

-Then, you will stay right here in this room and continue to study medicine?

-Yes, I do not go with you. However, we can go to dinner if you want.

-As you have enough money for that?

-I have a friend who is happy to serve and whose wife cooks very well. It is in a small inn just steps from here.

-A hostel?

-Oh, do not be choosy and come with me, I said, taking her by the arm to drag out of the room without listening to an another jeremiad.

* * *

I was in the small dark room since many minutes already. Unable to sleep, I decided to put that time to good use to get to the classroom. Our last course involved the heart and its complex operations. For this, Professor Lowen brought pig hearts, similar to those of men, he asked us to dissect and study. Yet I had to admit that I had a hard time getting out of it and a few hours of research over was too much to ask.

It had been a long time I produced a copy of the fridge still intact and I was trying to solve the mystery, book in support. But it was very clear that it was no use. I sighed deeply, throwing my head back in disappointment.

-You are too nervous to do so, said a deep voice that I knew well.

-Professor?

-I see that once again you do not count the hours Miss Ogden, he said in the same way he approached the desk where I was, would you take my place?

-Oh, no, excuse me, I said, blushing, I ... I just wanted to get there ... finally.

-For that, you should work less.

-I can not.

-You are the best Julia, he whispers approaching a little more from me, but if you still want to prove it constantly, you will go to your loss. Medical studies are long and difficult.

-And I am a woman, I grumbled.

-This not make any difference, and it should not be yours also.

-I know what all my friends, teachers, and administration think. I do not belong here.

-And if you continue to work so hard and try to prove them wrong every day, you will give them credit.

-Then what do I do?

-Relax, he replied simply.

I look at him in silence before he comes a little more to me and bypasses me to come in my back.

-I will show you,he adds with a sigh in my ear.

Then his right hand gently laid on mine, causing me a pleasant shiver down in my whole body. I felt his heat against my back and slowly, he pushed me closer to the desk.

-You see, you have to make an incision here, specifically, he said, guiding my hand, it is all about precision.

I do not answer and closes my eyes a few seconds, I have to take me back into reality, trying to calm my breath and tremors in me at this time.

-Calm yourself, he says once again, we must be precise and quiet. Voila, here we are.

We perform the dissection in the almost absolute silence, only his words he whispers in my ear escape from his lips. Everything finally seems simple to me, I would feel no need to think about anything at all, everything is clear. Without realizing it, I notice his body even closer to mine and slowly, having exchanged a laugh, his hand was on the table landed on my hips, leaving a nice little burn. My heart skips a beat and I close my eyes to try to collect my thoughts.

-You see, it was not that difficult, he said against my skin, it was enough that I show you the way.

I do not answer and nods slowly before turning a bit my face to his. He is so close that I can feel his hot breath on my cheek. I meet his eyes, this sweet and thoughtful look he gives me quite often, look at this moment in which dances a little golden sparkle.

-Professor, I whispered unable to say a word.

-Julia, I ...

He did not finish his sentence, grabbed my lips for a soft and nice kiss. As soon as the scalpel was wrecked on the floor and he put his hands around my waist to make me rotate gently in his arms while continuing to kiss me in the most exquisite way.

I lose foot in reality, feeling my heart explode in my chest, my legs trembling, my stomach knotted. My hands quickly went the way of his hair, because I could not help but slip my fingers as he left again to attack my lips. Then, when the breath we ran out, we separated and shared a look, a smile, another kiss. His lips found their way of my neck and hands it off my back. I closed my eyes to the sweet torture, too captivated by this magical moment that I lived.

* * *

_The heart: common name - male (hearts) _

_ANATOMY hollow muscular organ (in humans and animals) whose contractions propel the blood through the circulatory system._

* * *

_To be continued ..._


	8. Dangerous Love

8. Dangerous Love

_By definition the accident; was not expected, messes everything in its path like a tidal wave, make doubts about every decision you could make in your life. The accident did not anticipate, the accident shows the best in people and the worst. An accident can happen so quickly, and often, never forgotten. A second is enough to change a life, an accident is the result._

* * *

The university has long since my new home and my friends, my new family. I have to fight every day even against all those looks of contempt, whispers on my way, these doors that sometimes close to me. But today I feel strong to face them. Today I am loved and supported. Today, nothing can kill me and no matter how long it takes, now I know that I would reach my goal. Today I am happy and confident, finally.

The rain falls hard on the roof and I savored the soft music, lying down, eyes closed. Slowly, I feel a breath on my skin. I smile, knowing perfectly its origin, but I do not want to open my eyes to experience a delicious pleasure again.

-Julia, wake up, Edward whispered in my ear, it will be time.

-I do not have class today, I whispered to me snuggling deeper into his arms.

-But I have, he said, laughing softly.

I feel another of his kiss lost in my neck and I finally agree to look at him, sending him a shy smile.

-Stay with me, I said, sliding a hand through his hair.

-I am dying to, I swear, but I can not miss a class.

- Did you not do last week?

-Exactly, they will ask questions.

-I will not tell them anything, I replied, pressing a little more on him to overhang with a few inches, stay with me Professor and ... give me private lessons, I added before kiss him during a long time.

-You have nothing more to learn Miss Ogden, he replied, slipping his hand in my hair to kiss me in turn with passion.

We shared glances before I show him again how I can be persuasive to make him miss his class and make him stay with me in this room the whole day.

-Julia, I beg you, he muttered to yet against heart while I laid hot kisses on his chest and stomach, I have ...

He did not finish his sentence, too disturbed by my actions and I can not help but laugh out loud when I saw how the men were able to forget all reason when we spoke with body language. I then layer on him, making sure to stick our naked bodies against each other, then I leave a soft kiss on his lips.

-It is wiser, he simply whispered, smiling.

-I know how to be wise, I said with a smile in return.

-And at this point I wanted to tell you something important.

-Yes, I think to remember that this was the purpose of your visit last night. But you quickly forget why you were there.

-Julia, he continued, seriously, you can not continue to live here.

-We fix the problem of bed, I said, glancing at one who was a little further while we slept and made love on a pile of pillows and blankets on the floor everytime he visited me.

-I do not mean just this side of "practice", I am talking about your health.

-Edward, I sighed wanting to get away.

-No, he added, holding me against him, I can not bear to see you sick as you have been this past winter. I really thought you were going to die and I shall never accept.

-Well, in my case, I do not intend to change my mind, I am not going to live with my father and he is out of the question that we live together, is it not ?

-You know we can not.

-The debate is close, then.

-You might have another room on the campus, much more comfortable.

-Why do they authorize me?

He sighed and stared into mine before letting his fingers under my chin and speak again.

-Julia, Medical University of Toronto does not accept women and yet you are a student, you have to fight every day to be here, you had a home easily, thanks to whom do you think all this is possible?

I do not answer and he smiled tenderly.

-Your father watches over you without you noticed it and after learning what happened this winter , dean informed me that they gave you a home. They do not want to risk the girl Ogden died because of them.

-And if I refuse?

-Bloody Hell, stop to be so stubborn! If there is one favor I ask you to give me a lifetime this is it. Be agree, I beg you.

I did not answer and pouted. I never liked the things going on in my back, without anyone inform me before. So that was it? I had been manipulated all along? And it was enough for me to accept again? My father held my life in his hand?

-Do it to my back, Edward whispers softly, we finally have a bed big enough for two. I can come keep you warm this winter.

-I like this idea, I confessed, blushing.

-You only have to say "yes."

-And what will you do in return if I do?

He did not answer and swung our bodies to come slowly over me. We shared another look and he brushed her lips with mine.

-I will give you private lessons my love, he whispered before walking away and put burning kisses on every inch of my skin.

-I thought I had nothing more to learn, I said eyes closed yet enjoying the sweet torture.

-There still two or three little things.

It was these last words, because after this, he explored far too sensitive and intimate place so I can not still keep my mind. That day, Edward did not give his class to other students, there was just me, him, us.

* * *

The day was gloomy again and I looked blankly at the water drops hitting the tiles that were next to me. Isaac and I found ourselves in a remote corner of the library to prepare a presentation when his voice brought me out of my thoughts.

-Julia, you should go see a Doctor.

-I am surrounded by Doctors and I can not bear to see one more, I grumbled a bad mood, why are you telling me this?

-I do not recognize you anymore, what is going on? You are uncomfortable with everyone, you constantly dizzy, you are exausted. Let someone help you or you will not hold until the end of the year. You have got two months.

-I know, I sighed, but it is a problem I have to solve alone.

-A problem? So you know what you are in pain?

-Oh yes Isaac, I muttered, feeling my eyes moisten gently.

-Julia, it is that serious?

-I ... if I tell you Isaac promise me not to tell anyone.

-Yes, but please tell me what you have.

-I ... am pregnant.

He did not answer a few seconds gaze anchored in the mine before that I saw him swallow hard.

-Who is the father?

-This is not important, I sighed stunned by his question.

-Perhaps it is for me, he continued with growing anger in his voice, I have to necessarily know him.

-I don't care about the father of this child right now, all I want to know is what to do?

-Well, I think, in fact, you have only to talk to his father. Marry him, give birth to your baby and do not talk about it anymore.

-I do not want to become a mother and wife, I want to become a Doctor.

-I think you should have thought of that before that you leave the first man you meet touch you.

Distress and sadness leave immediately to anger when I heard the words of the man I thought was my best friend. I then jumps up and can not help but to slap him violently, leaving the crestfallen. However, I am unable to utter a word, contenting myself to throw a dirty look before leaving the room at a run without wanting me back. My heart seemed to explode into thousands of pieces. What was I going to do now? Check out Edward and tell him? Risk to destroy his reputation? The scandal was about to break, it was recess and it would ruined his reputation, my own, my family, of the University. I was at an impasse and I had no one who could help me. This secret was my secret and it was mine duty to "fix" this problem.

* * *

_An accident happens quickly. An accident always has consequences no one can foresee, we wish to minimize, try not to hurt the ones we love. Accidents, it happens every day, small, large, mild and severe. Sometimes the author can do to resolve the situation at best, sometimes alone, he is impotent. The consequences of an accident can be devastating, today or tomorrow._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	9. A choice

9. Choice

_"The wrong choice is no choice. "I think I read this somewhere one day I can not remember, either the author or the context, but this sentence struck me. We all make choices, all the time, wondering if it is good, if we do it right and if it is the best thing to do for the good of all._

* * *

Since my fight with Isaac, we see very little. I just meet him in the classroom, but I do not speak to him. I know I hurt him, but I plug against, what he did was very much painful to me.

So the days pass and my "problem" persists. If I found a friend who to talk to, someone who would tell me what to do, things would be easier. But there is no one and all I have to do is to keep Edward away from my life.

But this decision is too hard for me, I see him every day, I have to attend class without telling him the real reasons for my refusal to see him privately. I said because a lot of work, but I spend most of my time sitting on my bed crying all the tears in my body to a position in which I fear will never get out.

Well then, one day, Isaac placed a small metal box on my desk.

-Take this if you do not want to keep this child. I heard that it worked.

-Isaac ...

-No, I cut my friend plunging his eyes on mine, I do not want to know what happened, who the father is and especially what you intend to do. But if you want so much to become a Doctor, you can not become a mother. You have to make a choice Julia, know, however, that although it may be, you can count on me.

He did not leave me time to answer that he goes away already, leaving me lost in my thoughts and doubts.

It was several days I watched this little box lying on my bedside table without opening it. I was about to become a Doctor, it meant saving lives, and my first act would be to break one, without giving him a chance to exist. Was I actually made for trade, if I was planning to kill my own child? Was I not comparable to the worst criminal? Do I should not be hanged for it?

I thought of all those hours spent immersed in books, the mockery, beatings fight, the eyes of disdain that they gave me, this last winter where the disease almost took me in death. I did not fight as hard for so long for nothing, to give birth and raise a child alone, without a husband, messy reputation of my family. Because it was out of the question that one day I reveal the identity of his father and that I ask him to marry me. There was no question I overwhelmed him with shame, I loved him too much for that. There were only two solutions; give birth to this baby and give him to adoption, asking me every day of my life if he was safe and loved, or stop now and never reveal this secret to anyone. All I had to do was to take the pills which were a few feet away, to forget, and continue my life as I had hoped.

I close my eyes for a moment. My decision is made and for the good of all. I quits my dark office to get me the box that Isaac gave me a few days earlier. I sigh for a moment, seeing the little black pills, then, I take four I swallow quickly with a little water before putting me to work, as if it had been a trifle.

* * *

The night was difficult, extremely difficult. Pain gripped me for hours and hours. Bent double in my bed, I can not hold my moans, begging for anyone hear them in other rooms. My forehead is hot but I am too paralyzed to go to the bathroom and have a little cold water on my face. So I stand there, trembling, weeping bitterly, praying that everything finally stops.

I fell asleep at dawn, finally calmed spasms in my uterus. The day was almost over when I finally wake up. A few seconds make me aware of what happened. I then rises gently, noticing with horror my nightgown and sheets covered in blood, my blood. So here is what is left now, nothing, just a huge task. I had to tidy up, clean everything as quickly as possible what I was using to do in the second.

The next night was much less physically demanding, but it did not save me from violent nightmares. I went back in the next morning, tired but healthier.

-Julia, whispers Isaac crossing me in a corridor, do you ...

-I thought you was not going to ask me questions, I answered glancing around us for fear of being heard.

-I just worried about you.

-I am fine, it is all over and I want to forget all of this if you will.

-Very well, my friend agrees.

I give him a shy smile before get away from him without a word and trying to forget the pain that is still gripping me.

* * *

Yet the days passed and nothing changed. Every indication that this child was a tough leather that clung any cost, which was terribly painful. The thought of trying to make him disappear by any means as he seemed to want to continue to live made me terribly sick. But I made a choice. Another night as painful as the first was almost due to my will. The next day I cleaned the sheets again into blood, then I dressed and get me out of town, where no one ever disclose what I was about to do.

Dr. Harrison was an old arrogant and self-confident man, but I knew he could help me.

-Doctor, I am ... I was beginning.

-I will stop you immediately, he said in a harsh tone, you are here for a reason that you think good Miss, in my case I do not want to know. I do not want to know your name, where you are from and how you came so far. All I wanted to know is if you have the money for the operation.

I nodded shyly and come out a wad of cash in my pocket I handed him immediately. He counted quickly and simply nodded.

-Go to the next room, get undressed and lie down.

-Yes.

I headed there with a slow and was performing all his instructions in silence. Then, once lying on the bed auscultation, I tenderly stroked my belly already bounced back, watching the fingers sliding on the white cloth. Doctor came in, but I did not pay him any attention. He gave me a shot in the arm and sat next to me to come away unceremoniously my legs.

-We are going to start, he grumbled as his head already disappeared between my thighs.

-Forgive me, I whispered in a blast felt tears running down my cheeks without ceasing to caress my stomach a few moments.

The drug had taken effect. But the pain was unbearable. Doctor did not seem to care about my cries, my fingers twitched on the fabric on which I was lying. He did not care to ever see blood running down my skin, running over my legs and soak the white sheet. He did not speak to me, spending whole minutes without that I meet her eyes. Then, after a last spasm that left me almost unconscious, he sat up, holding in his hands a tiny puny body covered in blood. He laid carelessly on the table a little further and put a towel over.

-It is done, I will sew you can leave.

-Tell Me ... I sighed at the end of breath, tell me if it is a boy or a girl.

-This is not important.

-I beg you, I begged.

-Trust me, you would not know. It died, knowing the sex to imagine giving it a name is useless.

I did not answer and threw another look at the form that was a little further. Nothing mattered, I do not even feel the needle digging into my skin. The pain of my body was not comparable with that of my heart. Still, I knew I had made the right choice, I just did not know why I was so sad.

* * *

Dr. Harrison still left me two hours to recover from the operation and then he sent me home, no more, no less. I was struggling to stand up, and even more sitting in the carriage that brought me back to Toronto. Once near the University, I decided to walk, decision hearkened me a lot because I lacked finish fainted at roadside lots of times. It was dark, the streets were deserted. I saw my building on the horizon, but I could not take a step further, holding the bottom of my stomach with one hand. I noticed a viscous heat and my head turned to me again. A quick glance at my hand assured me my fear; the stitches were broke and I emptied my blood. I knew that I shall never get to my house and even though it could have been the case in a few minutes I will be dead. After all, maybe it was that I deserved what I had committed?

I refused to give up yet, not now. The building that housed my best friend was much closer, if I had the strength to join, may be I would have a chance.

So I made the road as quickly as possible to come and stand in front of his door. I gave several hits, exhausted, before he opens it and looks at me with incomprehension.

-Julia, what are you doing here? You do not have the right to enter the building and men ...

-Isaac, I whispered just feeling my body flinch.

He looked at me with horror from head to toe, I must have looked like a ghost, covered in blood.

-Help me, I begged in a whisper letting the tears slide down my cheeks, please, before I colapsed in his arms.

* * *

_Each choice its consequences, sometimes good, sometimes bad, depending on the person. The important thing is not to say that we did the right thing, the important thing is to live with this idea, every day._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	10. Oblivion

10. Oblivion

_We wish to remember forever a perfume, a look, a touch, or a voice. We sometimes focus to try to find in our memory that delicious sensation experienced at that moment, wishing our whole life to feel it again. But as hard as we wish to never forget, the memories are indomitable and oblivion is our worst enemy or our best friend._

* * *

I wake up slowly. Yet I still have the feeling of floating in a cloud of sweetness, I feel at peace, for a few seconds until all the images of the last days will come to mind.

I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids are too heavy for me to reach. So I give up, after all, what good would it do me to do? I do not even feel my body anymore, paralyzed, as if my brain was totally disconnected from the rest. Slowly, I am back to sleep in my most secret dreams where I do not suffer.

* * *

It was loud voices that made me back in reality. Both men seemed to be arguing in the next room. Then I heard silence and a door open. Footsteps approached, a hand grabbed mine and a warm breath slid on my skin.

-Julia.

I opened my eyes with difficulty recognizing the voice I loved so much. I saw his eyes, his smile and I felt his fingers touch my hair a few moments.

-Edward, I whispered, half-conscious.

He did not answer and kissed my hand before turning and speak a little louder.

-Let us alone Isaac, he called my friend who was standing further.

-Professor she ...

-I will not repeat it again.

My friend still did not move and I threw him a shy smile.

-Isaac, please, I said as loud as I could, leave us alone. It will be alright.

He simply nodded and left the room. It was at that moment that I realized I was in my own room, wondering how and since when is was the case.

I felt Edward's fingers tenderly stroking my cheek and I plunged my eyes into his.

-Why have you do this? He whispered tenderly.

-I am sorry, I did not want to get pregnant, I ...

He cut me off by putting his finger on my lips for a moment.

-Why did you risk your life that way? You should have come to tell me.

-I thought about your reputation, imagine the impact it would have?

-I have been worried this past few days, he said quietly, I thought I had go crazy without knowing why you could not join me.

I did not answer and frowned. He always spoke up softly, sitting down on the bed next to me.

-Julia, Isaac told me that you were unconscious for three whole days and it is been five days now I have not had any news from you. I thought it happened to you something serious. And besides this is the case, he added in a whisper.

-How did you learn?

-Isaac asked me too many questions that had nothing to do with our classes, I realized that it must be related to you because it was far too common. I am terribly sorry to not have been there by your side. All this would never have happened if I was.

-You are here today, I sighed, smiling and sliding my hand on his cheek.

I saw him shake his head from side to side before he stroked my hair and he is approaching only a few millimeters from my face.

-I am leaving my heart. I hurt you too much.

-No, it is not your fault, I protested, I ... it was an accident and ...

-And you almost died because you wanted to protect myself and our secret.

-I am not dead.

-Julia, insisted Edward, you have to become a Doctor and I have to leave your life for it.

-I can with you by my side.

-No, and we both know it.

I do not answer and looks forward, not caring to let the tears flow down my cheeks. After all, that is what I chose: my career but not my child neither him.

-Where will you go?

-It does not matter, you must to not come to find me. But know that I will never forget you. I loved you too much to forget you.

He still looks to me to give me the sweetest yet the most painful kiss; a farewell kiss. He moves away a little of me, I use all the forces that are in my me to keep him close, not even bothering to open my eyes.

-I could not bear to let you go.

-You are a strong woman, you will come out to you. I expect no less from you. I knew the day we met that you were a wonderful woman. So you will become Doctor, you will finish your studies and become the most talented of all. You will do whatever you want with your life, you will realize all your dreams and you will never let any man hurt you. You will find a man who you will fall madly in love and that he will take care of you as you deserve. Promise me.

-I promise you.

We smile again before he plunges his face into my neck and kissed my skin.

-I love you my love, he whispered into my ear before walking away from me.

-Edward, I beg you, I begged crying, do not leave me.

-Goodbye Dr. Ogden, he simply said, wiping away a tear with his fingertips before getting up and letting go of my hand.

I am too weak to do anything at all except crying, looking him getting out of the room without turning a single moment.

My heart broke into thousands of pieces. I am alive, yes, but I have the feeling of being a ghost. Edward is gone, forever. Once again life has taken away someone I loved deeply. I never never love any man as much as I loved him, because losing the love of our life, is like losing a part of our heart.

* * *

I put another three days before I could get up and walk a few steps, however puny in my bedroom and my bathroom. Sometimes I went to the small room that was part of my studio, but most of my time I spent in bed, sleeping during hours.

Isaac left me alone again and he took over the class, but he went down very often during the day to check my condition, bring me something to eat or speak, simply. I learned that Edward had put his resignation and that he had already left the University. The class was given by another teacher. But I do not know more because Isaac did not seem to talk about him.

I was in the bathroom when shots were brought to the door of my apartment.

-Come in Isaac, I cried before I went into my bedroom with a dressing gown over my shoulders to make myself more presentable.

Then the hesitantly, I head to the living room. There I am frozen in place by seeing who stood before me. My father.

-Father?

-Julia, Dean contacted me in Ottawa, he was reported to me that you were seriously ill.

-Who told him?

-One of your teacher who cared for you.

Edward.

-I am sorry you ...

I have not had time to finish my sentence my father approached me in a leap to take me in his arms. I remain amazed at such familiarity, who never actually use and I do not move for a few seconds before he kisses over my ear.

- I was so afraid receiving his call. I will not endure to hear of your loss.

-Oh Father, I sighed softly crying, forgive me. I had been so careless.

I can no longer hold back my tears and too weak to hold still standing, I let all my weight on him, tightening my arms firmly around his neck. I needed comfort, to forget all the pain that I felt still. He tightened his grip a little and gently spoke again.

-You will go home, Julia. Everything will be fine now.

I nodded, unable to utter a single word, as I cried again gently on his shoulder. I did not want to fight that moment I just wanted him to keep me in his arms and continues to gently caress my hair down. I just wanted to forget.

* * *

_Forgetting is something unpredictable and untamed thing. We would like to remember the good times and forget the dark and painful. Unfortunately, often the opposite happens. But the painful memories are those that shape us, make us stronger and lead us to savor the moments of happiness available to us._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	11. Leaving

11. Leaving

_Many say that when you choose to leave, you run away. Perhaps it is right. Perhaps the sense of adventure is a perpetual quest to escape. Perhaps that sense of reliving when we leaving everything, is only a pale illusion, a weakness of the soul. Perhaps leaving is wanting to start over, again._

* * *

I was back home for several weeks. I finally rested and savored my walks in our park surrounding the house. I ate again several meals a day. I had not opened a book of medicine, reminding me all too painfully what I had experienced. Yet it was still impossible for me to not feel a twinge of heart when I met children in the street. And so I spent most of my time in the house.

My father asked me any questions and he didn't spoke to me about my career and marriage for days, until that evening, as we dined both in the large dining room.

-Have you had received the invitation to the wedding of James? He said gently.

-Indeed, I nodded still cut my meat with more determination.

-Yet a man who has courted you fervently.

-His fiancee is a woman very well in any way.

-Perhaps, he grumbled, but I fed deep wish to see you become Mrs. Pendrick someday.

-It seems I am not the one who was to become, I added without looking.

-It seems indeed, he whispers with disappointment.

Silence then fell slowly and we continue to eat quietly. Then, when our plates were cleared, I agreed to look at him. I bit my lips and I took my courage in both hands.

-Father, I said in a shaky voice, I have to tell you something important.

-Do not tell me that you want to continue your studies if ...

-No, I was cutting it, I ... I will wish to leave Toronto for a while.

He raised an eyebrow.

-Really?

-I always wanted to visit the world, especially Europe. I think it will do the best to me, if you agree, of course.

-Since when do you need my permission to do anything at all? He said, laughing heartily. I am sure that you have already planned where you go and what you will visit, it is not?

-Yes, I confessed with shame, but I can not afford the trip.

-There is obvious that I will Julia. But on one condition.

-I am listen to you? I said suspiciously.

-You will leave after the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Pendrick, I have not lost hope that a young man will stop you from being alone for years.

-Alright, I say with a smile, thank you Father.

He did not answer and simply nodded before they serve us our dessert and we finished our dinner in the most absolute silence.

* * *

I organized my trip in a few days. All my bags were ready, but I still had to wait two weeks, two long, interminable weeks before Sally and James did say "I do." I took the train the next day for New York. The journey lasted a few days, but when I finally arrived at the dock where the ship was to take me to Europe, I forgot all the fatigue of the journey. I went to a new life, leaving my injuries behind me.

* * *

I was drinking tea on the terrace, watching blankly people who thronged the streets, lovers who were stealing kisses, people who greeted amicably. I was in Paris since three months. And as I hardly speak French, I felt confortable in this city where the joy of life prevailed. I had the opportunity to climb up the tower, which is called Eiffel Tower. I was deeply impressed and touched by so much beauty and ingenuity. When one is at the top and we drink champagne and admire Paris, it feels like the clouds. The whole Paris speaks only of her, but some criticized it for over a year, she dominates the area with its elegant silhouette. Paris is a very different city of Toronto, or London, where I spent six months already since I left New York. Yet I must admit that Paris is a city to discover someone by your side, and although I enjoy walking around the gardens, visit museums and enjoy French cuisine, I can not wait to continue my journey. My next stop is Prague. I remember a book I often read with my mother as a child, and Prague was the city where they attended the plot, I can not travel to Europe without a halt.

So I enjoy my last day in the French capital before taking the train tomorrow towards the east.

* * *

The trip lasted for days, but I am not complaining. I have always loved taking the train and discover the landscapes. The train stop in several cities. But I think I will always remember this city to the west of the Empire of Prussia, Strassburg, where an encounter brought me company as I was missing since I left.

The young man slowly walked towards me while I was dining quietly watching people rushing on the platform of the station before the train departs.

-Avez-vous besoin de compagnie? He shoots me with a wide smile.

-Non merci, I replied politely in French.

-Vous n'êtes pas française, Deutsch?

-Non, I said, blushing softly, je suis Canadienne.

-Oh, you did many miles, he continued, now in English.

-Indeed, I sighed.

-And you are alone for a long trip? He insists.

I do not have time to answer a voice came from a little further.

-No, she is not alone and she did not want your company.

I see a young woman about my age move towards us, with a gait and proud look.

-Now, if you want to leave us, sir, we have many things to talk about.

The young man just nodded and walked away sheepishly, just sending me a nod. The newcomer gave me a huge smile and immediately sat down opposite me.

-Thank you, I sighed, I did not know how to dismiss him.

-I had noticed, she said, laughing, I know that kind of men. Ah, les français!

I laughed with her and I see her hold her hand to me over the table.

-Louise Blondeau.

-Julia Ogden, I replied, shaking her hand.

-You let me stay with you for dinner? He will think that we really are traveling together.

-Oh yes, please, stay, it will give me some company.

-You really are traveling alone from Canada?

-Yes.

-That's must be so exciting, she says happily.

-It depends of meetings, I confessed softly.

-Oh, I understand. Tell me, how is Canada? I always wanted to go, I read so many books about it. They say it is a huge country and that we can freeze to death in a single second.

-Well, that is big, I said, laughing, and cold in winter. There is so much to say, I will not know where to begin.

-We have plenty of time Julia, I do not come down until Prague, do you?

-Me too.

-Fantastique, she exclaims with joy, then tell me about your country I wish to know everything.

I smiled at her tenderly, delighted to find a young woman with whom I can talk, a young woman full of life, happy and excited for everything. I understand that even just a few minutes that this meeting will mark me as Louise is a remarkable young woman, in any way.

So our evening did not end until much later, talking about this and that until the end of the night. I was happy to have found a young woman with the same interests as mine, passionate about art, literature and travel. We had met and we felt like we had always known. I could talk freely with her, she did not judge me. I had found a friend, almost a sister, and my next month in Prague lay ahead much more interesting than I had thought.

* * *

_We all leave one day. We are eternal travelers in search of a new land, a new encounter, a new discovery. From not leak, and is growing._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	12. New experience

12. New Experience

_We build our lives through the experiences we have, the good, the bad, the unexpected. Sometimes it is believed to know yourself, knowing what we love and what we hate, until, without warning, a new experience just shake our certainties and question everything._

* * *

I was in Prague since two months already. I liked everything in this city. I loved the atmosphere that emanated from the buildings, the smells of tea, the people I met day after day. I lived in a small apartment with Louise, too happy to have found a friend to share my walks and my adventures of all kinds. My friend exuded happiness and was not afraid of anything and with her I forgot everything, my past, my injuries. We were young and we care not for the consequences of our actions, too busy to enjoy every moment that life offered us.

We had dinner at a lovely restaurant that night, and then we go to the opera and watch the Magic Flute by Mozart. Arm-in arm, we returned to the apartment with a laugh, remembering some part of the play and how the singer looked like one of our neighbor.

-I do not imagine for one second Wilfreda sing like that, said Louise laughing, imagine her poor cat, he would throw himself out the window to no longer hear it.

-I think if Wilfreda tried to sing it is more like the cry of a stuck pig, I added, laughing with her.

-Oh Julia, come on, tried to scold my friend without much conviction, I do not recognize you there.

-It is because you have a bad influence on me, I said, smiling.

Yet it only lasted a few short seconds before we burst out laughing both again when my friend pushed the heavy door of the building where we were staying.

-Good evening Ladies, made a deep voice when we reached the first floor still laughing.

-Wifreda, said Louise, what a surprise, do you not sleep?

-With all the fuss, certainly not.

-Please sorry, I said shyly attracting Louise with me to the stairs going up to the second floor.

-This is not safe for two girls to hang out at this time.

-We were at the restaurant and at the opera, said Louise laughed.

-And obviously you have overindulged in the wine, the old woman grumbled.

-Have you see the Magic Flute by Mozart? I say regardless of her words and quickly enough for Louise to react before me.

-Dear Lord, not an opera in German, how awful.

I shook my head from side to side, I will have known she would think that.

-Good evening Wilfreda, I said softly continuing my way, leading my friend with me.

-Mmhh Good evening Ladies, I heard her growl before she closes the door behind her.

-I feel sorry for her cat, Louise murmured softly before we were taken by another giggle.

* * *

We take a few short minutes to get home and we join our respective chamber to go to bed. I pulled the blanket that was on my bed when I heard my friend's voice barely louder than a whisper behind the wood of the door.

-Julia, can I come in?

-Yes, I replied softly, turning to the door, which opened immediately.

Louise walked into my room, dressed in a long, thin white nightgown like mine. Yet I noticed that something was bothering her and she had not even unpacked her hair to go to bed.

-What happens Louise?

-Well, I wanted to ask you something.

-I am listening to you.

-I am a little afraid of your reaction.

I walk towards her to take her hand and look into her eyes.

-I think that with everything I have told you about me you do not have to be afraid to ask me anything at all.

-It is because of something that you told me about your past.

-Well, if I can help you, ask me what you want.

-How ... How do we love?

I froze on the spot within a second mouth open, completely distraught about this issue.

-Well, it is ... uh ...

-You have had sex with a man and I never did. I am afraid I do not know.

-I did it because I loved him. The day you find a man you love deeply and who will love you will not have to ask you any questions. Things just come as it should.

-And if it is not?

-Louise, I sighed.

-Show me.

-I can not, I am a woman.

-And you are Doctor.

-No I am not, I murmured, looking at the ground.

-You will become one, I am sure, my friend shot while trying to catch my eye, please, teach me.

I look up to her and look at ther closer. Louise always amazes me with her openness, by her mischievous nature, by the mercies and beauty that emanate from her. How can I imagine for a moment that no man will succumb to her charm and charisma, not to mention her stubborness.

-Very well, I said softly, smiling.

She gives me a huge smile before I made one step closer to her to hold me close enough.

-For start, I said softly, you must let your hair down, men are totally messed up when you leave strands caress their skin.

She does not answer and I run my hand to her hair to remove the pins that are still there, then my hands slip between her curls come to put them on her shoulders. I let my fingers run over the fabric of her nightgown to approach laces on her chest.

-A man wish to undress, then let him do it, unless you see that it has difficulty in undoing the laces of your corset, they are rarely patients to take the time to do it delicately, I said, smiling.

Louise also smiled but did not answer. I still throw her a look before gently open the laces, touching her soft skin too. I open her nightgown, releasing her breasts as I stroke my fingertips to come drag the thin fabric on the floor, slowly noticing that the young woman had her eyes closed and her breathing was faster. Once naked, standing in front of me I still look at her a moment, noticing what I already knew, her body will make happy the man she has chosen to marry.

-Once you are totally naked, I continued, you will have to undress him too, not to forget to embrace him, to pass your hands through his hair, whispering words of love in his ear. You will show him which areas of your body that you are most sensitive and you will find his.

-Do I tell him?

-Oh no, you will find out when his hands and lips glide over your skin.

Before I have time to answer anything at all, she grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest without leaving my eyes.

-This will be my breast?

-Or your neck, your thighs, your belly button, or even far more intimate, I added, blushing.

-And if I feel nothing?

I sigh before smiling guide her to the bed

-Lie down, I just ordered.

She did so.

-Close your eyes.

She obeyed again and I inspired deeply, wondering what I was doing before I sat down on the edge of the bed and look towards her. I closed my eyes too, a put a kiss in the hollow of her neck, and then a little further down on her shoulders, her chest, her stomach, her thigh and leg.

Louise's breathing was becoming deeper, my hand turned the way to her hair and I was playing with one of her loops, leaving my breath mingle with hers during few seconds. Then, my fingers slid over her skin on her entire body, before I am away from her, until she opens her eyes and she cross my eyes.

-Then that is how we make love? She asked softly, smiling.

-I did nothing else that show how your body may react, I said, laughing, making love is much more than that. You will discover this with your lover. But never forget that you have to take your time, every word, every gesture, every kiss is important. Now dressed again if you do not want to have a cold, I say laughed when I got up to take her nightgown that had run aground on the ground.

I threw it and she passed quickly before lying down on my bed again.

-Do you know you are in my bed? I say falsely upset.

-After what you have done I have the right to stay, right? She asks with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. You are not going to act like the worst scoundrels and put me out?

I shake my head from side to side before approaching from my bed again.

-Give me a little space in this case, and do not you dare snoring.

We both laugh and go to bed one against the other, watching each other for a long moment.

-Julia, tell me, did you like it? Louise asks me playing with a lock of my hair.

-Like what?

-Make what you did to me?

-I love you very much Louise, I confessed softly, and I must say that you are very beautiful and attractive. But I like men, I have no doubt about that.

-Mmh, shame, Louise sighed, closing her eyes, good night Julia.

-Goodnight Louise, I replied softly, looking at her fall asleep against me.

So I remained lost in thought for a few minutes, thinking about what I felt when my hands and my lips brushed against the body of my friend. I love men, I did not doubt for a second, only I could not help but feel bit disturbed to see how she had welcomed my attacks. I wondered at that moment what would have happened if I had not stopped me. After all, man is an animal and it is not uncommon to see in the wild animals of the same sex play them intimately.

I sighed deeply. Men are not nearly as forgiving as animals and the day the company will allow this kind of attitude is not happened yet.

* * *

_The experiments are part of life and we build without them we do not get new people, we do not change, we do not grow. Questioning what we have always believed acquired begs another look at the others, the world and ourselves._

* * *

_To be continued ..._


	13. Come Back

13. Come Back

_The return seems to be a backward, as if we refused to move, as if everything we did did not count. But the return is never like going, because things have changed. We will never go back as we left._

* * *

Months had passed so speed. It was time for me to go to Toronto. I was alive again, happy, hopeful and full of new projects. And it was time to "start over" to live.

I stood on the station platform, looking absently the train in front of me when a hand fell on my shoulder. I turned my face to the person behind me sending her the most tender smile.

-All is ready? Timidly asked my friend.

I nodded, unable to speak as the sadness of having to leave ache my heart. She noticed and approached a little closer to me to take me in her arms. I immediately put my chin on hier shoulder and closed my eyes.

-I will miss you, Julia, she murmured against me still tightening our grip, but you need to go home now.

-I would like that your place is at Toronto with me.

-I would like too, she whispered simply, but unfortunately this is not possible.

Silence fell and I appreciated that embrace, not wanting for anything to break. Then my friend spoke up softly.

-You are going to be a brilliant Doctor, I am sure about it. This is your destiny and you know it. You are made to save lives and I am proud to say one day that I was friends with a girl like you.

-It thanks to you I am going back to school, you, more than anyone else, you saved me.

I break away a bit of her to look her and notice the tears that slid down her cheeks. I wiped one with my thumb as she let out another sob.

-Do not forget me, she said, almost pleading.

-I will never forget you Louise, it is impossible for all the craziness that we made together, I added, laughing.

She did the same and jumped at the sound of the whistle of the stationmaster.

-Take this, she added, rummaging in her bag to get out a book and give it to me, take this book with you, so it will always be a small souvenir of me.

I looked at the cover of the book and could not help but smile when I saw that it was a medical book. Louise convinced me to go back to school, to complete and fulfill my dream. She understood who I was and really liked me. Even if we happened to disagree sometimes and express our opinions vehemently, it was none the less it is respected each other. Which allowed to build this so strong friendship between us.

-Thank you, I sighed, feeling a tear escape my eyes, thank you for everything Louise. Because of you I learned to live again.

She smiled tenderly before coming kiss on my cheek and pull me against her again.

-A day perhaps we meet again, she whispered, until then promise me to be happy and to never let anyone change you. Be proud to be who you are.

-We will meet again one day, I said softly, and you, promise me to be less reckless in the future.

-I will try, she laughs.

We broke once again our embrace and we shared another look. Louise shyly took my hand and kissed it.

-Goddbye Julia, she whispered simply.

-Goodbye Louise, I say the same way.

The whistle blew again and I to turn from my friend once and for all to get on the train. I hastened to come to my place, seeing that she was following my run on the platform. Then I leaned out the window and reached out to her.

-Take this, I say simply handing her the pendant I had hastily withdrawn.

-What is it? She shouted as the train began its route.

-As you will keep a souvenir from me too, I am just smiling as she watched the jewel resting in the palm of her hand, as a promise to come see me one day. I will make you visit my beautiful country.

She did not answer and again smiled widely before making me a hand signal which I replied immediately.

-Thank you, she cried.

-Thank to you.

The train picked up speed and my friend slowly disappeared as and when I moved away.

Then I plopped down on the bench and sighed deeply. Tears ran down my cheeks and I can not hold them. I was sad once again, life has taken me a person I loved deeply. But this time I knew that the future would be bright, this time I felt a touch of happiness in the heart because I knew that this meeting was one of the most beautiful of my life. I knew I was going home to get over it because I grew up and I became a strong woman again. I knew that nothing could shake my will, because when I doubt, I will have to look at this book, which was on my knees at that time, to remember that people had believed in me. Edward and Louise, the ones I will never forget.

* * *

Return to the country and the reality were violent. After the first day, when my family was happy to see me, my father upset me again. He always maintained that I had to marry a young man of good family. And I maintained that I would resume my medical studies. The University of Toronto gave reason to my father, I had lost my chance and it was out of the question for them to accept me. So, just returned to Canada for two months, I left for a year to Boston. The Harvard University was the most famous all over the country and it was a great chance that they will accept my me. I benefited of the best classes, I attended a group composed exclusively of women and we met every week at the University Library to talk about everything and nothing, of everyday life. I finally breathed, seeing what a difference it made with my years at the University of Toronto. I was lucky enough to have some friends in my hometown, but the United States is not judging me as harshly. Nobody knew who I was, what was my past and so I was able to make a fresh start. In just one year I graduated. This June 26, 1893 I became Dr. Julia Ogden.

* * *

I undid my bags in my room when two small strokes were brought to my door. I was about to return with a sigh, suspecting that it would be my father who tried to dissuade me once again of apply in the city hospital. But I was surprised to see my little sister Ruby that I had not seen since last Christmas there a few months ago.

-Ruby, I said a smile before taking her in my arms.

-Good morning Jules, do you had a good trip?

-Yes, very good, I replied by dropping, I missed you. How are you?

-I am fine, but it was empty here without you, you know.

-I hope that Father failed to make you marry a man of good family, I said laughing before taking my clothes.

-No, no he did not intend, I am not his eldest daughter he strut that I am going to marry.

-Do not say that, he cares about you as much as me.

-Then why he has done everything that you married a good man and wants to keep you here while he send me to California?

-California? I said with astonishment. I am not sure to understand you.

-Jules, answered Ruby, taking my hand to lead me to the bed and sit, Father taught my affair and he wants me quits Toronto. He sent me to Aunt Gladys.

-You are having an affair? Why do you never talked about it to me?

-You travel all the time, she said, looking up at the ceiling.

-With whom?

-A married man, it does not matter.

-Ruby? I said with astonishment.

-I am not here for you to do me a preachify. You must help me to prevent me from leaving. There is no way that I go live with this old coot.

-I have to make you preachify, do you not realize the consequences of your actions? It is very serious if his wife found out ... and if the city knew.

-Oh I beg you, his wife is old and stunted. And I brace the city and my reputation and that of the Father.

-I do not talk to you only about your reputation and that of our Father. You could get pregnant, can you imagine?

-As you, murmured shyly my little sister, and I have made disappear the baby as you did? What did you do to lose the child Jules?

-I just had a miscarriage. And I do not intend to tell you about it now, I said coldly standing up, don't compare my experience to yours.

-But it is the same, right?

-No, I loved this man and he had no wife.

-Who told you I do not love him?

-Ruby seriously, you have another man every week. Father is right to walk you away from your lover, you do not realize the risks you take.

-I thought you could help me.

-I am in the opinion of Father, I said softly, forget this man and do what Father asks you, in this will be better for everyone. Now Ruby leave my room I have organizing to do.

-How dare you dismiss me this way? Is offended my sister going towards the door. You changed Julia, I do not recognize you.

-I grew up and it is time that you do the same.

She gave me a dirty look and left the room, slamming the door. I sighed deeply and let me down on my bed again. I know I was hard on Ruby, she had asked for my support to stand up to our father and that I had not given her. But at that moment I knew I was right. I knew that an affair could cause such events and for anything I wanted my little sister goes through all the injuries I have known. I was not sorry to be here today, I just hoped she would never know that I made difficult choices once.

* * *

_It happens one day we partes to find better elsewhere, to find its place in the world, to discover who we really are. We do hundreds of miles without knowing where we are going and without warning, we realize that our place is where we did not. We can go around the globe without ever finding to realize that our 'home' is the place where our heart is. Simply._

* * *

_To be continued ..._


	14. DrOgden

14. Dr. Ogden

_It is often said that all good things come to an end. The bads too. Sometimes, you have to grit your teeth, hold on to something not to crack, as it is simply convinced that things will get better one day._

* * *

The city hospital refused my application. All my applications. Orphanages, children's hospitals in Toronto and outside of the city, all without exception had not allowed me to be part of their staff.

So I again lost my day walking in the city streets, wondering when we would finally give me the chance to prove what I was capable of.

So I went home on foot stomping, lost in my thoughts. I gave my hat and coat to our housemaid when I heard two voices rising from the living room.

-My father receives someone? I asked the old woman.

- Dr. Hopkins.

-I didn't knew that he was ill.

-I think it is a courtesy Miss.

I frowned. My father often entertained friends for a courtesy visit, but never his personal doctor if he was not suffering. I walked to the door and gave two small strokes. The voice of my father rose from the room and reported that I could enter. I then made gently sending a tender smile to the man that I knew from the time he had treated my mother many years ago.

-Miss Ogden, he said, rising, I am delighted to see you.

-Good morning Doctor, I said politely as he kissed my hand, it is been several years now that we are no longer met indeed.

-Your father told me you were gone in Europe, did you enjoy the trip?

-Yes, a lot, I said, smiling broadly, I have enjoyed getting to know the old continent. Alas, we have to go one day. I also learned that your office was named as one of the most famous of the city.

-Did you doubt that the Doctor was an excellent one? My father says to me.

-Oh, no, excuse me, Doctor, I said, blushing, I did not question your experience.

He gives me a soft smile and I turned to my father before I spoke again.

-I will leave you to speak privately, my regards to your wife Doctor.

-Julia wait, said my father when I was about to leave the room, if Richard is here, it is for a good reason and it concerns you.

I looked at him with incomprehension and beckoned me to sit on a chair next to them. I was performing in silence, he spoke again.

-Richard needs an assistant.

-Today as the medical journal said that I am an honorable Doctor, people rush to my office. And I do not know where to turn. Also, help me would be very valuable. I learned that you were a graduate of Harvard and a record of the University of Toronto is very complimentary to you and your former classmates tell me good things about you Julia.

-Well, I say unprepared, I do not know what to answer.

-It is a great opportunity, leaned my father.

This comment confused me. I did not know if it was once again a trap or if he was really sincere in wanting to help me. But after all, I did not have the luxury to be choosy, nobody wanted me anyway.

I smiled and nodded.

-It is an honor Dr. Hopkins.

-Great, exclaimed him, that is a good thing done. I would enjoy this news with another drink, Andrew.

My father nodded and they drank another glass of scotch while he asked me to tea.

I stayed with them for several minutes, as a courtesy, before going to my bedroom. The book that gave me Louise was lying on my bed, I opened it and play between my fingers taking a dried rose, the last memory I had from Edward. Then I closed the book with a snap few minutes later. I was happy, now my life as a Doctor would begin at last.

* * *

I was far from suspecting that the road would be still so long to make my way. I started the following week my work with the friend of my father, my very first place. I spent hours sitting at wooden desk, invaded folder, paper, to phone to the hospital to his external consultations, to take calls from patients, taking notes, writing reports.

Rare were the times when I left the office before the night. Fortunately, I lived a few blocks now from my job. It had been subject to a tough battle with my father to let me live alone, but he had agreed to do. And I rented a small apartment in a quiet neighborhood. He no longer had to endure my returns sometimes very late at night and I was not required to make a report on my every move.

Although the idea of attending tearooms, to walk on Toronto Island and go to the theater I did not mind, was very clear that I do not have time. I spent most of my time in this small room, working hard even on days when the office was closed to finish my work that seemed to accumulate again and again.

I do not have time to complain, I was working, just not noticing that the days, weeks and months passed.

* * *

It's been a year that I was to be the assistant of Dr. Hopkins and I had not dealt with a single case. One morning, however, things changed. Finally.

I gave the last posts the Doctor as he entered his office.

-Something is wrong sir? I asked shyly.

-You have no idea Julia, I have to attend an autopsy this morning. A murder has been committed and Dr. Gram has decided to retire and chose me to succeed. I do not have any intention of becoming a coroner, you see.

-You will only have to reject the proposal, a famous Doctor as you should be able to choose what he want to do.

-But the police station number four can not dispense medical examiner.

I did not answer and felt his eyes on me insistently ask before he spoke again.

-Julia, I know you are here for a year now and I feel that you no longer feel for you.

-Do you dismiss me? I said, frowning.

-I asked you to be my assistant regarding my friendship for your father.

-I knew it, I sighed.

-But I think your place is not here.

-Well, I would treat my own case, but it appears that the city is still not inclined to let a woman become a Doctor.

-And forensics, have you thought about this?

-Doctor, I doubt ...

-Go to the autopsy, see if the position is right for you and if that is I would support your application. If it does not, we will do as if this discussion had never taken place.

I did not answer. I knew that he was manipulating me again, he took me for a little scatterbrained who knew nothing about medicine. But after all, I had decided to play too. I could not stand this place, a little change would be good, and at least, the dead do not judge me.

-Alright I said, smiling broadly, I would be happy to take that position. Criminal investigations have always fascinated me.

He smiled in turn and after a few formalities, he gave me the address of the morgue and wished me good luck.

I was surprised that I went with a light heart. After all, I was finally able to use my knowledge to change things, solve mysteries, bring the murderers to the gallows. At that moment I felt very powerful, as if I could change the world. I will continue to report, but this time, my name is written at the bottom of the page and not that of a respectable man who had not thrown a single glance.

I was finally going to become Dr. Ogden, Dr. Julia Ogden, a woman in a man's world. I was going to make me respect, I would still be subject to ridicule, but I was going to achieve my dream, to change things and I was happy.

* * *

_You would not know how things can unfold in our favor. What we did not think for a second, turns out to be our new passion. And for every passion people are there to give us a taste of going further._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	15. William Murdoch

15. William Murdoch

_We do not choose what happens to us in our life. But we can choose how we want to live the events passed through._

* * *

I attended Dr. Gram during the autopsy of a poor man shot and killed in a notorious Toronto street. While expecting to see his friend arrive, Dr. Hopkins, he did not take offense to the fact that I was a woman. Too impatient to leave this job to a well-deserved retirement with his wife, he left me the reins of the morgue just a week later.

-Good luck Dr. Ogden, you will need it, he said, leaving me alone in the huge room deserted.

Then I ventured to search every corner of the room, every closet, every shelf. I was at home now and I could hear it well bring my personal touch. I did drop my things the next morning and was surprised to be interrupted in my storage by a colleague who dropped me a body. He then immediately left the room, chuckling wedge also wishing me good luck. He was far from suspecting that I was a long time get no more attention to teasing that people said to me. In truth, today I always smiled when it happened, it was just one more reason for me to show them what I could do.

* * *

I stayed a long time standing next to the body. Although Dr. Gram had left me an autopsy, he had made sure to give me any instructions. There I was alone at last. I went to work for several minutes in complete silence, I was at peace, I was where I had to be in my place, as I had been the first time I entered in the classroom of Professor Lowen.

Once I had stitched the poor man and that I had put in the cold room adjacent, I returned to my office to write my report. I did as I had done hundreds of others before. Yet when put my signature at the bottom of the page there, I froze on the spot within a second. For the first time I was going to put MY name and not that of a colleague. I was going to sign Dr. Julia Ogden. I smiled shyly observing a moment my name written in my own hand. I was there finally arrived. After all the hardships that I had endured, I had reached my goal, finally.

A few minutes later an officer from the Station Number Four came for my report to bring it to his superiors, then fell quiet again and I went back to my storage.

* * *

I try for several minutes already struggling with huge shelf that was in a corner of the room. I want to move it a few inches and yet it took me minutes of pain and effort to get there. Of course, there was no question that I ask anyone at all to help me, I was too proud to think about it for a second. I only had a few millimeters and yet I was exhausted. I saw the top shelf move dangerously and I was going to see it fall to the ground, when hands were stretched above my head to come and support the furniture and thus prevent it from toppling over and hurt me . I sighed deeply before looking up to him who had come.

-Thank you, I sighed, crossing his dark eyes.

-My pleasure, he replied in a deep voice that startled me a while, but I think you should ask for help to move furniture in the future if you do not want to hurt you.

-I try to think, I replied coldly before moving to his side.

Silence fell and I turned to ask him who he was and what he was doing here, because obviously it was not Doctor or police officer. I saw him take in his hands the book that gave me Louise and I had on my desk. He looked carefully the cover frowned and opened it to the page where the rose of Edward was still pink. I allowed myself to get noticed by a clearing of the throat, after all I was in MY morgue and he touched MY business. He closed the book and suddenly looked up at me guiltily.

-Can I help you Sir ...

-Detective Murdoch, William Murdoch, he replied immediately with a smile, I work at the Station Number Four and I want to see Dr. Ogden. Do you know where he is Miss?

-Yes, I said with a smile, but why would you see him?

-This concerns a survey he sent me on the autopsy report. And I would like to share with him an assumption about it.

-Oh, I see, I sighed softly, realizing that this man should not expect to see a woman and I could not blame him because after all they were all the same, well tell me. What is this assumption?

-I do not doubt that you are a good assistant Miss and you do not want to bother the Doctor if it is not necessary, but I will wish to speak with him privately.

I laughed softly, looking at the ground a few moments before stepping closer to him and shake hands with him.

-I am the Doctor Ogden, Detective, Doctor Julia Ogden, I insisted on my name, obviously you did not check the signature at the bottom of the report.

I saw then decompose on site and I could not help but smile even more. Yet he did not seem to want to shake my hand. Hurt, I was about to fall when he took it and gently tightened his fingers on mine.

-Please my apologize. I am delighted, he said softly, and ... surprised.

-You would not be the first, I said softly, then tell me what do you want to talk to me?

-Yes, uh ...

He finally let go of my hand and opened the file of the investigation, glancing at my report. I looked at details automatically, without even hearing his words, then, when he looked up at me again, I took foot in reality and was interested in the details of the case. So we talked for several minutes. He took into account my findings and opinions. He did not cut me off, he gave me tender gaze, not mocking laughter and inappropriate comments. And when we thought that there was nothing more to say, he headed for the exit easily.

Still, he called me again.

-Doctor?

-Have you another question?

-No, I ... welcome among us, he said hesitantly yet warm, I hope you will take pleasure in Station Number Four.

-Thank you, I replied shyly smiling, we are led to see us often, I think.

-Indeed. Good day Dr. Ogden.

-You too, Detective Murdoch.

He gave me one last smile and a nod before leaving the room without looking back. When the door closed behind him, I finally caught my breath. I had not felt that way for a long time, since the time I had been in love, the first time and probably the only one. I closed my eyes for a moment to try to calm myself, to put my ideas in place. It really was not the time to act like a teenager, not now that I had reached my goal. I had to not spoil my chance. But my heart, it did not seem to calm down at the thought that I was going to work every day with the Detective William Murdoch.

* * *

I stoped one more time later that night. Since meeting the Detective, I had little opportunity to cross him, nor any man of the police station except Inspector Brakenreid to whom I clear impression. Far less conciliatory than the Detective Murdoch, I knew that with him I would have to fight to get accepted, but I had formed the idea.

I brought the last item on my report and put out the lights. I left the building and went to the police station to give them my latest findings. I gave two small strokes in the office of the Detective who beckoned me to come immediately. I met the gaze of a young woman who was standing there, sitting on his desk and smiled tenderly.

-I have your report, I said softly, but I will come back if you want.

-No it is alright, said the Detective, Dr. Ogden, let me introduce you Liza Millner, my fiancée.

This reality froze my blood. How can I imagined myself one second that a man such as him had no one in his life?

I smiled shyly and she slowly approached me.

-I am delighted to meet you Miss Millner, I say simply.

- Me too Doctor, William speaks about you a lot.

I exchanged glances with him that seemed suddenly very embarrassed and looked at the ground moments before his fiancee spoke again.

-I am glad he found a mind as sharp as his because I have to say that often I do not understand everything he tells me, she laughs, tell me would you be free to lunch on a Sunday? We could chat over a good meal all three. I confess also to be very curious to know how a woman can get the place you have, it is a great advance in our society.

-Liza I do not believe that Dr. Ogden is excited to come to lunch with us. She must have a lot to do.

They both looked at me and I didn't knew what to say.

-Well ... it would be with joy, I said, smiling without knowing why I accepted the invitation.

-Perfect,exclaimed Liza, in this case, I will pass to William a date and we will organize it.

-It sounds like a good idea, I added.

The Detective simply smiled and I inspired deeply before speaking again.

-I have to leave now, good evening Miss Millner, Detective.

-You too Doctor, he said softly, crossing my eyes again.

-Good evening, Liza replied, smiling.

Then I left the office quickly. Yet I can not help but turn around after a few steps. My heart sank when I saw the young woman to hug her fiance and that he tightened his arms around her to come and kiss her hair. Yes, Detective Murdoch was an exceptional man I had no doubt and I would have to learn to work with him every day knowing that it was promised to another, a remarkable young woman.

* * *

_Fate loves play tricks, and often we do not find them so funny at all._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	16. Friends

16. Friends

_We say we choose our friends, people who can be really count, those who never let us down in hard times. But if it was not us who choose them, but thoses who chose us?_

* * *

I worked for more than two months at the morgue from the Station Number Four. I must admit that some days I am still coming up against contempt by the men with whom I worked. But I was surprised to see that most of the time, they began to consider my opinion and accepted the remarks that I could sometimes make an investigation. I got excited gently for police investigations, technical that used Detective Murdoch to settling a case. We spent a lot of time talking together, because if he taught me many things about his work and his passion, I did the same with medicine. Soon, we exchanged our books and opinions. I always particularly liked those moments that we discuss about this and that.

Detective Murdoch was very evasive about his private life, but I could understand that we have not the same education. He was not like all the men I had known, whose fortune was far beyond intelligence, kindness and simplicity. William Murdoch was, meanwhile, a highly educated man, but he always seemed to want to hide, not modesty no doubt, and I found it charming. With him, I allowed myself to be the woman I really was. I did not play any role. Although it was clear he was sorely lacking humor for me, the times we spent talking were probably the best I had since I took this job.

It had been several days since I had seen him. The last time was the one where he announced that the planned lunch with Liza was canceled. She was ill and he preferred to postpone our appointment. I understood it and wish him to convey a speedy recovery to his fiancee. But when I met his dark eyes at that moment, I realized he probably hid the nature of her illness. He did not answered and nodded politely before leaving my morgue.

There was five days ago.

* * *

I worked with him on a case, and once completed my report, I headed to the building of my colleagues. I entered on the open space, greeting the men I met and I made the way leading to the office of the Detective and gave several knocks without response.

-Detective Murdoch is not here, Doctor, launched a voice behind me.

I turned to see Constable George Crabtree coming towards me.

-Do you know when he comes back? I have the autopsy report of Miss Morvil for him.

-He is no longer involved in this case, it is Inspector Brakenreid who work on it.

-Oh, I sighed, and Inspector Brakenreid is in his office?

-Yes, I will do warn that you are there.

I just nodded with a smile before throwing a glance toward the office of the Detective Murdoch.

Once the Constable Crabtree announce me, I entered the office of the Inspector. I saw him use a glass, giving me a look before he speaks.

-Dr. Ogden, what did you find?

-Here is my report, I said softly, handing him.

He grabbed it and read it quickly in silence. He furrowed his brow several times, but no one asked me anything. And after a few minutes spent in absolute silence, he sat behind his desk and looked up at me.

-Could Miss Morvil be killed by the same man as her brother?

-I suspect, yes.

-But why?

-I do not know sir, I am a forensic pathologist, not Inspector.

-But Murdoch often ask your opinion.

-Well, yes ... but uh ...

-What is your opinion on the case Doctor?

I remained silent for a moment. I knew that since some time Detective Murdoch trusted me, I had no idea that he was not the only one. The thought warmed my heart and I pray up on the chair in front of the desk to outline my assumptions as I did with William. The Inspector Brakenreid did not have a mind sharp as the young man and I had to try several times to explain to him. And after we had finished, silence fell. He poured another glass and I looked once again to the office of Detective Murdoch.

-Inspector, I say sheepishly, why not Detective Murdoch is still responsible for this?

-He had things to settle, personal things with his fiancée.

-Oh, I hope she is doing better, I learned that she was ill.

-Somehow.

I frowned, not understanding what he was telling me when he spoke again.

-She is dead, he simply said softly.

-Oh my God, I sighed, feeling my heart sink in my chest, how did this happen?

-She was suffering from tuberculosis. Murdoch has a few days off to recover, that's why I am responsible for the case at present. It seems that he is not sick.

-I understand, I said softly, I will let you twork then.

He gave me a head movement and I left his office to go quickly to the morgue, the place that had become my refuge. I could not help but think of William and terrible ordeal he had to go through at this time. I wish I was with him to support him, because I knew how to, losing a loved one was deeply painful.

* * *

We had finally completed this terrible investigation. I left the morgue later that night, wanting to return home as soon as possible to get to my bed . But when I looked up at the police station, a dim light caught my eye. If I remember correctly, the guard post was number three, not four. It should have been deserted, haunted only by a guard making his rounds every hour. But this small flickering flame in the office of the Detective Murdoch could only be a proof of his presence.

I walked towards the building and entered it quickly. I knew the place in great detail now, it took me a few short minutes to get to the office door of the young Detective. What I saw when I stood in the doorway broke my heart. There he was, sitting on the floor, back against the dark furniture, face buried in his hands, elbows on his knees. He had not noticed my arrival and I was wondering if it was appropriate for me to share my presence. But I do not have to wait long. He raised his face and his eyes deeply anchored in mine soon.

-Doctor? He said with no misunderstanding his eyes off me.

-Detective, I say simply, what ... what are you doing here at this hour?

-I ... I had nowhere to go, he whispered, looking down.

Silence took place while I was looking at details. He looked exhausted and dejected, yet, he did not cry, only his eyes kept this immense sadness.

-And you? He asked, looking up at me again. What are you doing here?

-I finished late and I saw a light at your desk. I came to see how you are.

-I am fine.

Yet at that moment, I saw a tear shining in the hollow of his eyes but he did not let her roll down her cheek.

-I have learned for your fiancée, I am sincerely sorry William.

He did not move or did not answer. So I finally entered the room and headed towards him. Without hesitation, I knelt in front of him and plunged again my eyes into his.

-I know the pain of losing a loved one, you should not be alone in this office. You should find yourself with your family, a friend who will support you.

-I do not have any, he said softly, she was everything I had, I only have this office and this work.

I saw him try to retain his sentence, not wanting to cry in front of me, his colleague he barely knew. Then, slowly, without realizing it and without leaving his eyes, I put my hand on his. I smiled shyly. He looked at me with a blank before closing his eyes and let his tears flow silently. I felt his fingers tighten on my own and I approached a little more of him, so close I could feel his breath on my cheek. He made the last few inches that separated us from each other to come to bury his face in my neck, sobbing.

-I loved her so much, he said simply, what will become of me now?

I put my free hand behind his head and let my fingers through his dark hairs before speaking.

-You will learn to live without her. The first time will be very hard, but little by little, you will take interest in life, you will laugh again, you may like another woman. The trouble subsides and also regrets and after a few years you will not remember more than just good times at her side, you will remember how you cherished those moments, but you will be at peace and you will find another reason for living. One day you will be happy again, but she will remain forever in your heart.

William did not answer and continued to cry against me. I put my chin on his head and contented me gently rocked as one does with a child to comfort him. I knew my words were useless to comfort him at that moment, because for me, they were never used. He just needed to share his grief, let it go, know that he was not alone, he still had a reason to live. He had to know he was a person on whom he could rely, who was there, a friend. He was far too important to me that I left him alone at such a time. It was unbearable to see him so sad, but I knew that sadness was part of the process. One that would allow him to rebuild and start living without her.

* * *

_A friend is not the one on which you can rely in difficult times, a friend is someone who I can count on you no matter what._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	17. Lies

17. Lies

_Lies exist not to hurt those we love. Sometimes we learn the truth away from each other, sometimes it brings us closer._

* * *

Liza's death had been three months ago. William had spent weeks were difficult and frequent visits to the morgue, often an investigation, and sometimes, for anything specific. After that night in his office, we had not spoken about what happened, but we talked a bit about Liza. I did not speak about it, he did it himself and until the time he did not anymore. Our conversations were moving on investigations on medical journals, physics, mechanics and history. We even talked sometimes literature, as we did before the death of his fiancée. But still, things had changed. I tried not to be too familiar with him, so that I often thought I was dreaming put my hand on his and kissed his lips.

Liza loss was painful, we were colleagues and although we got along well, we were very different. Well then, I do not want to ruin my chance, I did not want to fall in love with a man as I had been in love with Edward and feeling me wiped out once he left me.

But unfortunately, you can not choose what kind of things and few times my heart is accelerating in my chest when I plunged my gaze in that of the Detective Murdoch during several seconds.

* * *

I was incredibly saddened to learn that he was probably going to leave the station number four. He, who had been the first who trust me and protect me against my detractors would leave, directing another station in the city. I was happy for him, but I could not deny that his absence would be intolerable. Well then, finally, he refused the place, I really did not knew why, but this idea filled me with joy.

-Are you not leaving then?I had started when he came to me after his meeting with his supervisor.

-No, I will stay at the Station Number Four.

-But your promotion? Why refuse to order a post? You deserve it William and ...

-Do want to see me leave? He cut me gently.

-No, I ... I enjoy working with you, I confessed.

-And I might miss the men of Station Number Four if I was not there, he adds with a smile remembering the words I had said a few days earlier.

-Indeed, I say, blushing unable to look him in the eye, everybody would miss you. But I was thinking about your career, it would be a real boon for you.

-There is better like that, Toronto is a Protestant city and I am not, not even today they would agree to see a "papist" as an Inspector.

-Why are you talking about that?

-I am not a fool Doctor, I know why the Inspector has encouraged me to refuse this promotion. All this is a question of politics and I am not up to shoulder this burden.

-Do not say that, I said softly as I approached him, the world is changing. And it will change with men like you. You are a talented Detective and a remarkable man, they will realize it sooner or later.

-This was not the right time, he said simply fleeing my eyes, perhaps in a few years.

-Anyway, you have to know that I am glad you stayed with us and I do not doubt that one day you will become a great Inspector.

He did not answer right away and stared into mine once more before smiling.

-Thank you Julia, you always find the right words.

He gave me a sweet smile and my heart skipped a beat. I did not expect that, at that moment when he called me by my name, for the first time. It is true that I happened to use his first name, without realizing it, during a personal conversation or when I let myself be carried away by my passion to expose him this or that hypothesis. But William never called me Julia, never before that day. And I realized at that moment that I hoped perhaps a little more to him than just a colleague could do it, I may be about to become a friend and this feeling filled me with joy.

* * *

My relationship with William was rewarding in every sense. I found him like a pleasant company and I liked our stimulating discussions. But sometimes I had to admit that his so open and perceptive mind could usually show obtuse and totally baffling. Several investigations done together learned me that William remained shut in education he had, which caused some conflict between us. I could not accept that he condemned situations he did not know. How such a man like him could be so conservative? How could he judge other people on their religious beliefs, sexual orientation or education while he, himself was a staunch believer of something that no one had been able to show? All this was beyond me. And made me angry.

It happened to me more than once to try to tell him about my previous experience, by which I had passed, my discoveries, my life simply. But I think it is not prepared to heard all that I could tell him about my adolescence, my first love, my life in Prague with Louise, my biggest secret.

I liked too much the Detective Murdoch to reveal to him everything, what has made me who I am today because I knew that by revealing him all of this I might lose him. And I could not lost him. I did not know why I felt that to him, it was inexplicable, irrational and so confusing, but I knew in my heart that I could not imagine a day without thinking about him and not wanting to see him and talk to him.

The Detective seemed so often clumsy that I learned to love that part of him, even if we happened to get angry, he always came to understand and to be forgiven. How could I resist him at all?

* * *

Soon, Liza held no place in his life, at least I thought. And I made myself a reason; she will still with him in his life. I felt a certain jealousy. Jealous of a dead woman, how ironic. I would never be able to compete with the woman he had loved so much and he did not seem to see her go. And slowly, day by day, William was more attentive to me. He accepted my appointment, walks by the lake and spend hours at the morgue to talk about this and that after our working hours. Even Isaac brought me he was too attentive to me, which warmed my heart. So after a lengthy investigation, I gave him an appointment at the rowing club that I frequented younger. That day, he surprised me again.

He knew my desire to travel had pushed me in Europe, I would never admit him why I left. And when he heard me give advice to Miss Fayrchild to do the same, he gave me one of his highest compliment.

-You have to be a strong woman, he told me.

So he thought of me as a brave woman, which few had admitted before him, including me.

-Detective, do you like coffee? I have heard that here serves the best coffee in the whole city, imported from Turkey.

He assured me he liked this new trendy drink and so we joined the club to enjoy a cup. I clung to his arm to go there, enjoying the act of walking next to him at the lake, beneath the trees, feeling a little breeze caress my skin. I was at peace, but I refused to watch him so far, for fear of meeting his eyes and feel once again my heart pounding.

We arrived a few short minutes later, we sat down at the table. As the gentleman he was, William introduced me to the chair I sit there before he do the same in front of me.

-Miss Ogden, what can I serve you? Threw an old man arrived at our table.

-Two coffees please, Geoffrey.

-Of course Miss Ogden, he said before walking away.

I then immediately turned to William, smiling. I met his gaze and felt terribly ill at the home.

-Everything is alright William? I asked softly.

-Yes, I ... I just came to realize how much we have diametrically from opposed worlds.

-And do you mind?

-No, not at all. I enjoy your company, you are an excellent pathologist, a grown woman and you always manage to push me into a corner.

We both laugh and he spoke softly.

-I am just not used to all this, that is all.

-Well, be aware that after many years, I am not either, I added with a smile, I feel that this world is not mine and I am often more at peace in my morgue as with the bourgeoisie of Toronto.

-Your position has its advantages.

-I do not deny it, I added, smiling again.

He returned my smile and the server placed the cups in front of us. Once set, we got up and exchanged another look before drinking.

Then I saw the scowl of my friend and his grimace of disgust on his face. Grin that he tried to hide somehow.

I could not help but laugh out loud when he give me an apologetic look.

-Oh William, I said, still laughing, you do not like coffee, it is not?

-No, indeed.

-Do you know that lying is a sin Detective?

-I wanted to ... well ... make you happy, he said, looking at the white tablecloth.

-Well you should know that I really appreciate the gesture, I muttered after some time spent in silence, but you do not have to give you this work. You can be honest with me.

He looked up at me and just shrugged.

-A tea? I was proposing.

-Please.

I laugh again and discreetly called the server.

-Geoffrey, finally Detective Murdoch take tea.

-Alright Miss Ogden, he said immediately before leaving.

I shared glances with my friend before laughing again. His attention had touched me, but I could not banish from my mind the head when he swallowed the coffee. William was an amazing man, and he did not know how much he was.

* * *

_Lies are only a pale copy of the truth. If they do not hurt anyone, they are a gift, but one thing is certain, the truth always eventually burst. For good or bad._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	18. Happiness

18. Happiness

_In life, sometimes things happen by surprise. And sometimes, we feel that it will come to pass, that special moment. Everything starts, slowly, slowly. Perhaps it is this happiness; enjoy these moments "insignificant" until something happens, something that will make all the difference._

* * *

Months passed and my interest in forensics was only increase. My interest to the Detective Murdoch also. Though I tried to hide it, I could manage only on rare occasions. He fascinated me and deceived me without realizing it. He made me laugh, made me angry, pushed me into a corner. In short, I fell madly in love with him. Yet I struggled night and day, agreeing to see other men for pompous diner and spare poor theater. But I enjoyed every time with the Detective, wishing above all share a stimulating conversation in my morgue with him, rather than making me even to another restaurant accompanied by a boring accountant.

I felt some tension when we were together sometimes when his gaze slid over me and plunged into mine. I was afraid of havinf falses ideas, that he does not share my feelings, but slowly, the reactions of William pushed me to believe that I am perhaps important to him. He invited me to a party, for the first time, it was a real date. I had been flattered, happy, confused and panicked. A ball. Of course I could dance, and since my teens, but I was not to make any fault, not that night, not with William. I subscribe to a few quick dance lessons, just to be the best of myself and do him honor.

* * *

But I was surprised to see him that night, standing before me, becoming my "partner". And never before this time I had been so intimidated by a man. We began to dance, I felt this pleasant shiver through my entire body when he slipped his hand into my back.

Oh William made me lose all my ways and he did not even notice it. When he stumbled, too awkward, I had to admit, it caught me. His hand turned the way to my butt, where he left a few moments. I felt faint, if only we were not so surrounded and if William had not been so embarrassed of this accident, I think I will have succumbed to his charm. It took me a few seconds to collect my thoughts so that I could not restrain this pleasure by feeling him touch me. Well then, more embarrassed than we were before, we resumed our dance. I had the belief that he noticed my confusion, but he did not do so, talking about the investigation, one topic that does not put us ill at ease.

* * *

I must admit that this investigation was well hard on me. This time, for the first time I killed a man. A man who tried to kill me, and as William had said, I had no other choice. But I felt like the worst killer that night. Again, William appeared sweet to me and offered to take me to my home.

-Julia, is that everything will be fine? He asked when the coach set off to my home.

-I ...

I could not answer him because I did not know. I had the fright of my life and nothing for the world I wanted to go home alone. I looked up at him, unable to say a word. He smiled tenderly and gently took my hand.

-You are safe now, he will not harm you anymore.

-I know but I am afraid, it is silly, I said, laughing softly.

-No, it is not stupid. You have suffered from considerable trauma and your reaction is quite normal.

I continued to shake from head to foot, in spite of myself.

-I will ask a man from the station to stay in front of your home tonight and ...

-Stay, I said without knowing why, I will be in peace if, if it is you William. Please.

He stared into mine and simply nodded while I tightened my fingers on his. I turned my gaze to the outside, not knowing what I could see as the night was dark. But I could not immerse myself in the eyes of my friend, otherwise I would have thrown myself on his neck for a hug and it was quite inappropriate.

William kept his promise and stayed all night. I had served him tea, given a blanket and pillows and allowed him to read the books he wanted. He could live as if they were home. I put several minutes to fall asleep. I knew that I have been reassured if he took me in his arms, so I fell asleep against him, but those thoughts were far too displaced to reveal him so I finally ended up falling asleep after long minutes of fierce fighting. I could not find William in the morning. He had left early and just left me a note.

_"Dear Julia, _

_Take time to relax fully. _

_If there is anything at all, do not hesitate to call me. _

_We will see you next week and be sure to take good care of you. _

_My best thoughts are with you, _

_William. "_

So I turned in circles all day. And when the night began to fall, panic overwhelmed me. I needed to do something, do not stay here alone. So, without knowing why, I took the way of the building were being held our dance classes. I saw him and I knew I had made the right choice in coming.

-Julia, what are you doing here? He whispered it to me while we was dancing.

-This evening, more than any other night I needed someone to hold me, I said softly.

He came closer to me. Then I laid my cheek against his. This gesture was too familiar, but I did not care, I needed him and he was there. He made me dance and I forgot the tension of past days. William held me against him, his hand was warm on my back, his fingers caressing mine, his breath was traveling in my hair and that was all that mattered.

So we danced during several minutes, not caring couples waltzing around us. When the teacher asked a polka, I just broke from the Detective and I plunged my eyes into his.

-Thank you, I whispered.

He smiled tenderly and I did the same before glancing around.

-I should go home William, I say against heart, I am exhausted.

-Come with me then, he answered immediately.

He surprised me by this reaction, holding my arm to make me walk. And so, once again he took me back to my home, until I had locked the door behind me.

* * *

I could not believe what had happened that night. I knew that alcohol could wreak havoc, it could lead us to splurge, but I knew I was not expected it to change at this point Detective Murdoch. He usually so detached from everything, seemed actually to be a passionate man, romantic and very enterprising. I admit I was the one who made the first move, no longer stand to see him so close every day, so charming that night without daring to kiss him. I took a big risk, I was conscious, but when he kissed me and slowly put his body on mine, his hand slipped into my hair to my face close to his once again, his fingers caressed my back and gently lay it on me at that moment, I realized that I had done what I should have done a long time ago already. I never thought about it, I did it. I needed to feel his lips on mine, his breath on my skin, I needed to slide my fingers on his chest and in his hair. He opened the buttons on my blouse, one by one, putting hot kisses on the top of my chest. I felt faint. I undertook to undress myself, finally succumbing to the desire I stopped since so long. Things intensified and when I felt his desire to be more pressing below my navel, I found all my senses. I had to stop. He was about to commit the biggest mistake of his life. It asked me superhuman strength to ask him, but I knew I was doing what was good. I was afraid that William regret the day after the gap. He was so faithful, advocating the failure to give the person you loved that within a marriage, after receiving the blessing. I already loved him too much to let us succumb to my desire, and to his.

The passion was fighting against reason and I found the first possible excuse to dissuade him from continuing his sweet torture. I know William, I knew ihe would never come to a date like this one with condoms. Although for me it could change anythinf at all, it could stop him . And luckily it did. My argument did fly and he agreed to stay good that night. Sort of. William was a determined man, in all aspects of his personality. And even if the voltage fell gently, if remained soft kisses, his caresses much less run, he continued to kiss me again and again for several minutes.

-William, I sighed breathlessly as I felt his desire grow up again, definitely we have to go home now. We are both working tomorrow. The clock may be difficult.

He shared a look with me and smiled, playing with a lock of my hair.

-Well Dr. Ogden, you are the voice of reason, all the time.

I smiled at him, if only he knew how hard it was for me. He kissed me again and stood up, taking me to his way. At this time, a shiver through me. I had not noticed before how William's body on mine had kept me warm, and there, without him, I was incredibly vulnerable and incomplete. We got dress quickly. We closed our picnic, as best as we could, laughing, drinking too much now. Then he walked me home.

-Goodnight Julia, he says on my doorstep, a twinkle in his eye.

-Goodnight William, thank you for this evening, it was ... wonderful. Not too disappointed to not have seen the green fairy Detective? I said, laughing.

-I seen much more Doctor.

He approached me, slipped his hand in the small of my back to keep me even closer and kissed me.

-Thanks to you, he whispered on my lips before filing another kiss and move away finally, see you tomorrow.

-Tomorrow.

I smiled when he kissed my hand, and then he dropped it softly and went slowy. I looked up into the carriage that was to take him home, and then I closed the door. I had to lay my head against it for a moment. My heart was pounding, my whole body remembered his kisses and caresses. I was happy and I prayed that the next day will be just as bright, that he has no regrets.

* * *

_Happiness does not just happen, it is built. But happiness is not very often ephemeral._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	19. Past

_Despite our willingness to forget the past, sometimes it reminds us of how brutal, painful, wreaking havoc in its way._

* * *

Thus happiness did not last. I should have expected after all. Falling in love with someone too different from me, could only end up by breaking my heart, and despite my best efforts, I was breaking his also. I had to bring myself to tell to William my biggest secret, knowing that he would never forgive my "fault". I sacrificed an innocent life and I did not regret it. How can a straight man like him could understand it? William could not do, ever, I am sure. Thus, there was nothing more to say. Our romance lasted a few weeks, among the most beautiful in all my life. But today it was ended.

After my meeting with him, I went to the only person who knew everything about me, the only one that I could count on outside William.

I stood outside his door, as I had done years earlier, letting my tears slide down my cheeks without restraint.

He opened and met my eyes before taking a step towards me and take me in his arms.

-Julia, he whispered into my hair, what has happened?

-William ... William knows everything and he ...

I could say no more, hit by new tears. So my friend tightened his grip and pulled me inside the house without a word.

He led me into the living room and went back for a few moments with tea. Then he sat down beside me on the couch, putting his hand on mine and between which I torturing a white handkerchief.

-Do you want to talk about it? He asked shyly.

-I love him, Isaac,I said softly, I love him like I have never loved anyone and for anything I want to change who he is, but ...

-He hurt you and for that he does not deserve your love, believe me. This man is not for you, he is arrogant, stubborn and he does not care of the harm it does in his way.

-You are wrong, I whispered, William is a good man.

-Believe me, a good man does not act like that. He wants to make the law despite the consequences, regardless of what he destroyed.

-You do not know him like I know him, I sighed softly, he always does what he thinks is right to do.

-Ah yes, I see that.

We remained silent for a few moments before I finally lift my gaze to my friend and spoke again.

-He dropped charges against you Isaac. He will not let your name be dragged through the mud. You do not have to be worry.

I saw my friend being surprised a moment, then nodded shyly.

-He is not that idiot after all.

I laughed softly before looking him again.

-No, not that much, I added, smiling.

Isaac then slipped his arm around my shoulders and hugged me against him before put a kiss in my hair.

-Everything will be alright. I do not like him, but if you love him as much as you say, all is not lost.

-Talking about love, we have to be two Isaac and I know I could never make him happy.

-Why do you say that?

-He wants a family one day, children, a son, and I ... well, you know very well that I can not offer that.

-Have you told him that you risked not being able to get pregnant again someday?

-No, I did not want to inflict such a pain, well then, it no longer has any importance now.

-Your state might not be definitive, we have no certainty.

-I know it is, I sighed, I feel it.

-Love can does miracle my dear, said my friend tightening his grip, have hope. One day perhaps you will find again your Detective and who knows what might happen.

I did not answer and put my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes. I really wanted to believe with my whole heart that Isaac was right, but I doubt that things could work out between William and me. And I had no idea myself how I was right this time.

* * *

Our relationship froze overnight. We were as colleagues and was very clear that we had never been apart before. We tried to remain cordial and professional, but I had to admit that I was missing him terribly. I only had a single desire: to throw myself into his arms, smell his perfume surrounded me again, my fingers through his hair and taste his lips. I dreamed to be able to shake my body against his and whisper in the hollow of the ear to forgive me. But I kept it to myself and when I realized he was moved on, my heart broke.

He met a woman, Enid Jones and his son Alvin. William seemed happy in this relationship, he became a father and I believed he would do other children to Mrs. Jones, one day, when he would have married her.

I was consumed with jealousy to see them together, so accomplices, love, happy. And when William had an accident during an investigation, I have given anything to take the place of this young woman, to watch over him day and night, just to show him I was there for him.

Day after day I realized that we should not cling desperately to the past, in those moments of happiness that we had sets hoping to relive them again in the future. I had to change my mind again and I began to leave the city. Alas, today my work not allow me. I needed a new adventure, to live again, to eating out, to forget William, simply. Isaac introduced me to a man. Mr. Poundset and I realized it was time to get my life back.

* * *

Reginald was a wonderful man, funny, educated and I loved spending time with him. But above all, he had a hot air balloon, capable of making us travel through the air. He took me with him one day, leaving me to run the ball for several minutes.

-It was wonderful, I said, coming to earth again, when can we do it again?

-When you want Julia, he replied, kissing my hand.

I do not have time to answer, a police officer arrived next to us.

-Doctor Ogden, you are need on a crime scene.

-I am coming, I replied softly, I am sorry I have to leave. Duty calls.

-I will accompany you if you want, I have to go into town.

-With joy, I said, clinging to his arm to reach a carriage already waiting for me.

On the way we did not cease to talk about this trip. I could not hide my excitement and I did not even notice that we had already arrived at my destination. We greeted each other and he went his way when I returned abruptly to reality by crossing the eyes of William, feeling like too often, my heart pounding when this was the case. Really, I could not forget him and forget what I felt for him.

* * *

The investigation is made like any other, although I noticed that something was bothering Detective Murdoch, I tried not to ask him, it was not my right after all. I knew something had happened with Ms. Jones, but I do not insist if William wanted to talk to me, he had only to take his courage to do it, once and for all. He did so at the worst possible moment, as always.

The balloon was ready and was now or never.

-Julia.

-William, what ...

I had no desire to stay on the ground to hear him talking about this woman. I wanted to take the ball, forget him. When we spoke to me, finally.

-Are you ready to see where the wind takes us? I asked.

-It can take us anywhere.

-Yes, anywhere.

And against all odds, it works.

-You did it, I can not help saying when he joined me in the balloon that was already in the air.

He gave me his best smile and as always, he talked about mundane things, like the first hot air balloon flight. Everything seemed back to the way it had always been between us. We talked about physics, mechanics. Well then, I can not help but do what I wanted for so long. I put my gaze deep in his and slipped my hand in his.

-William, I said softly to cut him in one of his explanations, now just shut up and enjoy the scenery, will you?

He chuckled and nodded, tightening his fingers on mine.

-Yes Julia, let's enjoy this moment away from it all, just you and me.

-Just you and me, I repeated as he slipped his hand into my back to approach him gently.

Yet he stood there, motionless, a few millimeters from me, letting his breath mingling with mine and not leaving my eye.

-William, I sighed closing my eyes, kiss me, please, kiss me, I whispered to his lips before feeling him grab mine.

The kiss was gentle and lasted several seconds. His hands left my body to land on each side of my face as I was keeping against me by holding the waist. I relived.

-I missed you so much, I said softly between kisses, forgive me.

-You have nothing to forgive you, it is me who act like a fool. And it is for me to be forgiven Julia. I have no right to judge you.

I put my fingers on his lips a moment, smiling.

-The past is the past, and today we take a fresh start. Together.

He did not answer and nodded before kissing me again with this great sweetness that I loved so for a long time. It was only when the ball hit the treetops, bringing us back to reality, as we parted, laughing softly. We tried to straighten the balloom so as not to crush us to the ground and we enjoyed the rest of the ride, tighten one against the other, watching the landscape scroll beneath our feet, in silence. Isaac must be right, when you love, nothing is impossible.

* * *

_The past appears out of nowhere, without warning. Just know what we want to hear and what we want to forget, to move on, once and for all and keep moving, keep living in the present. Simply._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	20. Doubts

20. Doubts

_Doubts are part of life. We all have them, and we always will. Doubts are proof of this fierce struggle we are facing constantly, that one between the heart and reason._

* * *

All seemed going well for me lately. I had an exciting job, friends, a man I deeply loved to share my passions, and the recognition of my peers and colleagues. In short, everything seemed to be perfect, and yet everything little change so fast sometimes.

I had a date with William on Sunday afternoon. The sun was out, it was hot, I had the soul in peace. I put several minutes to get ready and go to the park. I waited, minutes and even hours. But William never came. I had been confused, upset and worried. It was not in his nature to act that way. Perhaps a murder had taken place and they needed him? But no, that was not the case apparently. I went to him, trying to take from him, fearing that he had been sick. Again I realized that I was wrong, Mrs. Kitchen had not seen him since two days. William was gone, no more, no less, and no one seemed to know where he was.

-It has been two days Doctor, replied the Inspector Brakenreid, he had ...

-We are talking about William, Inspector, had I said to him immediately, he would never miss a date without telling me.

-I have to understand that it goes for another ride with you two?

-Well, I ... I do not be worry for anything, I evaded, trust me, it is something happened to William. I feel it.

So, my feelings were confirmed. William had not been heard of for a week now and I could not help but think of him day and night, remembering the moments we spent together. I shuddered at the memory of his kisses and silently prayed for him that it is nothing happened.

I missed him terribly and there were few moments when I was at peace. When Constable Crabtree warned me of the discovery of a body looking as William near the church where he was going, I thought the world was get down around me. I was scared, so scared that it was him. I think I never could get over it if this man had been Detective Murdoch.

* * *

And when we heard from him a few days later, when I learned that he was in Bristol, England, he was injured but he was alive, I was finally able to relax again. I counted the days of his return and refuge in his office waiting patiently, can not help but let my fingers on the dark furniture. I jumped when I heard the laughter and applause of my colleague on the open space and I walked slowly. My heart leapt in my chest, crossing his eyes. He was there, alive.

-William, I say before running into his arms unable to say anything at all.

I did not care of where we were, I needed to be with him to convince me he was there with me to hold me in his arms. William kissed me and I lost my feet. I forgot everything, where we were, the anguish of the past few days, tired of not had a good night since he disappeared. We parted a bit and I can not help but blush, realizing what we had to do; so passionate and formalize our relationship public. William was congratulated by colleagues and I did not know if it was the result of his actions during this investigation or if it was the fact that now we were in the eyes of all a couple. He remained for several minutes with all these men, and I stood there too, at his side, as he tightened his fingers on my hand to did not seem to let me go. Then after some time, he gave me a look and a smile.

-Then you left me alone without even told me to have fun spin in Europe? I said, smiling.

-Oh Julia, I am sorry, I can explain ...

-Come talk about this in a quieter place Detective, I whispered, and perhaps you will make you forgive.

-My office?

-It seems perfect to me, yes.

He smiled again and we headed for his office, still holding hands. William closed the door behind us and before he had time to say anything at all, I approached him to kiss him passionately again.

-I am going to believe that you wanted to come to this office for the sole purpose to kiss me, he said with a smile on his lips, have you missed me Doctor?

-You were complaining do you?

Then I felt one of his hands slip into my back in order to press my body against his while the other took the way he stroked my face within seconds.

-Not the least in the world, he said simply before kissing me as he had rarely done in the past.

- I have had so frightened William, I said on his lips, stroking his cheek.

-I am here Julia, he said before kissing me again.

Then we parted a little, remembering that William's office was surrounded by windows and the curtains were not drawn. I took his hand and was training to the table in the center of the room, where I sat on a stool.

-Then Detective, tell me about this adventure in Bristol, I want to know everything.

* * *

Months passed and investigations succeeded. I participated in exhibitions, plays, I went to the restaurant with William. Again, I did not complain, and yet my life bored. I could not go on all the dead, constantly. I could not stand to be here most of the time alone in my morgue. My relationship with William was not rosy. He was adorable, as he had always been, but few were those times when he seemed concerned about me. I had no reason to doubt his feelings for me. Yet I felt that he loved his job so much that he could never love anyone else. Slowly, we have moved away. I confess that I was the main cause. I loved him too much to continue to imagine myself one day become his wife and confessed him that he could never have children, who wanted so much. I loved him so much that I preferred to let him get away from me, noticing that he was not insensible to the charms of Madame Pendrick. I loved him enough to imagine with another woman when he was tired of me, a woman who would give him a son to whom he could give his name. I loved William so much that I decided to leave him, gently, without him noticing.

But William was anything but a fool. Despite all my efforts, he noticed my doubts and I felt compelled to speak to him. I had tried to do in the past, but I still lacked the courage or opportunity. However, after having confessed that I intended to leave the country to take a position of Doctor in a children's hospital in Buffalo, I had no had no choice, feeling my heart bleed when words flayed my throat. I could not stop my tears from flowing by seeing how much I was hurting him. But I knew it was for his own good, so that one day he is happy, for he forgets me and build a life filled with joy, laughter and love.

-My abortion, it made me sterile William.

I have liked more than anything else that he takes me in his arms at that moment to tell me he loved me more than anything else, he begged me not to leave. I have wanted William to act, to say something, but apparently everything had been said between us. He left the room without a word. I knew I had lost him forever. Part of me was broken, the other was satisfied. What good to keep him with me if I could not make him happy? I thought about Edward. He too was gone, too had abandoned me, because of "love" he said. I had never understood until that day. There is no better proof of love than letting the person you love choose to be happy, even if you are not part of this happiness.

I did what I had to do, I just had to convince myself.

Thus, after spent my time crying in that room several minutes, I was back home to put my apartment in order before I left the next day. My packages were loaded on the train at dawn. I had gone to the morgue, losing me a few minutes in my memory, reminding me of the first day when I entered, the day it all began. Then I greeted my replacement and went to the station, without bothering to go to the police station. I knew just passing might shake my desire to go away from here. And it was still early, William was not probably there. I took a carriage to the station and rejoined the platform where the train was already waiting. I can not help but look at him again and again, hoping he would show that he would insist that I do not take this train. But William did not come. The machine began to move again and I felt sad and helpless. Why my choices made me suffer so much every time? Why was I convinced to have acted for the best, while I was suffering so much? Why was life so unfair? Why did fate always pushing us towards people whom we do not have permission to love and to who we could offer nothing?

Maybe I was running away. Maybe I needed a fresh start and this included the fact to leave Toronto again. I knew I was not brave, because if that were the case, I have agreed to continue working with William despite what I told him. But I could not bring myself to see him again, to face his eyes and disappointment. William was going to get over it, I knew it. And I never would fall more in love, I swore, never again.

* * *

_Doubts are part of us. This is what allows us to know whether what we are doing is right or not. Doubts are the constant struggle, the heart and reason. The doubts are there to remind us that choosing the reason, we will never be happy._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	21. Darcy

21. Darcy

_Sometimes take control of your life means exploring ways that we never thought of. It is also making concessions, agreeing to challenge and draw a line on some things to move forward._

* * *

I was in Buffalo since a month. I spent most of my time at the hospital because there was so much to do. My position as chief of surgery, was enviable by many doctors, but it was also a heavy workload. Yet I do not regret my choice. I rented a small apartment in the city center, not far from where I worked. My first week, I spent a little exploring around to familiarize myself with these "American", and to try to forget William. But alas, Detective Murdoch never left my mind and I had nothing better than to immerse myself in my work to escape him.

I loved my place. I was living with people, happy children and yet full of life while some were seriously ill. I was looking after them. I was a real Doctor, that I had wanted for so long. So even though some days I do not even coming home as the work was important, I enjoyed those moments sharing smiles with my little patients.

* * *

That night again, I was late in my office, agreeing to take night call, not wanting to go home, find an empty bed and dark thoughts about what I lost in Toronto. I found myself leaning on a report when two knocks were done at my door. I raised my head and saw the silhouette of one of my colleagues, Dr. Garland.

-Doctor Ogden? He said softly.

-Come in, please.

He complied and gave me a sweet smile which I answered in the same way.

-Good evening.

-Good evening Dr. Garland, what can I do for you?

-Well, nothing in particular, I came to see if everything is alright for you.

-Uh yes, I stammered.

-We have not had time to really get to know each other since you arrived.

-Work takes a lot of my time, I confessed, laughing.

-Yes, I understand that you were a devoted Doctor body and soul to his patients.

-I must confess that I know neither the city nor anyone who lives there, so I deal with it as I can.

-Considerate dive into work often hide a desire to forget the most personal issues, tell me what did you escape to coming to Buffalo?

-Uh, well, nothing, Dr. Farwell ...

-I was joking, cut my friend chuckled, tell me, are you on duty that night?

-I am afraid so.

-So, in this case.

He came out a few seconds, leaving me alone and a bit lost, before returning with a basket in which I saw a bottle, bread, plates and small boxes.

-I offer you a dinner with me, we could do a better acquaintance, I am also on duty and I hate to diner alone. What say you?

I smiled and nodded before getting up to make the order on my desk and let him ut on what he brought.

-Wine, Dr. Garland ? Is this really wise?

-Honestly, it is grape juice, I would not be drunk if it happened any urgency tonight.

I laughed sheepishly and he served me before speaking again.

-And you can call me Darcy.

-Very well, Darcy, I sighed, then you can call me Julia.

We smile and clink glasses before drinking a sip and eat quietly. We talk about everything and nothing. Darcy is a native of Buffalo, he knows the city inside out, he grew up in a wealthy family, has decided to become a Doctor very young, was a brilliant student and he rose through the ranks at lightning speed. He is a man passionate about his job, very intelligent, quiet and affecting. He would have satisfied in all respects with the requirements of my father as a husband. He was in many respects to the men that I happened to go for years, but with him, I shared my passion for medicine and he was a very charming man. I knew right then that Darcy Garland would be a friend in this town that I did not liked very much. I was far from imagining how our meeting would change my life.

* * *

It spent four months, four months, after which I had to make the biggest decision of my life.

I noticed how eagerly Darcy courting me and I was flattered. He could make me forget William and let me enjoy the city and the way of life of the United States. In addition, we rejoined several points, especially the issue of children.

-Having children when we love someone is probably a natural thing to me, he said, but when you see how fragile life is, you reconsider this decision. You cling to this little one, you give him a name, pamper, for years and overnight he may be taken away. I do not know if I will be able to live in the fear of losing a child, perhaps it is better to not have to suffer from his death, eventually.

Darcy does not want children and it was in part due to this reason that I agreed to marry him. At least he would never suffer my infertility, I was not even holding to tell him.

He had done his proposal in the garden of the hospital, on the fresh grass, near roses from China. He was very attentive to me, never show or urgent undertaking. Darcy had never kissed me as William did, and this was another reason why I agreed to become his wife. I liked him, truthfully, but I was not madly in love with him. Darcy could never break my heart. Marry me meant finally be rid of my father, I have had a home, a husband who did not want to become a father, a job and a reason to let go of William, once and for all.

But Darcy was nice to be an exceptional man, he was not William and clear was that our lives were connected, if I wanted it or not.

I really thought to have forgotten, no longer love him, no longer consider anything at all with him, fate always pushing me towards him, again and again. I needed him, to see him, to write to him, talk to him. When I had doubts about suspect dead at the hospital, I thought about him, I choose to do call him from Toronto without even talking to Darcy as we were now engaged.

* * *

Life in Buffalo really was not for me, and Darcy knew it. I knew he really loved me the day he decided to leave everything to allow me to return to Toronto and take my place at the morgue. I had been happy, not knowing really what I wanted at last. Because my only reason for wanting to come back and resume my old job was the fact that I missed William terribly. I felt at peace with him, as if I could do any work, the main thing was just that I see him every day. William was everything to me and I had to have a reason; my future marriage had been a desperate attempt to turn the page when I do not wanted to.

But it was too late now. If William had still loved me, he would have fought to keep me with him. He would have begged me to not marry Darcy, he would have asked me to marry him. If William really did not care if I would give him children one day or not, he would have moved heaven and earth so that I do not and he marries me, William did not do it.

-He is still love you Julia, Ruby said me as I watched the ring he seemed to have for me, otherwise why has he kept this ring?

-This letter was written several months ago, he would have had time to make me his proposal. And he did nothing.

But I also wanted to believe as Ruby that William always loved me. And the night before my wedding with Darcy was the longest and most challenging of my life.

I prayed silently in this small room adjacent to the nave of the church, that William arrives, so that finally he told me these words that relied so much to me. But my father came in, rewarding me his best smile, happy to see that his daughter does finally "the right choice". He left the room again, leaving me in an even deeper despair. I walked into the alley by not leaving my fiance gaze. All was lost. I could not turn back. I would become Mrs. Darcy Garland.

* * *

That night, I danced at the arm of my husband in the huge ballroom we rented for the occasion. I felt the hot breath of Darcy above my ear and his hand on my back.

-Julia, is it everything alright? He whispered against me.

-Yes, of course I am fine,I sighed without looking so far, it is my wedding.

-You seem nervous, darling.

-The wedding took a lot of preparation and I confess to being tired.

-There is anything else? Darcy asks me by separating me to look deeply into mine.

-No, I ...

How could I tell him that I thought about William at that moment?

-If you are worried about the wedding night, know that I do not force you into anything. We will take the time you need.

I remained silent for a moment. I was not worry about this detail for now. Darcy did not know I had known a man before, and intimate relationships frightened me not. But at that moment, I was aware that I never would know such moments with William. It was that Darcy would share my bed, and from that night.

-I do not worry about anything Darcy, I whispered dragging a hand through his hair, I love you and I know that you may show tender and loving.

He smiled back and kissed me during a long time. Then I put my head on his shoulder and continued to dance, eyes closed.

The party ended late, yet this did not stop us and we finish the evening at dawn, Darcy and I both consuming for the first time our marriage. He was my husband and I had a duty towards him, so start now.

* * *

_Regain control of your life, it is what we have prepared to sacrifice to hope to have a little piece of happiness. Regain control of your life, does not mean forgetting, however, is knowing how to live with what we have, without asking for more._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	22. Absence

22. Absence

_Absence is a difficult thing when the heart loves without limit. Nothing can heal, because there always comes a time when we think of the person we need. One would like to see his smile, hear his voice and eye contact with him, just to be convinced that what we experienced was real. That person exists somewhere without us._

* * *

He was gone again, and I did not know where. William had just retired from the Station Number Four, without giving any explanation, without saying goodbye. I had been terribly hurt, like I was nobody to him, as if I had never counted. And I realized at that moment what it was like to be abandonned, as I had abandonned him.

I was in the office of the Inspector Brakenreid standing in front of him, determined that he give me an explanation.

-Do not act as if it was he said you anything, I said, he necessarily had to warn you of his departure.

-You are not his wife as I know, he retorted, rising, he has nothing to do with you.

-Why will you not tell me?

-This does not concern you, my dear.

-But ...

-Listen to me Dr. Ogden, this investigation has shaken the Detective and he needed to rest. I gave him a few days off away from Toronto.

-Do not take me for an idiot, I said feeling the anger rise, I know William better than anyone. The last time he left the city he was injured and found amnesiac in Britain. He was in danger and he almost died. So tell me what you hide me dammit!

-Enough, my friend interrupted angrily as he approached me, it is not my duty to report to you and it is not that of Murdoch either. Stick to take care of your bodies and your new husband, Dr. Ogden and forget Detective Murdoch. It is time you finally understand where is your place.

I stood motionless in front of him a few moments, forcing myself not to cry, just to shut me up, not to make things worse.

Then I nodded, feeling my heart sink upon hearing his words.

-I understand, I whispered softly.

I walked towards the door, readying myself to open it before hearing the Inspector sigh behind me, and speak again in a calmer voice.

-He left town to avoid jail, I do not know where he is, but he is not in danger there. The less you know the better it is for everyone.

-Will he come back? I said a trembling voice without looking.

-I do not know, but for now he is officially on leave and will resume his duties as soon as possible. If he should not go back to Toronto, we will see then. Do not be worry he is better where he is now.

I did not answer and opened the door to leave the office when he spoke again in a whisper.

-Murdoch has been his heart broken Doctor, and there is no cure for it in a snap. It takes time.

At this time, I met his eyes and felt a tear escape from my eyes. I did not know what to say and contented myself nodding before leaving the station at full speed without looking back. I then rejoined my morgue, my refuge in a corner of it and let me slide on the ground, crying as I had rarely done in the past. Everything was my fault, and I had to live with that.

* * *

The weeks passed slowly and William's absence was not so painful anymore. I imagined always cross him at a street corner, but I had repeatedly asked his colleagues if they had heard from him. There was evidence that William was gone for good and he did not wish that we find him. I then plunged relentlessly into labor. As I always did when my morale was low. I must admit that Darcy spent most of his time in the hospital and also that we could see only a little.

Nothing was holding me in the morgue now, and I once again I had this mad desire to leave everything, take a train to any destination, to visit the country, see the Yukon that was said beautiful this time of year.

Well then, an idea crossed my mind during a conversation I had with Darcy; Fully open a clinic for women and their children. The idea had already walked in my head for some time and I had to admit that the time was chosen to lead this project. I contacted him and colleagues, foundations, philanthropists and gently, my project became a reality. All I had to find a replacement for the morgue. And it seemed to fall from the sky, or rather she, Dr. Emily Grace. An intelligent young woman, brash, talented and curious. I took my sympathy for this young woman just out of Bishop's University and raised in Toronto. In many ways she reminded me that I was at her age, but even more, she reminded me of Louise. So I took her under my wing, as I would have liked some help at her age and I taught her everything I knew about forensics. I found a new reason to live and go to the morgue in the morning, there was every indication that I had made the right choice after all. Although my relationship with Darcy turned out to be more friendly, even though we shared a night of passion rarely, I contented. I had to admit that the passion had never been at the heart of our relationship. I felt much more desire and pleasure, feeling William kissing my neck a few years ago that whenever Darcy made me love. But after all, I did not ask for more, things had changed and I had changed. Until now, when he returned to town. William.

I had been happy, but terribly out of whack. His glance, his hand clasped me in congratulating me for my wedding, the tone of his voice. I can not bear to see him so close yet so far, every day, feeling the desire born in me every time. I had to leave, I do not see him, not to succumb. I did once again what I thought was right. I said goodbye, again. He was just back and now it was my turn to leave. I was going to take over the clinic, I was going to give up, yet. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and I will never stop loving him no matter what. But I had to act for the good of all except mine. I had not yet been able to resist taking his hands in mine, just one last time, just to feel his presence again, just to convince myself that nothing and no one ever will erode the love I had for him. I left without looking back, imagining for a second that he would catch me, tell me he loved me, he would kiss me passionately and take me in his arms. But all this had been my imagination, because once again William let me go without a word.

* * *

I took to heart my new job and a bit too much on the advice of my husband. I dared to put forward my beliefs, despite the consequences, and there were consequences. I was arrested, as I had been years before. Teach contraception was against the law, I knew it perfectly, but I doubt we would have reported me so. Thus, Constable Crabtree came to arrest me and I thanked him for his sensitivity towards myself and my patients. He took me to the station, in the cell, however, this time, my father did not come to get me out, or Darcy elsewhere who had returned to Buffalo for business. William came to see me on the other hand, trying to make me find the reason, not understanding that they had locked me like a criminal. However, William did not try to change me, he accepted who I was and what my opinions were, even if they are not always approved. I spent some time in this cell, thinking back to what I had accomplished, silently congratulating myself for this feat. Unfortunately Darcy did not share my opinion and for the first time I realized he loved and not Julia. He wanted me to be less independent, less bounded and I finally bears his name, something I had always refused and I refused again. There could not be two Doctors Garland, bear his name, meant giving up my title, my identity, and for me it was out of the question.

Thus, little by little, we moved away slowly, no longer sharing a meal from time to time and our bed, one on each side of it, without any contact. I can not count the nights as I looked at the dark ceiling, imagining myself falling asleep in the arms of a man who whispered to me words of love deep in the ear and whose arms are insurmountable barriers where I will be safe. There was only from William I knew safe and this painful reality fell on my face again.

* * *

I finished late that night, and I was alone in my office. I had to go home, but I did not have the slightest desire. Exhausted, I laid on a couch that was in my office when a noise startled me.

-Irma? Is that you?

But only silence answered. I closed my eyes again a few moments before I felt a presence. I then cross his blue eyes, that look that froze me with terror.

-You, what do ...

I froze on the spot when I saw the gun he was pointing at me.

-Good evening Dr. Ogden, how are you? And how is Detective Murdoch. Did he received my gift?

-I do not know about what you are talking about.

-Doctor, do not play dumb, we both know you are not one, I saw you with that dear William, the love of your life. Tell me what he would do if I kill the woman he loves, for which he lives?

-Gillies, do not do that.

He laughed a mirthless laugh before handing me a doll and speak again.

-We will play a little game Doctor, you will read that there was on this piece of paper.

-Why would I do that?

-Well, if not I believe that William could die tragically in front of your eyes in agony.

-You are a psychopath, I can not help saying.

-Perhaps, and you, you are my prisoner, read, 'he added angrily.

- "Please do not do that, William help me"

-With more conviction Doctor, or he risk to have a bullet in the head soon.

Panic began to overwhelm me. I knew what this man was capable of and I knew he could have killed William if he wanted to. I could not help but shake from head to toe and I feel the tears running down my cheeks.

-No, please do not do that. William, help me.

-Here is very convincing Doctor, you would have made an excellent actress, he said, lowering the doll.

I then saw him approaching me and before I have time to say anything at all, he threw himself on me. I struggled as much as I could, but he put a handkerchief over my face, and the next moment I felt the strong smell of chloroform before falling unconscious.

* * *

I woke up with this horrible headhache with this intimate conviction that I was in a very small space. I opened my eyes and saw nothing around me, than black. Panic won me again and slowly my eyes adjusted to the low light. I could see a wooden plaque above me. I could not move my hands and my feet were facing the boards. Quickly, I let my fingers go on what surrounded me and I froze. It looked like a coffin, I was buried alive by this rot Gillies. I had no way of knowing how long I was there, but I knew that panic would sign my death. So I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself, I had to find something to make me forget where I was and the first image that came to mind was William, his smile, his voice, his kisses,his caresses, all the memories I had with him. My heart sank thinking of him yet, and if Gillies had hurt him? And if he was dead? No, it was impossible, I have felt if that was the case. William and I were related, I was firmly convinced, if something happened to him, I will have knew it.

The minutes passed, the air is rarefied and I began to be taken by a nameless fear. I was dying and I did not want to die. I had to make notice me, where I can be buried, someone would end up hearing me, William was going to find me, I had no doubt.

Then I started drumming again and again, to call, to cry, to beg. But nothing happened and slowly my strength abandoned me. Without realizing it I was sinking into unconsciousness, repeating his name constantly.

-William, William, I managed to whisper barely lip.

I heard shots, like a distant echo and imagination but I was not paying attention, what mattered was the face of William I saw leaning over me, saying my name softly. Light blinded me and I realized it was all over. But strong arm me out of the coffin. I opened my eyes. He was there, William was there. He squeezed me against him and I held on with all my strength to him.

-What took you so much time, I said softly laughing after seeing Inspector Brakenreid and Constable Crabtree a little further.

William did not answer and tightened his arms around me and chuckled as I closed my eyes again. I savored the moment.

I knew I was safe, I was in William's arms, where no one could hurt me. We stood there a few moments before the colleague of my friend takes the floor, causing us to fall back into reality.

-Can you walk Doctor?

I opened my eyes and nodded.

-I think so.

-Alright, then get out of there both, said the Inspector.

William walked away from me just to meet my eyes and I smiled tenderly. However, he did not let me go and stood with me. Then he brushed past me to come stand behind me and help me out of the grave. George took my hand to pull myself before helping William in turn. Once outside I looked where I almost died when William's hand slipped into my back.

-Come Julia, I will take you home.

-And Gillies? Is he ...

-He is in jail, do not worry. Your husband should be back home in an hour or two, all is well. It is all over.

I just nodded and could not help but slip my hand on his arm to hold me against him again.

-Thank you William.

He smiled at me and at the same step, we headed for the carriage that was to take me home. We remained silent the whole way, not even crossing a glance, but my fingers could not loosen the jacket of my friend, as if I had been afraid that this is only a dream and that he vanishes again.

* * *

_The absence can not be cured. Every second away from the person who holds our heart gives us the impression that we do not really live, we are just passing the time, waiting to see her or him again one day, perhaps._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	23. 1900

23.1900

_Acting on a whim is sometimes acting with madness . But unconsciousness, it is also a manifestation of your heart, without any inhibition._

* * *

I took weeks to recover from this terrible moment. I jumped at the slightest sound, I could not stand to be alone and worst of everything, I could not sleep in the dark. As a little girl I needed a candle next to my bed. My nightmares were more violent and awful. I always wake up crying, calling William. I knew my situation was hurting Darcy, because even if he does not show it, he must have heard more than once my cries for help. But I coud not help, I could not control my dreams, and every painful awakening, it was at first Detecive Murdoch I uttered.

So that day, at breakfast, I did not dare look at my husband who was sitting across from me at the long table in our dining room. That night was still painful and I had woken up wet, clutching a pillow against me, against which I was only whisper the name of the man I loved.

-Julia, I think we need to talk about your nightmares, gently said Darcy to me, this can not go on like this.

-I am sorry to wake you up every night Darcy, I said without looking at him shyly.

-I am worry about you, you should see someone. I heard about Dr. Roberts, a psychologist at the asylum.

-Yes, I know him, he has already help us on several investigations, I nodded.

-Go meet this man, perhaps he can help you to get better.

I nodded, crossing his eyes before drinking another sip of tea in the most absolute silence. Then I heard Darcy sigh deeply and I looked up to him.

-It is something else? I asked.

-We should also sleeping alone. I think for the good of both of us, it is a capital thing.

-I understand.

-This will be temporary, Darcy immediately defended himself, until you relied fully and that you do not cry in your sleep.

-I am sorry.

-Do not, we do not control our dreams and those who are there, yet he said bitterly.

I knew perfectly well what, or rather who he was talking and my heart bled again. Nothing in the world I had wanted to hurt him so badly, but he was right about one thing, some things do not control themselves.

So since that day, I went and took asylum regular appointment with Dr. Roberts. Gradually my nightmares disappeared, but not William, he was still there and I did not worried anymore about whisper his name in my sleep, because since that day, Darcy and I have not shared a only night together.

* * *

Christmas was as many other years. Darcy had wanted to return to his family and I accompanied him, making an impression as I had so often with her parents and friends. Then, on our return, my father asked to see us for an evening with friends, and once again I had to play on appearances. I longed to spend a day at a Christmas in a warm house with a husband present and not busy talking about him constantly, with real friends who really cared about the answer to the question "how are you? ". So I spent days and nights trying, mostly lost in thought, wondering what meal Mrs. Brakenreid had prepared to his family and if William had been invited to dine with them again.

Back in Toronto for New Year, I had the great joy of crossing William unexpectedly and I still look forward by providing more help in his investigation. Uncovering a mystery to my friends, as we had done years before, I felt revived, in my element, at my place. Darcy also noticed, in spite of myself.

* * *

I prepared since many minutes to go to the Lamottes to celebrate the New Year. I must admit that I had not the slightest desire to go, but again I had to do my duty as a wife.

I tried to fix this damn ear loop when I saw my husband in the reflection of the mirror.

-I am ready in a minute Darcy.

-Perhaps you do not want to come to the Lamotte.

-No, of course I do.

-We are going to start a new century Julia and I think you should find the one with whom you really want to be with.

I sighed deeply. He was right. I had not the slightest desire to be with him, I wanted to be with William. I stayed so long minutes in front of my mirror, lost in thought, wondering if I was not doing the biggest mistake of my life. But my heart cried out to me to join him on the field, to go join them all, my friends, those who had become my family. Those who counted so much.

* * *

I got up in a jump and joined my wardrobe I opened quickly. I left a red dress Darcy considered too indecent and he had forbid me to wear in public. She was very suggestive indeed, but I needed to wear it tonight, to wear it to William, hoping that he would appreciate the gesture. I changed and done my hairs before taking a carriage to go to the building where the Police ball had places every year. I prayed for him to be there, that he was come, and that he is not accompanied. I climbed the stairs in fear and I walked into the room where I saw so many familiar faces, where the music sounded, where couples waltzing. I relaxed a bit, until I met his gaze. William was there alone at the other end of the room looking at me simply. I then walked toward him, as if nothing else mattered around us. A few inches away, I stopped and spoke. I could not decently say that I came tonight just for him, that I would separate from Darcy and I hoped he still loves me enough to want to take me back. I could not tell William I wanted to know the strength of his arms around me again, I was dying to kiss him again and again to lose my breath. Then I found everything and anything mundane things, I was talking about my work and my new fascination with psychology. Until he cut me off, highlighting some of my words.

-You and Darcy are separated?

-Yes, but I do not expect anything from you ... William I.

-Julia, I have seen the future, and it was you.

I was unable to move, speak, breathe. William slipped his hand on my back and pulled me against him to kiss me passionately. I lost my feet, and then delightfully surprised and conquered. I clung to him with all my strength, deepening the kiss, leaving fight my tongue with his for the sweetest of battles. It had been so long that I no longer had the right to share a kiss with him, and especially that kiss meant everything. I love you, I missed you, forgive me, do not leave me.

William broke up with me just to anchor his eyes on mine. I did not notice that the fireworks had been fired, the crowd gathered around us. For me, there was William, he was all my oxygen, the one that made my heart beat, my fireworks to me and me alone. But I turned my gaze to the lake to take a second to realize that although I was not dreaming before plunging my eyes in his again, I could not help but let my fingers slip into his dark hair.

-Happy New Year, he whispered.

-Happy New Year, I answered before feel hil kiss me again but with delicacy.

I could not be separated from his lips during rare seconds, still kissing him and again, as if we could catch up all the time that we lost all these months. And then we finally calm down. I put my forehead against his and contented me to close my eyes for a few seconds, savoring the moment.

-Julia, is everything alright? William whispers letting his fingers slip into my back.

-I have not been so well since months William, I said, meeting his eyes, since I let you go. Forgive me for having gone to Buffalo and have ruined us.

He put his finger on my lips for a moment.

-The past is the past. We begin a new century tonight Julia.

-And I want to live it with you.

He smiled at me and I let my hand caress his cheek for a moment.

-If it depended on me, he said softly, I will keep you in my arms that way forever.

-I do not ask for anything better that you keep me with you always, Detective, I said, laughing shyly, but not tonight is it not ?

-Not tonight, replied William on a distressed tone.

-Alright then, what do you say to a glass of champagne and a Waltz?

-It seems like a good idea.

We even shared a look and a kiss, then, I clung to the arms of my friend to lead us to the buffet a little further. Rare were the times when we parted look, yet we did not talk much. After a few time to talk to Emily and George, William leaned over and whispered in my ear.

-Would you give me the honor of this dance Dr. Ogden?

-With great pleasure Detective Murdoch.

He smiled widely and grabbed my hand to lead me to the dance floor. Again his hand was placed in the small of my back and the other grabbed mine. A delightful small electric shock my entire body. William approached our bodies and slipped his breath in my hairs.

-You are beautiful tonight, he said simply.

I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder, not meeting his eyes. I had done the good choice to come this evening and wear this dress, which obviously did not leave him indifferent. A new century began and with it my new life.

* * *

_Unconsciousness is sometimes a manifestation of our deepest desires. Desires that we sometimes succumb for._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	24. Restart

Thank you so much for the reviews, I hope you will still love the next chapter :)

* * *

24. Restart

_"Starting from nothing" does not mean anything. You never starts from nothing. Our past, our meetings, our victories and our defeats are never completely erased. We are just "start over."_

* * *

The holiday season had ended. After an evening of New Year, I gave myself the right to see William from time to time, as discreetly as possible. Our meetings were rare and often in public places, not even sharing a kiss only chaste caress. Well then one day we had lunch in a restaurant, I told him about my departure. A week later, I left for Europe, specifically Vienna.

I saw his eyes darken and I could not help to hang tenderly his hand he had placed on the table.

-I go for three or four months and nothing will change between us, I say to comfort him, you will no longer lose me William I promise you.

-I understand it is for your career and that is a great importance to you Julia, but ...

He did not finish his sentence and I felt my heart sink in my chest. I do not not want to lose him again, and I feared that this would happen if I left. He doubted.

-I will miss you terribly, he said simply linking his fingers with mine, every day knowing you away from me will be enough to shake my morale.

-We write every day until I get back, I said smiling.

-I was counting on it, William answered in the same way, and let me congratulate you for this opportunity. I have no doubt that you will make an excellent psychologist.

I sent him my best smile. No one had ever supported me as William did, as he did when we met.

* * *

The day of departure arrived and I stood trembling on the station platform. Port Hope. I left there to go to Buffalo. I closed my eyes for a moment, everything was different this time, at least I hoped. I was going to move to the train when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

-Julia.

I turned and saw William arrive. Without a word, he walked over to me and took my hands in hiss before anchoring his eyes on mine.

-William, what are you doing here?

-I could not bring myself to let you go without saying goodbye. Not this time.

I was touched by this attention and wanted to caress his cheek and kissed his lips. But I met his anxious eyes and he spoke shyly.

-We are in public Julia and you are still married.

This harsh reality fell on my face again. But this time I did not want to pay attention on that. I smiled and looked around us to see a pile of luggage a little further. Without giving him time to answer me, I was training him with me and we hid in plain sight. Immediately, my hands found their way to his neck and I drew his face against mine, kissing him with all the passion that I held for so long. William did not move around, before pressing his body against mine, and pinning me against the wooden wall behind us without breaking our kiss, even increasing a little more. Then, when it was necessary to catch our breath, we parted a little. I always kept my arms around his neck and I could still feel his fingers on my hips.

-Julia is ...

-I was not going to leave without saying goodbye as it should Detective, I say on his lips.

The Chief of Station whistled and I saw William smile before filing another kiss on my lips.

-Take care of yourself, please.

-It is me who ask you this William, is you who risk your life every day.

-Especially if the most gifted doctors is not in town.

I gently blushed at the compliment and he pressed against me to take me in his arms. I savored the moment, closing my eyes as I felt his body against mine.

The whistle sounded again and I spoke again, breaking our embrace.

-I have to go there, see you soon.

-See you soon.

I still put a kiss on his lips and quickly leaving our hiding to avoid the risk of missing my train and continue to kiss for hours. This idea did not displease, far from it, but it was anything but wise well. I boarded the train without looking back and once in my place, I saw him on the platform, sending me a huge smile.

-I will write you when I arrived, I said him.

-I am looking forward.

-Goodbye William.

-Goodbye Julia.

The train set off and I took my place. I sighed with relief. This was the first time in my life I took a train with a light heart. William was going to miss me, I do not doubt for a second, but I knew that my departure had been a "goodbye" and not a "farewell" it was in the past. I was at peace, I was going to start another part of my life and on my return William would be there, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

I had experienced incredible moments in Vienna. In many ways the city reminded me of Prague and I could only remember those wonderful memories to me. Unfortunately, this time I was alone. But I do not complain that much. I spent most of my time from Dr. Freud and I found everything fascinating. I met all of prominent psychologists who brought me their help and their support. I learned a lot from these skilled men. And when I came home in the tiny apartment I was renting, I rushed to the concierge, asking if I had mail. And like every night, she handed me an envelope where I recognized the handwriting of William. I ran as a teenager in my room and sat on my bed to read it immediately. I read each letter at least three times before trying to write my turn, then read his before going to bed late. William had kept his promise to write to me every day I was even surprised to see that just installed I received a small package that contained one for each day I was gone from Toronto with this word:

_"My dear Julia, _

_I can not help but wait until you arrive in Vienna to write you. So you will find in this package all the letters that I could not send you earlier. I hope the travel went well. _

_Best regards,_

_Yours. _

_William. "_

I missed William during those months away from him, but his letters warmed my heart. And finally I was happy to find him on my return, as if we did we were never left. I savored this new intimacy that bound us. And even if we were still impossible to live our love openly, even if we were forbidden to hold our hands, I felt incredibly close to him.

* * *

I started my divorce with Darcy, without told him openly about that William was the reason of. I think Darcy suspected, but he was unable to admit that I loved another man from an "inferior" class to his, and I loved William more than I had ever loved him. I changed housing, finding a small house in a quiet neighborhood. I took office at the hospital for incurable and spent the time I had free to paint, to read, to walk by the lake. I even join a nudist colony. I knew William would never have approved the idea, but I think this way of life suited me well. In harmony with nature, without any idea of the story of each, totally free to feel every breath of wind, and eat healthy food. I was living the life I dreamed of.

* * *

_It often starts to do several things, we start to live, read, eat, laugh, but you never start again to love. You never stop loving._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	25. Queen

25. Queen

_Some thoughts must sometimes remain secret, so that the world has a different view of us. But when it does concern over what the world may think, we learn to live for what we really are._

* * *

Unfortunately, secrets never stay secret for long when a police officer is concerned. A murder investigation has led William to the camp, George also. But strange as it may seem, no male gaze had made me nervous, except that of William. He saw me there, nude, and I almost died of shame. I saw his eyes landed on my body, I saw him try to contain and launch a disapproving look to his superior, but I was unable to move. Well then, William met my gaze again before removing his jacket and approach me.

-Inspector, George, can you ...

-Move Crabtree, threw Brakenreid a step further by fleeing my eye.

I then gave my attention to William who stood almost against me and yet refused to touch me. He wrapped his arms behind me and put the jacket on my shoulders. I felt his fingers touch my skin too. My heart was pounding when I met his eyes full of desire. He took another step towards me and I felt my breast touching his chest. William closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. I knew he struggled with all his might and I have wanted to tell him not to do so, to let him go. But I knew how he was upset by what was happening. So I put my hands on his and closed his jacket. I met his eyes again and smiled shyly.

-Thank you, I said simply.

He nodded briefly and cleared his throat before looking at the floor, then he looked into mine again.

-I will ask to George close that it set here and I am going back to the station to complete the case.

I did not answer and he gently away from me without looking back.

-William? And your jacket?

-You just have to give it to George when you are wearing something... and he will bring it to me.

-Alright, I whispered.

William nodded and walked away, leaving me a little confused and totally taken by this intense feeling of guilt, that of having deceived and betrayed him.

* * *

But that night, when I got home, I was surprised to get a message from William, asking me to join me exactly at nine hours before the Queen's Hotel on urgent business. I only had ten short minutes and I went there quickly. I thought he was lost in contemplation of a window and I made timidly noticed my presence by saying his name. He did not seem upset by my recent attitude and made the most beautiful act of love, the one to sacrifice his career and reputation to help me free myself from Darcy. He had booked a hotel room for two of us, our names as proof that can be given to the divorce papers. I would be for all to see a mistress, and he was going to be my lover.

-At what name is the room sir?

-Murdoch and Ogden, William said with conviction.

I could not help but tighten my fingers on his jacket and he turned to me immediately.

-Thank you, I breathed slowly.

He gave me a shy smile and grabbed the key that the receptionist handed him, then, without a word we got into the room on the third floor. It was perfect for a romantic night; a double bed, ensuite bathroom, a window overlooking the street, a table and two chairs, a large mirror and a dresser. I entered the first William and closed the door behind him, locking it in the process. He walked over to the bed and put his bag there as I watched the decoration of the room. Then I met his gaze in the mirror. He feasted my eyes. Had he really had the idea of spending the night playing dominoes, or seeing me naked this afternoon had given him crazy ideas? I did not knew. William was a puzzle I could not solve. I smiled shyly and turned towards him by speaking.

-And if we started this game of dominoes William?

He chuckled and nodded before heading back to the table with the bag. I sat down and he did the same in front of me. We played during several minutes, talking, laughing, watching us simply. Well then, fatigue stung my eyes. I was exhausted. I felt the hand of William caressing mine and I plunged my eyes into his.

-You are exausted Julia, we should go to bed.

-You say that because I am still trying to beat you?

-Far from me the idea to oust Doctor, he said smiling at me.

I did the same and took the floor.

-You are right, we should go to bed, the day was long.

He nodded and let go of my hand. I got up and headed to the bathroom when I saw him put away the game he had brought. I spent long minutes to undress, do a quick wash and brush my hair. I had not brought anything to sleep, too, I was dressed as a thin white shirt going up to my thighs and my long skirt.

-I am sorry, I had not thought to spend the night away from home, I said, blushing and noticing the look of William land on me.

-No, it is ... perfect.

I smiled and then noticed the disorder that was in the room.

-William?

-I will sleep on the floor Julia, justified himself my friend, perhaps it is better.

-Oh yes, I see.

With a little disappointed I joined the bed and slipped into my blankets. I saw William leave me and join the bathroom where he locked himself within minutes. When he came back, he just wore his pants and white just-body, showing every curve of his muscles that I felt perfect. He smiled and turned off the light before to lie on the ground.

-Goodnight, he said.

-Goodnight.

Minutes passed in absolute silence. I had not the slightest desire to sleep. I leaned out of bed and was surprised to meet his gaze.

-Do you do not sleep? He asks.

-No, I feel guilty that you are on the ground. William Come, join me.

-You know that it would be scandalous if we shared the same bed.

-I have done enough of is outrageous things in my life to tell you that sleeping it is not one.

He chuckled, shaking his head from left to right.

-You are amazing Julia, you know?

-Please William, I insisted by using my charm, I promise to control myself.

-And what if it was me who did not do it?

-Well, in these cases I promise never to tell anyone. But I know you William, I know I can trust you.

-Even after what I saw today?

-Yes, I nodded.

He smiled and stood up before getting up and heading to the bed, I watched him slip under the covers and go lie down next to me.

-Is it not more comfortable?

-Indeed, much more. Julia, I apologize for having, finally, I felt ... I ...

He sighed deeply, closing his eyes. William was unable to find the right words when he had to. But it did not matter to me, I knew what he meant and that was enough. I approached a little more of him, noting that once again the barrier between our two bodies were extremely thin. My breasts caressed his chest, my breath mingled with his, I felt a desire to win me over again. And without realizing it, my hand slipped under his t-shirt. I touched with my fingertips his stomach and his chest noticing that his eyes were still closed and his breathing accelerated dangerously. I felt one of his hands slide over my hip and I shudder with pleasure. Then gently gesture lasted for traveling on my belly and much above. I held my breath as I felt his finger touch the most sensitive part of my breast and I could not repress a sigh of pleasure. The other hand of William pulled me against him and in a second he was above me. I felt him lost his kisses in my neck and his hand on my thigh. I knew what we were doing was wrong, but yet I could not fight. I loved him too much to want to push him for a second. I wanted him to make love to me.

-William, I sighed with pleasure and shortness of breath in his ear.

This at once stopped him and he spoke against my neck.

-I can not do that Julia, I am dying to do, if you knew how much but I ... I can not, I am sorry.

I opened my eyes and cross his eyes. It was full of desire, sadness and regret. I let go my hand on his cheek and I smiled at him.

-I know William, I know, I whispered to his lips before kiss him, let us sleep in this case. But do not leave me alone, please.

He nodded and put his forehead against mine a few moments, time for us to calm down, and then he went away and lay down beside me. Yet I drew against him and kissed his temple.

-Goodnight Julia.

-Goodnight William, I replied, hugging me a little more against him and savoring this moment I was falling asleep in his arms for the first time.

* * *

_The important thing is not what others think of us. The key is to be able to live with yourself._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	26. Trivial

26. Trivial

_We are constantly judged in our lives. By our parents, the people we meet, our friends sometimes by a stronger entity than us, for those who believe in this hypothesis. All our actions are considered, discussed, some approved, others condemned._

* * *

My life with Darcy became more and more difficult. I had to fight every day he gives me a divorce, which he did not do. He refused to let me go. I did not understand his reaction, he did not like me the more I was convinced. He could not continue to cling to this crazy idea that one day I will own him completely so that I would not be at William. William. The man who for the first time in his life proved to me how much he was watching over me and my reputation. He had dared to strike Darcy in the street. William that I knew so nice, so calm and impassive had lost his cool for me to protect me. I had been terribly angry, his reaction was so stupid. But I was also very touched, he would fight for me. Although I may not have ever admitted it, I was falling in a little more in love with him that day. There was of course no way I confess to him that this chivalrous attitude had filled me with pride, no, it was a big mistake, a stupid mistake.

While I again contacted my lawyer, I came home from a particularly hard day, William gave me an appointment. I forgot any grudge against him. But that night, he told me some terrible news. Darcy was dead, murdered. I was devastated by this news. Even though our marriage was on the rocks, I did not wanted this to him, I shared a part of my life with him. The following days were stressful for everyone and everything was just beginning. I was arrested, tried and convicted. Alone in my cell, I could not help but cry unreservedly. I could not banish from my mind the despair of William when the verdict was announced. I was sentenced to death. The world had broke around me. I wanted William to know that I loved him and that all this was not his fault. I wish I could throw myself into his arms to give me all his courage and strength that I no longer had. I have wanted that he whispers deep in the ear that all this was just a nightmare, that everything would be over soon. But alas, the penalty had fallen final. And I left the room without him having said all that I had always wanted. He promised me to get me out and I want to believe, deep within myself, I wanted to.

The days passed and I was dying in this room, in fear, knowing that my time would soon arrive. I helped as best I could my friends who were trying to try to prove my innocence. I must admit I can not thank them enough for everything they did for me. But I found the harsh reality. I would be executed the next day. William was gone and it was impossible to know whether he was alive or not, all was lost. I prayed as I had rarely prayed before. After all, I can be had deserved everything was happening to me, I can be caused too much suffering to others in my life. I was unable to make happy the man I loved, so why go on living? I had resigned. I hoped he would forgive me. I hoped he would not suffer so much my disappearance, I was hoping he would come.

* * *

I was lost in my thoughts for long, interminable minutes when someone approached my cell. The guard doing his rounds without doubt. Then the footsteps stopped and I spread a voice call me shyly.

-Julia?

I turned to the bars and froze on me a few seconds and felt my heart skip a beat. At this time, the tears flowed more on my cheeks.

-Father, I choked before rushing toward him.

I got my hands on the bars and immediately he put his on. He anchored his gaze deep into mine and I saw a tear in his cheek beading.

-Father, I am so sorry I disappointed you so much and I ...

-No Julia, he cut me off by placing a finger on my lips, I will never be disappointed in you. You are my daughter and stay forever although it may happen.

I put my forehead against the bars and cried softly, unable to talk to him.

-Open that door, he ordered the man standing beside him.

-I can not Sir... I...

-Open the door in the second or I dissmiss you and I will ensure that you will never find work across the country, threatened my father angrily.

The young man nodded and complied. Then, once the door opened, my father went into a jump. I threw myself into his arms and continued to cry bitterly against his jacket.

-I am here, he murmured, stroking my hair, shhhttt, I am here my daughter, my little princess, he said over my ear, do not lose hope.

-I will hang tomorrow Father, I say in his neck in a sob, there is no hope.

-Have faith in the Detective Murdoch, he will move heaven and earth to get you out of there.

At the mention of the name of William I issued another sob and was closing my fingers on the mantle of my father.

-William is gone, I am afraid he may be in danger or dead.

-No, no dear, he is not, he loves you too much for give up on you.

I looked up at him and when I cross his eyes he wiped a tear that had traveled down my cheek.

-How you know that William ...

-A father knows what kinds of things. I have never met him but I know him well, especially through my daughter. I was wrong all these years Julia. I was so anxious that you marry a "good" man of your "rank" and which corresponded to you, a man capable of supporting your stubborn nature, he says with a smile which made me chuckle, and even though Darcy was a man quite charming, he was not for you. DetectiveMurdoch however as no relation to the man I thought of as son, but he loves you more than anyone, except me, and that's why I know he will save you. You really love him, do not you ?

-More than anything else, I confessed.

-Then there is still hope, true love can does miracles.

I did not answer and put my head on his shoulder again for a hug. I wanted to believe that my father was right, that William would come and save me. That he would make me leave this place, this city, this country, he would like to love me without limit and he would offer me the life I had always dreamed of. I wanted to believe it all, to be at peace and to face my destiny, be brave, one last time.

* * *

The time had come. They came for me in my cell. I tried to remain upright and courageous. It was time. I walked at a slow pace until the execution chamber. I went and saw the rope swing a little further. I climbed the wooden steps and my courage melted like snow in the sun, my faith in the justice flew like a summer bird. I climbed laboriously taking me to the wooden railing, feeling the air leaving and felt my legs tremble. I sat on the door and they passed me the rope around his neck. I cried silently as it was for me to do. The judge spoke but I do not give him the slightest importance. All I wanted was to talk to William, that he knows my last thoughts are for him, let him know how he made my life a miracle. Lots of memories came back to my mind these days, but at that moment, there was William, he and only him. I closed my eyes in tears, telling myself over and over in my head "I am sorry William, I love you, I love you so much."

The door swung open. He was there. I met his gaze idly, panicked, sad. He came, he saved me. I did not pay any attention to the other men who were in the room, that William told them. Then, the judge ordered that frees me. I was free, free. I quickly cleared away the rope to throw myself into the arms of William, there no one could ever hurt me. He squeezed me against him, as he never had before. I can not help but burst into tears and to keep all my strength I needed him for not collapsing on the floor as emotion overcame me.

-All is done Julia, I am here, I am here.

I could not hepl to let go, it was stronger than me. Get away from William would have killed me for good this time.

-William, I sighed tightening my grip, do not leave me William.

He did not answer and we stayed there a long time, saying the name of each other to reassure us that we were there, living both. Well then, without warning, all my strength gave way. I had hardly separated from him to immerse my gaze in his my legs no longer endured my weight. I saw his worried look, I felt my breath catch and a moment later I had my eyes closed.

-Julia, Julia.

That was all I heard, the voice of William call me desperately. I felt his strong arms around me, his warmth, his scent, but nothing I had fainted, simply.

* * *

_People constantly judge us for our good and our bad actions. They judge us on how we clothe ourselves, our beliefs, our loves, our education. But no one should be able to judge anyone at all, because we all have a different life, a different past, a different story. What builds us and makes us the person we are._

* * *

_to be continued ..._

___Thank you very much for the reviews !_

_When I write this story season 7 wasn't on tv yet, so there is were stop the Julia's point of view about what we saw in the show, let's go for the next chapter that I imagine about the life of the character..._


	27. Love

27. Love

_Love can be manifest in hundreds of different ways. Each person has their own way to understand it, and to express it._

* * *

I gently woke up. I felt my whole body to wake up, my body aches, having slept on a mattress lasts these days, painfully remembered me. My eyelids were incredibly heavy. I tried to move the fingers and noticed that my right hand was trapped. Heat covered it, a warm breath sliding over my skin. I opened my eyes and slowly getting used to me the brightness. William was there, leaning over to me, sat on a chair next to my bed. He held my hand in his own and he had approached his mouth. I saw him smile me before tenderly kiss my skin, then he advanced his face a little closer to mine, and with one hand he tenderly stroked my forehead. I closed my eyes to that contact, feeling his breath on my lips where he kissed. I looked again, plunging my eyes into his. We had not spoken, we never needed it, it had been years already that William and I communicate with our eyes. I watched him a few moments in silence, holding my fingers on his own before looking at everything around me. I was in the hospital wing of the prison. My heart sank in my chest and I took foot in reality. My breath quickened and I was panicked.

-Julia, What happens? William whispered tenderly concerned.

I immediately sat up and threw glances all around me. I had to leave this place, to stop my nightmare. I was going to get up but William stopped me.

- Have to get out of here, I said frantically.

-Calm yourself, everything is alright.

-William you do not understand I must, I must ...

I felt tears running down my cheeks. What was I, now? I was again a little girl terrified, I was not brave and determined. Before William did tell me anything at all, I threw myself into his arms, as I knew there was his embrace that could calm me down. He let his hands go in my back. I closed my eyes and heard his voice in my ear.

-Everything is alright, it is alright. We will leave this place both. Dr. Grace has brought clothes for you. You will change you and leave. You have nothing to fear Julia, I promise you.

-Take me away from here William, I sobbed into his neck.

-Before that you are going to change, right?

I nodded but yet I did not move, even a little tightening my grip.

-Do not leave me again William, I whispered, do not leave me alone again.

-The idea to see you change does not displease me, he said with a laugh which made me smile a little, but I think that would simply outrageous if I did.

I broke away from him to meet his eyes, leaving one of my hands in his neck to stroke his hair with fingertips.

-William, can I ask you something?

-Anything you want.

-Kiss me, I need you.

He smiled and took my lips for a soft and gentle kiss. When breath failed us both, we parted just enough to put our foreheads against each other.

-Better? William asks me.

-Yes.

He took me in his arms again and I closed my eyes. Then after a few moments I spoke.

-I am going to wear others clothes, I said shyly before separating from him.

William nodded and stood up and I did the same, do not let go his hand.

-Will you, I began hesitantly, would you stay behind the door please?

-I wanted to ask you, he said before laying a kiss on my lips, see you soon Julia.

Then he walked away. I watched him leave the room before directing me to the bed where my clothes were. I undressed quickly, unable to bear even one more minute of this uniform doomed. Then, once changed, and having tied my hair, I headed to the door. I opened it and was happy to see William on the other side, giving me a soft smile. He approached me with a jump and he put his hand on my hip.

-Are you ready?

-Yes, let's go.

He held out his arm to which I immediately clung and I left the prison, free at the arm of William, the man of my life.

* * *

We have very little speak from the prison in the city center. I was free of course, but still guilty, guilty of loving William, which caused the death of Darcy. I was the reason Gillies had killed him, how could I live with William without feeling remorse about what I had done to Darcy? How could I hope to be happy with him while another had to die for it? I could not do it.

-What if going to a restaurant to celebrate? William asked me.

Celebrate the death of an innocent man?

-William, I would like to go home,I say sheepishly, take me to my father please.

I saw the incomprehension in his eyes but he just nodded and we took a carriage that brought me to the house of my childhood. Once in front of the big house, I opened the door of the carriage and turned me again to William.

-Thank you for all, I say simply.

-If you need anything at all, do not hesitate to call me Julia.

I smiled and stroked his cheek tenderly, all I wanted was his arms, his love, his kisses, but alas, my heart was bleeding too much to give me that right. I placed a kiss on his lips and went down.

-Goodbye, I said softly.

He replied in the same way and I joined the house, without looking back, feeling incredibly alone and sad.

* * *

It had been a week that I had not left the house of my childhood. I had not news to William. I knew there had to worry about, but I needed to give myself time to myself. At least that's what I thought. Because I had little time was in such deep despair. My father had tried to talk to me, telling me that I should not push this man I loved and who loved me, not after this terrible ordeal, but it was stronger than me. I had only one desire, to throw myself into his arms, never leave him a second, but every time I thought about him, the image of Darcy came back to my mind and I felt guilty again and again.

I was in the garden, at the foot of the tree that I so loved as a child. I took with me a book about wonderful country and ancient cultures when I heard the voice of our hostess.

- Mr. Murdoch, you can not, she said.

I looked up from my book and saw William arrive at a run, followed distantly by Eleanor. I got up when he came next to me, breathless.

-Julia, he snapped suddenly, I have to tell you, it is urgent.

-Miss Ogden, Mr Murdoch ...

-It is alrightEleanor, leave us alone, I was cutting softly.

-But Miss ...

-Please, I said dryly.

-Alrigh Miss, grumbled the old woman before leaving apparently miffed.

I then turned to William and spoke again.

-She will be a foul mood for three days thanks to you, I said softly.

-I do not care.

-It is because you will not have to endure her.

-You neither.

I looked at him, frowning and before I have time to answer anything at all, he took out two train tickets from his jacket and stepped closer to me.

-I have two train tickets Julia, one for me and one for you. We leave in the second if you want.

-William I can not leave like this, I exclaimed to me, and for what destination are the tickets?

-That does not matter the destination. I love you Julia Ogden and I want to give you the life you deserve, come with me, let's start a new life somewhere else, just you and me. Let the past here, let it all our trials and sufferings, all begin again, on the other hand, just you and me.

It spent a few seconds in the most absolute silence. I would never expected that from him. William never acted on a whim.

-And your career? Your post of Detective? Your life here?

-Any of this has the slightest importance, he said while standing against me, my life is you Julia.

I felt my heart leap into my chest and I could not help but smile widely.

-Oh William, I sighed in clinging to his neck, I love you too.

He laughed and tightened his arms around me.

-Do I understand that as a "yes"?

-Yes, I said, meeting his eyes again, yes, yes, yes, and a thousand times yes, let's go.

He smiled again and we shared one of the most tender and the most passionate kisses. I could not stop wanting to taste his lips, stroking his nose with mine, for long minutes.

-You should go and prepare your suitcase Dr Ogden, he said between kisses.

-For that, I need to know where we are going Detective Murdoch, I replied before kissing him again.

-Belleville, said William shortness of breath as he can stop to taste my lips.

-Belleville? Why there? I asked, still in his arms but I walked away a bit to not be tempted.

-It is the farthest destination I could pay, he said laughing, oh of course I could going to the bank I could make more money and go away, but I did not want lose one second away from you. Once there we can always take another train to the other place. You only have to choose.

-No, Belleville is perfect, I sighed to his lips.

He smiled again and we kissed again. I knew it would take me a little time to recover from this terrible ordeal, to forget Darcy, but William was there, as I had been there when he lost Liza years earlier. William was the one and only who can make me happy, that would help me rebuild myself, who could love me despite all my mistakes. He was the one I wanted to live simply because I loved him, I loved him limitless.

* * *

_Love is a universal language. Love does not concern any barrier. Love crosses the mountains, oceans, prejudice, bank accounts, nationalities. Love can not be commanded, he is._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	28. Limits

28. Limits

_We all have our limits. Some say that we must go beyond them to surpass us, others that they exist not to hurt us and hurt others. And we must especially not cross them._

* * *

I put very little time to pack my bags. I took an amazing amount of clothes, shoes, books and a few photographs, and objects that I particularly liked. Our train left the same evening. William had promised me that once installed, I can have other objects, furniture, but for now we do not even know where we would live and the train was not going to wait us. I took what I needed and made tie all on the carriage. I greeted my father, who was happy to see me from the arm of William, to start a new life with the one I loved. My father did not ask me any questions, it had been years than he did over anyway. He knew me, he trusted me, the rest does not matter to him. The carriage took the road to the apartment of William who charged just a suitcase. He said he could live without everything except me.

* * *

Then took the road from the police station Number Four. I wanted to greet my friends, those who supported me during this difficult time. William still gathered a few belongings in his office while I greeted the men on the open space. Then I joined the morgue. I watched Emily a little further, diving into a book, at this place where I found myself so often too. I had a heavy heart. I knew I would never be at home in these places. I kept such good memories, painful too. But the morgue had been my "home", I had been in my place and leave forever my heart ache. I met Emily's eyes and gave her a tender smile. She came over and we exchanged a few words before William join us. Emily congratulated me and we parted. Hanging on the arm of William, I could not help but turn around to take a last look at this room. Yes, I would miss the morgue but I did not want the death, just wanted the life.

In the carriage I noticed grimly William, I was afraid that he regrets his decision to leave, after all he had done it on a whim. It was I who acted without thinking about the consequences of my actions, not him.

I then took his hand and looked at him closely.

-It Is still time to change your mind, I would understand. I know you are at home in Toronto and ...

He cut me off by putting his finger on my lips.

-I am a little sad to leave the city, but Toronto is not my home. My home, it is where you are. And you need to leave Julia, for you rebuild. I will sacrifice all I have to see you happy. We can come back one day, who knows? But in the meantime, I have to go with you.

I smiled and putted a kiss on the lips before I put my head on his shoulder.

-Yes, who knows, I sighed, we can come back one day.

Before we get to the station, I asked William to take a detour. I wanted to go somewhere and for me it was of utmost importance to do so. The cemetery. I imagined myself one second gathering at the grave of Darcy, but his family had repatriate his body to Buffalo. There was nothing left for him here, as I recall. No, I went to visit another person who was dear to me, someone who I thought had a lot lately: my mother.

-Would you like me to wait here? Asked William.

-No, come with me.

I took his hand and I guided through the straight alley of the cemetery to stand in front of a modest tomb but where there was an angel with wings deployed.

"_Elizabeth Anne Ogden _

_1846 - 1878 "_

-Your mother is not buried in the family tomb?

-No, I murmured, looking at the grave, she did not want to rest, she wanted a grave all there were more modest. But Ruby and I insisted that she has a statue of an angel. We thought this way, she always watch over us from heaven.

-And that is what she probably do.

-Perhaps, I said smiling shyly without looking, no one knows if angels exist.

-I am convinced, William whispers in my ear before putting his hand on my back.

-I thought much about her in recent days. I was afraid to disappointed her, disgraced. I have wanted her to be there to tell me I had made the right choices in my life that I was not a monster and ...

I'm not finished my sentence, taken by another sob. Immediately, William pulled me against him and I snuggled in his arms as I did so often now.

-I am sure your mother is proud of you,he said stroking my hair, she would be proud of the woman you have become. A strong woman, courageous, gentle, compassionate, and incredibly smart yet playful.

-I killed Darcy, William, can I not help saying it is my fault. It is because I love you so much that Darcy was killed, do I not deserve to live unhappy the rest of my life?

-No, of course not, Gillies is the only culprit.

He broke me a little to wipe away a tear that had slid down my cheek before speak again.

-I want you to go out this idea of your head, Julia. Our love did not kill your husband, you did not kill your husband. And I will make you forget this idea, I would repeat day and night if necessary. You are not guilty. You have gone through enough misery in your life to finally be happy. And if your mother was still alive I am sure she would tell you the same thing.

-You have not known her.

-No, that is true, but I love you enough to know that when you love, you will do anything to make them happy whom are in our heart. Your mother knew that you are an exceptional woman, as I also know. She wanted your happiness, just as I also want.

I smiled and snuggled me against him again, laying my head on his shoulder without taking my eyes off the grave where my mother lay. Yes, it would take me time, but I was cured, I will be happy too.

* * *

We lived in Belleville since two months. William and I booked a hotel downtown, the time for us to find a home that would suit us both. We did not want to rush to find one, because it had to be perfect. We lived like a married couple for all, even though we were not even engaged. No one here knew who we were, we simply say that we came from Toronto and we were planning to live in a smaller town. Nobody asked us more, and we do not said more.

It was during a walk on a sunny Sunday afternoon than we saw a beautiful Victorian house facing the lake, surrounded by a large wooded park set back from the street. It was not very big, but it was beautiful and uninhabited. We fell in love with it immediately and the next day we went to City Hall to bring us buyers. Everything was quick and in two days we had OUR house. There was some work to do inside, but overall it was still in good condition. I rushed to the carpenter to make it the most essential furniture come. Thus, in just one week, we were home. We took our first dinner in candle light and the end of it, William gave me a great gift.

I was about to clear the table when I felt his arms wrap around my waist and he pressed himself against me behind my back.

-William, you make me lose my concentration, I said, picking up a plate.

But no sooner had I finished my sentence I dropped the plate on the table seeing what he held in his hands. A metal box.

-Open it, he whispered in my ear.

I placed my hand on his and take the gift he offered. I suspected what was in it but I did not dare believe it. I opened the metal box and my breath caught. There she was, this ring I had seen years before.

-William, I say breathlessly.

I felt his body away from mine, but his hands were on my hips. I turned and saw him put one knee on the floor without leaving my eyes. He grabbed my trembling hands and took a deep breath before speaking.

-Julia as long as I live there will be no other woman, we will adopt if you want to become a mother, and if you do not want to it is alright, all I want is you . I want you for the rest of my life. So Julia Ogden, will you marry me?

I felt my heart fill with joy. William have done his proposal for the finest possible way. He told me almost word for word what he had intended to tell me a few years earlier. He gave me this ring that he had kept all this time. He even offered me much more than that, he offered me a life, his life.

-I do, I breathed, yes I want to be your wife.

He smiled and stood up to kiss me passionately. Then, out of breath, he took the ring and ran my finger.

-It is beautiful William.

He did not answer and kissed me again. This time, I lost my feet. Nothing else mattered. His hands traveled over my body, his breath in my neck.

-The bedroom William.

I felt him take me in his arms and without stopping his sweet torture he put me to the floor to put me on our bed. He began to undress me and I did the same with him. We had living together since months, sleeping in the same bed, but we had never crossed this line, stopping our embrace with shy hugs and passionate kisses. But that night, everything was different.

Barely dressed in white dress, I sighed of pleasure his name when I felt him more urgent. And William paused, still lying on top of me.

-William, what is happend?

-I ... we are got engaged but not married, I ...

I realized once again what he meant to me. I sighed and putting the head back. We had to wait, wait again. And I did not want to wait. I met his gaze once again and without warning, I pushed to make switch and find myself straddling him. He looked at me with total incomprehension as I started to drop hot kisses on his bare chest.

-Julia, do you heard what I just said?

-I am not deaf William, I grumbled in his neck, let you go my love.

I felt him put his hand on my cheek to meet my eyes.

-I can not make you love. I can not make you mine ... before the wedding.

-I will give you pleasure William,I said to his lips, as you never had before.

-But I ...

-Trust me, I will be yours for our wedding night. But tonight, let me show you how much I love you.

I saw a little doubt in his eyes and I kissed him passionately. He did not seem to understand how we could have pleasure without taking fully to someone. But I knew. I had never done to Darcy what I did to William that night. Never. But William, everything seemed easy and even enjoyable. When I saw him finally let go of the pressure he completely let himself go fully to my caresses, my kisses and my delicious attentions and his sighs of pleasure sounded like a deliverance, that he pronounced my name with so much desire and he begged me not to stop, I finally realized how I was madly in love with this man. Having pushed him into a corner, having brought him to a state of extreme fullness, I deposited hot kisses in his neck while he finally calmed down, when he spoke in a hoarse voice.

-Oh my God, Julia, we have to quickly get us to agree on a date.

I chuckled against his skin and looked up at him cross his eyes filled.

-I could not wait much longer before know that you are mine, before giving you so much pleasure you have given me.

-Then what if we begin to discuss about the date now Mr. Murdoch, I said to his lips before kissing.

The night was much quieter and we fell asleep in our bed very long minutes later, finding no agreement on the date of our wedding. But one thing was certain it would be soon.

* * *

_We all have our limits, we know what they are and if we are ready to see what there is after them._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	29. Belleville

29. Belleville

_Everything comes in time to those who wait ..._

* * *

Four months. Four toddlers and both endless months later, we said "I do." We chose a small chapel by the lake at the edge of town for the ceremony and the party happened at home in our garden. Everything was much simpler than my previous marriage. Not a huge number of guests, just my father, Ruby and our closest friends. Date of April was the happiest of my life. And in every detail.

I stood in front of William in a blue dress covered with lace and pearls, my hair waving in my neck and my back, just laying there a wide toe blue stones that came from my mother. I saw the beaming face of my future husband, I felt his hands shake as he took mine at the altar, I heard the emotion in his voice when he says "yes, I do."

-Julia Elizabeth Ogden, are you willing to take to husband William Harry Murdoch, here now? To love him, to swear allegiance to him and obey him, in wealth and poverty, health and sickness, until death part do you ?

I did not answer right away, raising an eyebrow at the ceiling. Obey, everything but not obey. William laughed softly and leaned lends a few moments to speak barely louder than a whisper.

-Could you rephrase the sentence Father? By removing the word "obey" please.

I can not help but laugh and throw him a huge smile. William knew me so well. The priest sighed. He had to say that the people of the city were very strange. He answered and repeated the phrase that my fiancé had change. When he had finished, I felt my heart fill with joy.

-Yes, I do.

The ceremony ended and William pulled me against him to kiss me under the applause of our guests. Then I leaned to his ear and whispered deep in it.

-There some things I would be happy to obey you Mr. Murdoch.

-I will try to remember Mrs. Murdoch.

We even shared a glance, a smile and a kiss before leaving the chapel to go home and celebrate this wedding with our friends.

* * *

The party had continued late into the night, leaving us all happy but exhausted. Our guests joined the hotel, except Ruby, Emily and George that we could accommodate in several rooms of the house. While falling from fatigue, there was one thing that William and I still wanted to do that night. We belong to each other, fully. He carried me into our room had dropped me on our bed and had undressed me with all the delicacy and passion that only he could muster. These months and years of frustration and restraint had known stir a passion and a desire immeasurable. I lost all my mind at the touch of his fingers on my skin. His breath sliding over my body enough to make my pulse accelerate at breakneck speed.

-This night, I will show you how I love you my love, William had whisper below my ear before I feel his naked body pressing against mine, for the first time.

The first time I gave me to William was the most magical of my life. The moment I was his and he was mine, remain strong in my mind for the rest of my life.

William ardently loved me that night, as no one loved me before. And we were asleep at dawn, in the arms of each other, happy.

* * *

Shortly after our wedding, my father offered us a trip. William protested. He did not want to live in great style, he did not wanted that my father pay our needs. His pride would not be scratched. But eventually, he agreed, somewhat against heart. And it was very clear that this reaction done a big hit with my father.

-At least I know that about you, you marry Julia because of love, not profit. Always be sure to make her your priority William, otherwise I am afraid I will have two or three words to say.

William took to heart the threat, but did not take offense, meeting him I had always been his priority and he treated me like a queen, to the extent of his resources, I had to admit he always had.

* * *

I was in the hotel room, by the window, a shirt of William on my back, a cup of tea burning in the hands, I looked at the Eiffel Tower dominate the neighborhood. The sun had been up for a long time, it was nearly eleven o'clock, but I had just left the bed after watching several minutes William sleeping next to me. I remembered my trip to Paris many years ago and I was happy to go back with him who was now my husband. I was eager to show him around the city, going to dinner with him at the top of the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre and go walking along the Seine on his arm. But our plans have changed a bit. Arrived since two days, we have very littleleft the room except to get to an opera and restaurant. It would take me to watch more combative with William, because for love, he forgot everything else.

I heard a growl behind me and slowly turned toward him. I saw him back in the bed and throw me a look. I smiled and walked towards him to stay next.

-Did you sleep well, darling?

-What time is it?

-Almost eleven.

-You should have woken me Julia.

-No, you needed rest after last night, I said with a teasing smile in remembering our passionate night.

I placed my cup on the table and crossed filled his eyes filled of desire. I smiled at him and he did the same. He sat up a little to put his hands on my hips.

-Tell me,that is my shirt.

-I think so, how do you find it fit me?

-A delight, but I prefer it that way.

He put his fingers on the buttons and opened them one by one before filing whenever a hot kiss on my skin. Soon, the shirt was open and slid to the floor, and I found myself totally naked in front of him. The hands of my husband traveled on my body and I savored the touch, eyes closed, feeling his tongue taste my skin.

-But you are the insatiable my word, I sighed smiling.

-I catching up time, he said without stopping.

I smiled and slid my fingers through his hair without even opening my eyes.

-William, we really would have to calm down to visit the city.

-Later, he grumbled as he was dropping kisses under my navel and his fingers caressed my thighs.

-We are already in the middle of the day and ... oh William.

I could not think, talk, move. He noted how he had hit a nerve and I felt him laugh against my skin before resuming his exquisite torture.

- Monsieur Murdoch ... you are ... so ... scaaaand... daaa...lous, I sighed with pleasure before letting me go completely.

We planned to visit the city that day, yet again my desire shook under the onslaught of my husband. Well whatever, we will go tomorrow.

* * *

We had returned from our trip to Paris since a month already. This June was particularly sunny and warm. William took the opportunity to do some work on our deck that threatened to break since some time. I must say that since we live in Belleville, neither he nor I have work. In the early days, we just enjoy our new life. I always found something to do and also William. But lately, I felt concerned. His life was missing and police too,as for me, I started to turn around in our house with no children. William strongly encouraged me to apply to the city hospital, which I did.

I had just opened the letter and I quickly read its contents before rush into the garden where I found my husband in full effort, barely dressed in gray pants held up by suspenders and a white marcel . God he was attractive. I watched him a few seconds to walk towards him.

-William, William I had an answer from the hospital.

He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me with an asking look. I handed him the envelope.

-Look.

He complied and read aloud.

-By this letter I inform you with great pleasure that we accept your nomination for Doctor in our St. Anne's Hospital to Women... Oh my God, Julia, you are hire.

He smiled widely with joy and jumped into his arms pulled me to kiss me.

-Congratulations my love, he said on my lips.

-Thank you, I replied with a smile, but I also have good news for you.

-You no longer try to cook leg of lamb?

I tapped her arm affectionately. William never deprived his doubt that my most deplorable talents in cooking.

-No, I have news from the Inspector Goldwin and ...

-We had already talked, William sighed away from me, I do not want to return to the police.

-You are perfect for that, I say.

-But it put you in danger too in the past, I refuse to make the same mistakes again.

-William, I beg you, I whispered stroking his cheek, you have to be a police officer, you need to establish law. Although you are very good with your hands ...

-Ah yes? He cut me with a look and a smile that was not supportive of any DIY job.

-Although you know very well how take care of our home, I said, trying to chase the idea that I had, you can not continue to turn around here all day. You have invaded the delivery of all your inventions and soon we will not have enough room to store everything.

-I am afraid to lose you again, he said grimly.

-Never, do you hear me, you will never lose me William Murdoch, I promise you, I say before a kiss on his lips, agrees to meet Goldwin, please.

-Alright, sighed my husband, I will. But that does not mean that I accept the position of Detective.

I smiled broadly, I knew he would accept it. I left him to enter the house again, when I turned around again and give him a mischievous look.

-William, what would you say to celebrate the news of my new job now?

I saw him raise an eyebrow.

-Have you a clear idea in mind?

-I have some, indeed, would you tried to find out?

-At the middle of the afternoon?

I just shrugged, smiling and he came towards me to move his hands on my hips.

-Oh ... you are so outrageous, Dr. Ogden, he said on my lips before kissing me passionately.

-Murdoch I replied breathless, this is Dr. Murdoch. I want to bear your name in all circumstances.

He smiled proudly and took me in his arms. I clung to him, laughing, not leaving his eyes until he dropped me on our bed, this moment that I knew was going to be magical again.

-Doctor Murdoch, he whispered in my ear while I was his again, it sounds pretty good indeed.

I do not answer and smiled, closing my arms around his neck, sighing with pleasure at the same way as his heavy breathing. I was delighted to see that the decision to take his name at every opportunity, put him in a tizzy.

* * *

_... Or otherwise use ardently._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	30. Travels

30. Travels

_"Travel broadens the mind. "The travel are building our life, our imagination, our faith in ourselves and in others. Travel is essential to find what we were looking for so long, to find ourself simply._

* * *

The life I lived in Belleville overwhelmed me. Since two years I lived happiness without limit with my husband, Detective William Murdoch, now a police Inspector in the only station of the city. The work is not lacking, although Belleville was much quieter than Toronto. William was often returned for dinner and we spent a lot of time together, go out to the theater or restaurant to spend an elongated front of our fireplace evening or to explore the area some sunny weekends.

I worked at one of the hospitals in the city and I liked it, everything was just perfect, even if I argued sometimes with my husband, as in any relationship. We always manage to explain and we do not stay angry for a long time finally. We loved each other too much for that.

William and I were planning to visit the country. He often spoke to me of the beautiful landscapes he saw on the way in the Yukon a few years earlier. He stimulated my desire to travel and escape. And one night when we were in our couch, I played tenderly with his fingers as he was dropping kisses in my undone hair, he asked me to leave and go find out what Canada has to offer.

-We would take the boat to Kingston, we could take the river to Quebec, to Montreal ...

-And then we would take a larger boat to Halifax, bypassing New Brunswick.

-We could come back by Boston.

-And perhaps New York? I said, smiling, looking up at him.

-New York please me well, William nodded, then what do you say?

-That I wish to leave from the second my love, I say to his lips before kissing him, I will go to the end of the world with you.

-And if we start by getting to our room?

-It is a good start, I said laughing.

* * *

We took the boat a month later, strictly following the route that we had set that night. We did stop in Montreal when I made a surprising encounter. William had gone to get me a shawl in our cabin while I was still at the restaurant, sipping my tea while waiting. I looked at the city, taking advantage of this moment of tranquility to immerse myself in my thoughts when a voice startled me.

-Have you need company?

I turned to the young woman who had spoken to me and spoke.

-No, thank you I am waiting for my ...

I froze on the spot. I knew that face, that smile, that mischievous look. I got up with a jump.

-Louise! I exclaimed. My God, what are you doing here?

She did not answer and threw herself into my arms for a tender embrace.

-Julia, I missed you so much.

-Oh me too, if you knew, I say in her hair tightening my grip, I thought I would never see you again.

-Me I knew we would meet again someday.

-You are finally coming to Canada? I said, parting a bit of her.

-Yes, you had talk about it me so much.

-Oh look at you, you look beautiful, you have not changed.

-A little, I am chastened, you on the other hand you have changed, you are radiant and more beautiful than before. Which is the reason for this transformation?

I gently blushed and before I have time to say anything at all, William arrived next to us, apparently a little lost. I took his arm and pulled him to me before speaking again.

-Louise, let me introduce you to William Murdoch, my husband. William, here is Louise Blondeau.

-Nice to meet you, says William taking her hand before put a kiss on her palm, I have heard so much about you Miss Blondeau.

-Actually, it is Louise Tallant today, said my friend.

-Are you married?

-I have said to you say I am chastened, also here is my husband. Leopold? She said, motioning to a man approaching.

He walked towards us, a big man with an imposing yet elegant stature, hair as clear as the sun and as the ocean blue eyes. A very handsome man.

-Julia, here Leopold, my husband. Leopold, you know Julia from her reputation I believe, and she is accompanied by her husband, William.

-Nice to meet you, I heard a lot about you Doctor.

The two men shook hands and I noticed two little blonde heads hiding behind the legs of my friend, the little girl had to have five and the boy about three.

-And this are the loves of my life; Julia and Leonard.

I froze on the spot a seconds when I heard the names of her children and seeing the pendant that was around the neck of the little girl. She was the spitting was Louise and she wore the locket I had given her the day I left.

-You named your daughter Julia? I stammered.

-Indeed, in honor of a young woman I ever knew on a train in Germany, a young woman who changed my life.

-Oh Louise, I say before throwing me in her arms again.

Then, after we hug, we parted and I threw a glance at William before taking the floor.

-At which port you get?

-We are going to Halifax.

-Oh that is wonderful, so we have plenty of time to discuss.

-And we have things to tell us, told me Louise, taking my arm, and if we started now. Leopold are you caring for children a few moments?

I followed her and when I saw that our husbands were a little further, apparently a little lost, but starting a conversation, she leaned toward me and whispered in the hollow of the ear.

-Your husband is quite charming, congratulations.

-Thank you, yours is not bad I must admit.

-You have no idea, Leopold ... is wonderful, she sighed with satisfaction, and I will spare you the details of our lovemaking.

-Yes, please, I said with a laugh.

-I am sure that your William is also a good lover.

-He knows what he is doing, I said blushing.

Louise laughed aloud and spoke again.

-Then Julia, tell me all I want to know everything. What have you done since you left Prague? I did not found you in Toronto.

-I no longer live there, we live in Belleville. And I bear the name of my husband, I am the Doctor Julia Murdoch today.

-Then you are Doctor!

-Yes, a young woman that I have met on a train in Germany has convinced me that it was my way, and she was right.

* * *

I enjoyed the boat trip. We spent a lot of time with Louise and her family. I began to sympathize with her husband and I fell in love with her children literally, as William elsewhere. A feeling of joy and sorrow mingled huge when I saw him with them. William was meant to be a father and I have wanted him to become one, more than anything. I wantedto give him this gift. I think he noticed more than once my guilt to can not give him children, because when my mind clouded, he did not hesitate to take me in his arms and kisses drop in my hair.

-I love you Julia, he said softly to reassure me.

-I would like to give you a son.

-If God wants us to have children we will have, if this is not the case, I am still happy with you and you know it.

I never answered, I wanted to convince myself that he was right but I doubted it.

Until one day our life changed abruptly.

* * *

The young woman had arrived at work at the hospital and I was the doctor on duty. The baby was ahead by a month and childbirth was upside. Pregnant at seventeen years, Meredith Karlston, had no future to offer to her child and begged me for minutes to take care of her baby.

-Promise me that you will take care of him Doctor, you will give him the life he deserves. I am dying and I want him to have a mother like you.

-No, Meredith you will survive and raise this child. You will give birth, love, see him grow.

-Promise me he will not go to an orphanage, I know what they are doing to the children there, what they did to me. Please.

Meredith Karlston gave birth to her little boy that night, and she died of childbirth, leaving a fragile child who needed constant care. Many predicted that there would only a few days to live, but I refused. I watched over him day and night during weeks, until he was safe and it took him to leave the hospital.

-William, I ... I have to tell you something important, I said that night at dinner.

-I am listening to you.

-It is about the little boy in the hospital, he ...

-Please do not tell me he died.

-No, in fact, he is much better but he can not stay at the hospital, they want to put him in an orphanage tomorrow.

I looked at him, I held my tears and William remarked. He rose jumped and took my hand before kneeling in front of me.

-Do you love this child?

-I think so, I sighed and sobbed, I do not want him to go out there William. He is still fragile and he needs to be taken care of him. No one can take care of him like I do, I know him better than anyone and he also knows me. I want to keep him.

-Then do it, let us do it together. Did you have any chance to apply for custody?

-We are married, we have a good situation and what support him and orphanages are overcrowded I ... I think so, they will give us his custody.

-Then do not hesitate a single second.

-But William, this is not our son, YOUR son.

-What importance can this be? Yet you are his mother, the only one he has ever knew. And I do not doubt for a second that you are the mother he needs. You are gentle, loving and so protective of those you love. You will be a perfect mother.

-Do you think so? I say hesitantly.

-I am convinced, William replied with a smile, adopt this child. But on the other hand it will do something before.

-What?

-Give him a first name, have you ever thought about it?

-Yes, I confessed with a smile, and you?

-Me too.

-Really? I surprised myself.

-I thought adopt this child since days already, Julia. I was just waiting for the moment you would realize how much you care about him, when you want to tell me. I did not want to interfere in your decision.

I sighed long and caressed his cheek.

-William Murdoch, if it was possible for me to fall even more in love with you, I will do at this point. But I already love you so much.

-I love you more.

He leaned toward me and kissed me a long time. I was going to have a family with him, this man who was everything to me. We were going to adopt a little boy, a little boy he already considered his own son. I was going to make William happy, everything I would always dreamed of. I was finally going to build something, leave a mark of my visit. I had done and I would still do great things in my life and one of them was named Andrew Murdoch, my son. Our son.

* * *

_Travel is part of life, because life is a journey._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	31. Conflicts

31. Conflicts

_It is said that small streams become one day the great rivers. A small detail, a trivial decision, an innocuous phrase can often change a life, or even several._

* * *

-Julia, BLOODY HELL WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN?

The dispute had exploded a few minutes early and we were arrived at its top. It had all started with a letter from my father, a few weeks earlier. He had offered his company shares to William. And William, refused to sign the document in order to enjoy it. I did not understand his reaction. His male pride and father had been shaken.

-Your father believe that I am not able to provide for my wife and my son, he told me.

-This is nothing to do with that, he wants Andrew lacks nothing. He thinks about his future, his studies. Believe me knowing this is a big step forward. He is a proud grandfather and ...

-Does Andrew already missed anything at all? And you Julia? Do not I just offered everything? Do not we not have a home? Of food on the table every night? A nanny for our son and are we not doing travels?

-William I am not complaining but ...

-But yes, you grew up in luxury, in a huge house full of people, whereas I have always been a man like the others, on the verge of being a vagabond. Why did you marry me? You should have found a man of your class, to continue living in this perfect world.

Then it was that? William saw me as a little aristocrat? There he know me enough to know that this world I had ever loved? That I had married him just because I loved him more than anything? I totally did not care about his parentage and social class?

I felt my throat tie and tears born in my eyes. But most of all, I was angry against him, terribly angry.

-I do not accept money from your father, William said more calmly, and if you can not stand to live here in this "poverty" when returned to his home.

-WILLIAM HARRY MURDOCH! I cried. If you are foolish enough to believe that I will return to my father is that you know me very badly. And I think in fact, in this case we have nothing to do together.

-You will have to think about this, the day you told me that you would follow me to the end of the world, you have had to think a little more to the fact that I never would offer you the luxury that you knew. You have spent your life running the influence of your father and now overnight you change your mind and you are ready to accept it? Why?

-William You are ... you are just ... IDIOT! A brilliant Inspector? Oh please, you do not see what is under your own nose.

-And what is under my nose is Julia? What is so obvious and apparently I am too stupid to see it?

I do not have time to reply that I heard a timid voice calling me to the door of our living-room.

-Mom?

I saw Andrew in the doorway in his pajamas, clutching his teddy bear in his arms, his eyes red. I watched him for a moment and felt my heart sink in my chest before heading towards him without giving any importance to William. I knelt in front of my son and put my hands on his waist.

-Why you and Dad yell? Timidly asked my little boy.

-This is nothing my sweetheart, I said softly, stroking his blond hair, we are sorry to wake you. Come, I will put you to bed and I promise that we will do less noise now.

Andrew nodded and I took him in my arms, giving him a comforting hug. I closed my eyes for a moment before throwing a glance at William, who remained silent for a few meters away, and then, without a word I climbed upstairs to put our son in bed.

* * *

Sitting on the bed, I put the blanket over him and crossed his eyes as blue as the ocean. Since forever I imagined having a son who would be the spitting image of William. A little man with dark hair and dark eyes. But Andrew was quite the opposite, he had the hair as the sun and a fair and piercing eyes. While not being his biological mother, everyone agreed that he looked like me. But in four years, Andrew also learned a lot from his father.

I smiled tenderly placing a lock of hair behind his ear.

-Mom, he said timidly, do not love you daddy?

-Oh my sweetheart why do you ask me that?

-You argue all the time now.

-There I happen to be very angry against your dad sometimes, and he is angry against me, but I love him very hard. As strong as you and I love you, you know I love you very hard, is it not?

-Yes, and you dad, you still love mommy?

At that time, I noticed William in the doorway, watching us in silence. He walked over to the bed and gave me a tender look. There was nothing but regrets and love in his eyes and I had remorse at that moment to yelled against him earlier. He put his hand on my shoulder and patted it tenderly before pay attention to Andrew.

-I love your mom Andrew, I love her so much that I will do everything to make her happy, but sometimes adults get angry and shout. At this point, they say mean things, they regret.

Andrew did not answer and I leaned toward him to kiss his forehead.

-Go back to sleep, I whispered, stroking his cheek, and do not worry we will stay together all three and your dad and I we still love each other for many years.

-For Forever? Andrew said smiling.

-For Always, said William before me also smiling.

Andrew closed his arms on his bear and closed his eyes, and then I got up and left the room with William, giving a last look at our son before turning off the light and close the door behind me.

Once in the hallway, I met my husband's eyes.

-We have to finish this conversation Julia, he said in a serious tone, I am waiting you in the living-room.

He turned and went downstairs. I sighed deeply. It was time.

* * *

I joined William few seconds later. He held in his hands the document from my father and he was about to rip it when I walked up to him and put my hands on his. I met his gaze.

-Do not do that, I whispered, I beg you.

-Why did you want so much that I accept this agreement?

-You might need it.

-Why?

-If ... if I should die ..., Andrew could not get money from my father while if you keep shares in his company, I know that you will never run out of anything and I could be at peace.

-Do you hear what you say? William looked at me, frowning. You talk to me to die?

-William, I am hiding something, indeed.

He did not speak, keeping his eyes plunged into mine. I saw the fear win and I could not help but feel the tears running down my cheeks. He did not hesitate for a second to wipe them, dropping the paper on the ground without paying him any attention.

-Julia? He said simply in a trembling voice.

-I am pregnant, I said in a whisper.

William stood there, impassive, motionless, for long and interminable seconds, as it was many years ago.

-Tell me something William, I beg you, I added closing my eyes.

When I opened them, I saw a huge smile on his lips.

-I love you, he said simply before drawing me to him for a languorous kiss.

I savored the embrace, but the tears continued to flow. William did not know what was involved. We parted just enough to cross our eyes. He rested his forehead against mine and his hands on my belly.

-William, I said choked, you know my past, you know what happened to me, you know that child risk and you know what I risk. Andrew's mother died giving him birth and yet she was young and healthy, I ...

He cut me off by putting his finger on my lips.

-Shhhtt, let me enjoy this news.

-William, you do not understand, I might ...

-Let me be happy, said my husband, let me be happy tonight. We will be worry tomorrow, but tonight, let me enjoy the happiness and let me share it with you.

I smiled and nodded shyly. William placed another kiss on my lips before giving his full attention on my stomach again, leaving his fingers.

-How long are you pregnant? He said without looking at me.

-I think three months, I replied, putting my hands on his, I was so taken by the work, Andrew and I never got realized until last week.

-Three months, William repeated, smiling, then this little angel must be another gift from my birthday.

-I rather think it is the result of one of your birthday gifts, I said laughing softly.

He looked up at me and gave me a huge smile.

-The most beautiful of all in this case, he added, before kissing me.

We stayed in the room for several minutes, pressed against each other, forgetting all proven earlier in the evening. William did not sign the document that my father had sent, not that night. That night, there was nothing that mattered around us, there was only his arms around me, his breath on my neck, his kisses on my face and my stomach and the hollow words of comforts in my ear.

We lay for several minutes, entwined, when I heard the voice of William get lost in my hair. First I thought he was talking to me, but soon I realized he was not talking to me, he prayed, he prayed for God to protect our children, our family, us, me.

* * *

_We have only rarely aware that words can change a life. So sometimes you just have to say that you have in your heart, because sometimes great things happen after that. If you have enough courage to face them._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	32. Children

32. Children

_When we are children, we have dreams, we imagine the life we will later, when we will be adult. When you grow up, some dreams fade, others remain there, everywhere. Life teaches us to turn away, life offers other dreams. The most important is to know what we want to achieve one day, and which one to forgets completely._

* * *

I was happy at Belleville in the house where I had celebrated birthdays, Christmas, where I celebrated my wedding. I cried, laughed, got scared, screamed, loved, shudder, dreamed. I did not regret for one second my decision to leave Toronto to live a new life. I did not forget all the hardships that I had lived all these years because they had made me who I was today, but I learned to believe in happiness and enjoy every second.

The months went by, we were a September morning when we took the train, William, Andrew and I to Alberta. My husband had always wanted to take his son there, to live there as explorers within a week or two in a tent in the middle of the desert. I remembered this terrible case of a paleontologist found dead in the jaws of a dinosaur from this arid region of Canada. I remember perfectly that night, this ball, where for the first time William had invited me, the night where I knew I loved him. He was disturbed by the case, who had dreamed child do this job. I had reassured him that one day he would go to Alberta, that would be exactly as he had dreamed. That day arrived. He begged me not to leave, to not make the trip. But I wanted to fulfill his dream, I wanted to go all three, because I knew that in a few months perhaps I am no longer of this world, and William knew also. My husband had transmitted his passion to his son, and so, Andrew and I had come to convince him to do this trip.

-It is far too dangerous for you and the baby, had whispered William.

-I want to do it for you and Andrew. Let me do it for you.

Thus, William yielded.

* * *

We settled down our makeshift camp, or rather William and Andrew did. I used to just give them my advice and direct, having been instructed to William not to move more than necessary. Well then, when we had finished, I undertook to place the furniture in the tent.

-Mommy, can we go for a walk up the hill?

-Yes, of course, but you are not going alone, join your father out I will be right there.

Andrew nodded and left the tent. I took my hat and put it on my head, then I sighed deeply, stroking my stomach.

-Shhht ,calm down little angel, calm down.

When the blows stopped, I headed to the exit and could only hear the voice of William on the other side of the canvas.

-Do not go away, we wainting your mother, he had said.

I sighed deeply, smiling again before dismissing the canvas and join William, who immediately offered me his arm to which I clung.

-Are you sure you can walk?

-Yes, that is fine, I need to take a few steps, our little angel was stirred well today.

I met the anxious gaze of William and I spoke again.

-It is normal, do not worry, after all I am still in the sixth month of pregnancy.

-That is.

-Let me enjoy this day with my family, I whispered seeing Andrew play a little further, on our return to Belleville I try to be wiser and I will never leave the house until ...

I am not finished my sentence. Until I was probably dying? The day when I could have a miscarriage? The day I might give birth to a stillborn baby?

-Until the arrival of our miracle, William replied, kissing my hand, noticing my confusion.

I nodded and smiled a little more huddled against him to continue to walk slowly. Yes, this child was a miracle. He was full of life and somehow I liked most of all feel his punches in my belly and suffer almost every day, because I knew that thus, he was still alive and healthy and for me it was all that mattered.

* * *

I was lying against William in this little camp bed, eyes never leaving our little boy sleeping peacefully on the other side of the sheet that we handed in the middle of the tent. We had three beds, but I could not stand to sleep alone, I needed William's arms around me, his body pressed against mine. So it was obvious that our situation was uncomfortable, but I slept a thousand times better than alone.

-Do you think that I have to tell him? I said softly as I felt a hand on my husband stroking my hair and the other lay on my stomach.

-Andrew is a very smart little boy, William whispered in my back, but he is still a little boy, a boy who loves his mother of a boundless love.

-I could break his heart and I could not bear to see him cry.

-I could neither, my husband confessed.

-But you both will have to be brave, whatever happens. Promise me. Promise me that you will hunt your grief and ...

I started crying and I felt William's arms closing around me even more.

-Calm down my love, everything will be fine.

-I fear William, not to die, but to make you sad that you are prohibited to love again one day.

-I will only love you, whatever happens.

We remained silent for a few seconds before I feel William move a little in my back. He put a hand to my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes.

-I want to believe in our happiness.

-Our happiness is so perfect since we are together, since we took over this new start, do not you think it hiding something? A misfortune awaits us on a corner?

-We have suffered too much in the past Julia, and you more than me. You have the right to happiness and I want to believe you still get for decades. I am confident.

-So you are not afraid?

-I am terrified of losing you or losing one of our children. But I have faith and it suggests to me that now we will be happy, all four.

I smiled shyly. William had always had much faith in destiny that I never have. But I knew it was all he had not to crack. I did not want to undermine any of his beliefs. After all, he had always believed that we were made for each other, we would have children, and he was right.

I smiled and stroked his cheek tenderly before kissing and then he lay down again and slid his hand on my belly bounced. I put my hand on his and closed my eyes enjoying the gentle caress. It was enough to appease me. I felt the baby kick and I smile. I felt William do the same in my neck before he takes the floor.

-What name can we give you little angel? He whispered. Do you think it is a girl or a boy?

-Which do you prefer?

-I do not care and you know it Julia.

-It is a girl, I say with conviction, I feel it.

-A cute little princess, William added, eyes at the color of the ocean and golden hair, like her mother. I think it would please me.

-Do not you want another son? It could be your spitting image. Andrew would be happy to have a little brother.

-Matthew. It could be called Matthew, what do you say?

-It is very beautiful, I sighed, and for a girl?

-I have read a name in a book recently, but I think if it is a girl, you can be expected to bear the name of your mother.

-No, I say soon, I hope not. I do not want to cling to the past and those who died. I do not will wish that my daughter is named after my mother. What was the name that you read?

-Eileen, William whispered in my ear.

I felt my heart leap into my chest and our child knocked over violently. I turned to William to see his reaction just as surprised as mine.

-Well William, I think this child really like this name.

He smiled and looked at my stomach tenderly.

-Then little angel, do you like that much this name? We will call you this way now, hoping that you are indeed a little girl, he said laughing.

I did the same and forget all the tension and fear thatI had since I found out I was pregnant. Sometimes it is happened. I managed to forget my fear to focus on the happiness of William, his smile, his eyes, his voice, his gestures. I looked him a long time in silence before I approach somehow his lips and kiss him gently for several minutes. My state, our position, Andrew a few meters from us, do not allow us to get carried away by our love, yet the hands of William traveled on my body for gentle and chaste caress during hours while our kisses were witnesses of our unconditional love for each other. I savored that night under the stars of Alberta, forgetting all my fears and pain.

* * *

_We all have dreams. But live your dreams requires sacrifice, sometimes you have to know what you are willing to lose to get there. And if it is worth it._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	33. Christmas

33. Christmas

_The Christmas season is often a magical time. Whether one believes in miracles or not, this time of year reminds us of what are the essential things, those close to our heart._

* * *

This December was the coldest for many years. I spent most of my time in the bedroom. William regularly called me that day and I was staying with Enice the nurse of Andrew. He was delighted to have his mother at home since three months. Unfortunately it is been a while now that I never left my bed I spent my time reading with my son, playing with him on my bed and sleep. I slept a lot. I was constantly exhausted, too weak to stand up alone and I had to constantly call the young woman and William to help me to go to amenities. I was thrilled to have tanned William a few years earlier to settle in a bathroom adjacent to the bedroom, if not my pain would have been even greater. I prayed every day that everything ends, because I felt the life leave my body as the days passed. When I no longer felt the child move, I was taken by total panic, I was terrified that he is no longer alive. Thus, the time of my pregnancy Enice lived with us, I was never be alone.

Preparations for Christmas and New Year were rife and Andrew was happy to make the tree and all the decorations, but I had hardly the heart of it all.

* * *

Well then, it was the night of December 21, 1907 that she decided to come. To my relief, William had been there, in bed, when I woke up, made by a sharp pain.

-William, call the midwife immediately. And awakens Enice.

He left the room at a run, dressing the way. I could not restrain my cries of pain. I saw Andrew on the doorstep. I wanted to tell him everything would be alright, that tonight he was going to become a big brother, that he should not be afraid, that I loved him. But the pain was too great. I tried to smile, but the tears rolled down my cheeks. I do not want him to see it, he sees his mother suffer like I did, I did not want him to have that memory of me. Fortunately, Enice arrived at that time and took tenderly by the shoulders.

-Come with me Mr. Murdoch, you can not stay there, she said tenderly.

-Mommy was very bad, I heard him say before leaving.

I sent a shy nod to thanks Enice. She knew what was going on, she knew that Andrew had seen was going to be probably the last image he had of his mother. I rolled my eyes, holding my breath, I was angry, I was scared. When I saw the blood soak the white sheets of my bed, I started to cry harder. The pain intensified, the contractions began. I sat on the bed, holding my stomach with one hand. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on something, on William.

He arrived a few short minutes later with the midwife. He ran to me. I saw the fear win, but yet he took my hands in his and tried to reassure me.

-It will be alright darling, everything will be alrigth.

I shook my head from side to side, crying.

-No, no, William everything is not going well. There is too much blood, the pain is too great and I ...

I was taken by another contraction and the midwife told me to push. I had to hurry me to have a chance to save the baby and I was exhausted.

-William, William, I sighed, crossing his eyes, pray for this child, please. Pray for us my love.

I cried once again feeling the pain be incredibly strong. My ordeal lasted long, interminable minutes before I let myself fall on the pillow. I heard the cry of my child. I met the eyes filled with tears of William.

-I love you, he stammered, do not leave me.

-I love you, I said, feeling faint slowly, take care of our children William.

-You will do it with me my love, we will do together.

I did not answer and closed my eyes until I felt his lips on mine. Then the midwife came towards me. In a final effort, I opened my eyes to see the baby wrapped in cloths and she placed him on my chest.

-It is a girl, she says simply.

-A girl, I repeated, Eileen, I said looking at her, Eileen and Andrew, Eileen and Andrew, I repeated like a prayer, thank you William, William.

I heard my name, as he crying. I do not want him to be unhappy. I did not wanted to cause so much suffering. I wish I could take him in my arms to comfort him, to kiss him. I wanted to see him smile, hear laughter, feel his kisses and caresses. I wanted to see Andrew and Eileen play by the lake, under the sun in the month of August. I wanted to stay with them forever.

* * *

Christmas had arrived. The snow had filled the streets. The fire warmed throughout the small room. I heard the laughter of children open presents. The barking of a dog.

-Andrew stops bothering your sister, says the voice of William.

I went downstairs and headed to the living room with a slow, feeling my heart pounding. I pushed the white door and froze me on the doorstep.

-William, this gem is beautiful, oh thank you my love.

I saw myself in the arms of my husband, sharing a tender kiss. I saw myself laughing at silly Andrew aged seven. I saw the smile of a little girl with dark hair and dark eyes as she left a porcelain doll of a carton. I was happy standing with the man I loved, next to this tree that touched the ceiling. All I had always dreamed of having stood there before my eyes.

And slowly, this vision of happiness faded. A strong white light blinded me. I heard the voice of William.

-Julia, I beg you awake my love, come among us. I love you and I will be lost without you.

My eyelids were heavy and my body aching.

-Julia.

-Will..iam, can I just whisper exhausted.

I opened my eyes. There he was, once again, looked at my face, stroking my forehead with one hand. I can not help but bring my hand to his cheek and caress him, leaving him a huge smile on his face.

-William, I have seen the future ... and it was you.

He laughed and kissed me in the second. My arms wrapped around his neck. I lay in his arms for a while and I heard another shy voice. I finally paid attention to anything other than the man who held me against him. Andrew approached. I motioned for him to join me and took him somehow in my arms. I placed a kiss on his cheek and turned me toward my husband again when my son climbed on the bed

-William, the baby, she ...

He smiled and turned away a few seconds. I saw a cradle next to the bed, a cradle on which he leaned out to a small body barely moved. I sat with difficulty, still feeling the pain in my stomach. Then William tenderly handed me the child I immediately took against me. William stood there, close to me. I met the dark eyes of my daughter and my heart ached with joy in my chest.

-Here is Eileen, murmured William, our little miracle.

-William, she has your eyes.

-Our son looks like his mother and our daughter ...

-She is your spitting image. She will break hearts, I breathed slowly.

-As his beautiful mother, said William by putting a lock of my hair behind my ear before kissing me softly.

I smiled widely as I felt tears of joy running down my cheeks. Andrew sat down close to me to watch the peaceful and serene face of the little girl who was against my chest.

-She is so small, said Andrew.

-You were small like that too, I replied with a laugh, you are a big brother now Andrew. It makes you happy?

-Yes, happily answered my little boy, I will pay close attention to her mommy, I promise.

-I do not doubt for one second, I replied, kissing his hair.

William sat on the bed next to me and looked at me, smiling broadly. Then he spoke.

-Merry Christmas Mrs. Murdoch, he said shyly.

-We are on Christmas morning? I asked, stunned.

-It seems that another miracle happened, my husband whispered, your wake up.

-No, it is not a miracle, it is love William, love, I added before kissing him and give my full attention to the little girl, I love you so much you three that I could not leave you.

I had this family that I so desired. I was happy. Happiness was finally within reach. Finally.

* * *

_Christmas magic touch those willing to receive it._

* * *

_to be continued ..._


	34. Birthday

34. Birthday

_Birthdays should not be counted, only celebrated._

* * *

I was in my bedroom since many minutes already. I tried to discipline my long hair into a bun. But the fort was that after all these years, wisps are always escaped. I sighed deeply and began to leave that way. After all, William had to keep reminding myself that he loved this flyaways let slip through his fingers and it perfectly characterized my rebellious nature.

I smiled for a moment thinking about my husband and put my earrings when two small strokes were given at the door.

-Darling, are you ready?

-Almost, you can come in, I replied.

I saw William rush into the room and closed the door behind him. I granted him a tender smile to which he immediately replied and he approached me. I even looked in the mirror for a moment, placing a lock of my hair became white since years, when he leaned over me and kissed the top of my head.

-Eileen is here with Frank and children, he said, straightening up.

-I am coming, I replied, patting my cheeks to give them color.

-I do not believe that after all these years I am still amazed by your beauty, William sighed, looking at me in the mirror.

I smiled and left my chair to come and spend my arms around my husband and let my fingers dance in his neck. William was also the white hair than mine, but it was just as attractive as he had been when we were younger. I saw his hair become gray, I saw him grow a mustache, I saw him have some crows feet and a few wrinkles, but William was still for me the most beautiful man he was on this earth.

I plunged my look in his dark eyes and I smiled.

-And I do not believe that after all these years, you still make me blush, I said shyly looking at the floor.

He chuckled and pulled me against him to kiss my temple before taking me in his arms.

-I love you William, I whispered, closing my eyes.

-I love you too, my love, William replied tightening his grip.

Then we parted again and I headed to the hairdresser to take a pendant.

-Can you help me put it please?

-Of course.

My back was turned to William and felt his fingers touch my skin in my neck before he kissed it. I smiled and put my fingers on the front pendant to turn and take another look at my husband.

-Do you remember when you gave me this pendant?

I saw him frown and make me a shy nod that he did not know.

-Christmas 1910 Eileen received a porcelain doll and Andrew an electric train that you had made yourself and you were quick you go up to his bed room and ...

-And Belle had devoured two cars, William continued laughing, this dog was a real disaster.

I laughed with him and nodded.

-Yes, but we like this disaster.

William did not answer and tenderly stroked my cheek, then he gently pulled out a small box from his pocket. I watched in amazement and he spoke again.

-Open it.

At this time, the memory of his proposal decades earlier came to my mind. As at this time I placed my hand on his and took the package to open it in the arms of my husband. There was inside the box a gold bracelet, crimped red and white stones.

-William, it is beautiful, I breathed.

-It will go perfectly with your pendant.

I sent him a huge smile and kissed him before he helps me put the strap around my wrist and he kissed it.

-Happy Birthday Mrs. Murdoch.

-Thank you, Mr. Murdoch.

We smile and even shared a kiss before I heard a voice behind the door.

-Grandfather, grandmother, uncle Andrew is there with Aunt Jeanne.

-We are coming William, answered my husband.

-But mom said I should not come to disturb you, so if she asks if I came, do not tell her, please.

I laugh with William and he spoke again.

-We will not tell her, now go if you do not want her to notice your disappearance.

-Okay, said our grandson cheerfully before we hear his footsteps away in the hallway.

William and I even exchanged a look and a laugh.

-Our grandson is very much like his grandfather, I said softly, stroking the neck of my husband.

-I had told them that the name David gave them probably less problems, said William laughing.

-Well, I think William, it is perfect.

We shared a kiss before parting. Then I headed to our bed to take my shawl. My eyes fell on a black book. This book did not leave me for years, since my teens. This book kept all my trials, my joys, my doubts and fears. In this book there was a very special story. A story I shared with my husband and one day may be my children or grandchildren will learn. This book concealed the story of my life, our life.

* * *

_My name is Julia and I will tell you a story. _

_I was named after my great-grandmother. This woman lived in a different era, a time when a woman's life was not the one we know today, a dark yet happy both times. _

_One day we ordered our family home on the lake in Belleville in order to sell it, I found a little black book, lost in a trunk in the attic. This book changed my life, forever. I could not help but stop reading during hours. I got to know this woman who died shortly before I was born. Since my grandmother always told me I looked like her and I never wanted to believe it, until I read the words she had put on paper. I was left with nothing from this strong woman, courageous, loving and gentle, except this diary and a pendant which, I was told, she liked very much. _

_I decided not to sell the house in which she lived with her husband all these years until her death, the house filled with happy memories, love and laughter. _

_I decided to honor her in my own way. _

_It was two years ago I wrote the life of my great-grandmother in a book. And today I find myself in Toronto on this set, surrounded by an incredible number of people. The blonde woman is facing the camera is a talented young Australian actress and I must admit that she looks great. I did not hesitate for a second to select her, the one that would play Dr. Julia Ogden, my great-grandmother and probably one of the most wonderful woman that the world has known. _

_-Are you ready Julia? Whispers the young man sitting next to me. _

_I nodded and took a deep breath. _

_-Ok, here we go guys. It's rolling ... and ... action. _

_My name is Julia. I am a writer and now I'll tell you a story. A life story. _

**_End_**

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**I hope you enjoyed this fiction to the end. And that it surprised you (any resemblance to events or persons is purely intended ;)) Thank you very much for all your reviews. This fiction was important to me. I really wanted to share what I felt about the character of Julia Ogden and I hope I have been able to. I must admit to being a little sad to finish but now, all good things come to an end! I hope that my tranlastion is not so terrible, once again sorry for the mistakes !**

**Julia R.**


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